FADE IN:

EXT. PARK - SAN DIEGO

ELIAS WALKER is regaling his sons DAVID and LOGAN with some WAR STORIES.

ELIAS WALKER

Once upon a time there was a group of badass soldiers who took on a much larger opposing force and emerged victoriously. They did so using nigh-supernatural stealth, which earned them the nickname Ghosts. And don't worry about Ghost Recon. Now that Tom Clancy's dead, we can finally call our guys Ghosts too.

LOGAN WALKER

I'm sure that's not how copyright works.

DAVID WALKER

Stealth, eh? Does that mean we're finally straying from the arcade run-and-gun gameplay of every other Call of Duty game?

ELIAS WALKER

Well let me ask you something, David. Were the Black Ops games about carefully planned and executed black operations? No, they were not.

DAVID WALKER

Dad, please call me Hesh.

ELIAS WALKER

David, I've told you a million times. That's a ridiculous fucking nickname and I'll die before I call you that. Now let's get back to the house past that one tree trunk we'll have to jump over and that other one we'll have to crouch under.

Meanwhile, IN MOTHERFUCKING SPACE...

EXT. ODIN STATION - MOTHERFUCKING SPACE

SPECIALISTS BAKER and KYRA MOSLEY are ASTRONAUTS tending to the ORBITAL DEFENSE INITIATIVE, which is a KINETIC BOMBARDMENT SYSTEM.

SPECIALIST BAKER

So the United States have put a weapon of mass destruction in space? Clever bastards, no one will think to look there!

KYRA MOSLEY

Yes, it's meant as a deterrent against the Federation, which has united all of South America under one banner and is slowly advancing north into the US.

SPECIALIST BAKER

That's the geopolitical premise? A downright bigoted inflation of the North American paranoia surrounding illegal immigration?

KYRA MOSLEY

Yup, those pesky Mexicans aren't just packing themselves in vans anymore, now they have tanks. Kinda makes you wish the story would just stick to Russians, eh?

SPECIALIST BAKER

Worse, it makes me want to go back to World War 2. Anyways, what's our mission here? Last time one of these games introduced an astronaut, all he could do was sit around and die helplessly.

KYRA MOSLEY

I'm not sure, but I'm betting it won't be combat. I mean, guns in space? Not even Call of Duty would try something that ridiculous.

The STATION is suddenly OVERRUN by FEDERATION SOLDIERS. WITH GUNS. IN SPACE.

SPECIALIST BAKER

Clearly you've underestimated Call of Duty. Or overestimated.

KYRA MOSLEY

Oh no, they're using ODIN to target American cities! We have to scuttle the station!

SPECIALIST BAKER

I know these games desperately want to be movies, but come on. Moonraker?

After several KINETIC RODS have been LAUNCHED, BAKER and MOSLEY manage to DESTROY ODIN. MOSLEY is STRUCK by a piece of DEBRIS.

SPECIALIST BAKER

We finally get a woman in a proper action-oriented role and she dies within the first few minutes. Figures.

KYRA MOSLEY

The game must've run out of mammary memory.

(dies)

BAKER then BURNS UP as he FALLS INTO THE ATMOSPHERE.

SPECIALIST BAKER

Does Infinity Ward hate NASA or something?

(dies, horribly)

EXT. PARK - SAN DIEGO

As ELIAS and his SONS walk back to their HOUSE, the ODIN RODS start raining down on SAN DIEGO, causing UTTER CINEMATIC DESTRUCTION.

ELIAS WALKER

Shit, ODIN's been turned against us by the Federation! That's the most xenophobic explanation I can think of so it must be accurate!

They ESCAPE the CHAOS by using ANIMATIONS FROM THE ENDING OF MODERN WARFARE 2.

EXT. LOS ANGELES - TEN YEARS LATER

The SOUTHWESTERN UNITED STATES has been reduced to a NO MAN'S LAND. DAVID and LOGAN are sitting in AN ABANDONED THEATRE and playing CATCH with their DOG, RILEY.

LOGAN WALKER

So this is the dog everyone's going crazy over. Pretty sure all that excitement only serves to show that the fanbase will embrace anything that's perceived as a change to the formula.

DAVID WALKER

Did you know that he's named after Simon Riley?

LOGAN WALKER

Who the fuck is Simon Riley?

DAVID WALKER

He's the original Ghost, the guy with the skull balaclava from Modern Warfare 2. His real name was revealed in a series of tie-in comic books.

LOGAN WALKER

Seriously? These games already have threadbare story universes to begin with. How do they still warrant that kind of expanded media?

RILEY

much profitable

such popular

wow

oh fuck it this meme sucks

They head out into THE RUINS OF LOS ANGELES, which have THE SAME SHADE OF BROWN AS FALLOUT 3. You can only do SO MUCH with POST-APOCALYPTIC ENVIRONMENTS.

DAVID WALKER

My God, Los Angeles is a desolate ruin! Let's take a moment and contemplate the horrors of what this senseless war has wrought.

LOGAN WALKER

What's the point of being all melancholy about this landscape when it was also used as a playground for a bunch of frat guys and Megan Fox in the live-action trailer? Kind of a mixed message there.

DAVID WALKER

I'll keep that in mind for when Eminem starts rapping over the end credits.

They come across FEDERATION SOLDIERS EXECUTING INNOCENT CIVILIANS.

DAVID WALKER

Oh no, killing millions of people with ODIN clearly wasn't enough for the Federation! Now they're coming here to finish the job one at a time!

LOGAN WALKER

Is their blatantly evil behaviour supposed to portray us as the victims of unprovoked aggression in all this? Because I think we lost that right when we put a fucking death satellite in space.

DAVID WALKER

Come on, let's go defend the thousand mile wall we built to keep them out.

LOGAN WALKER

How exactly did we manage to build a wall that massive in the middle of a war?

After DEFENDING the WALL, DAVID and LOGAN get in a HUMVEE and drive to FORT SANTA MONICA. RILEY sticks his HEAD out of the TURRET MOUNT because LOOK AT THE DOG! LOOK AT IT!

INT. FORT SANTA MONICA - LOS ANGELES

DAVID and LOGAN meet up with ELIAS, who is in charge of THE RESISTANCE.

ELIAS WALKER

Good job on staying alive and not causing me indescribable grief, boys.

LOGAN WALKER

You're our commanding officer? Doesn't it seem kind of lazy to take the army-as-family dynamic this literally?

ELIAS WALKER

You might say I'm a real father to my men. Eh? Eh?

DAVID WALKER

In a war, your brother is the guy in the foxhole with you. Eh? Eh?

LOGAN WALKER

Hmm, calling the typical Call of Duty player a "bro" doesn't have quite the same derogatory punch to it now.

DAVID WALKER

So what's our mission, dad?

ELIAS WALKER

Go to your room!

(beat)

I'm actually sending you boys to San Diego, where our house was. Just a little family humour there.

EXT. NO MAN'S LAND

DAVID and LOGAN are making their way through NO MAN'S LAND to find out WHAT THE FEDERATION IS PLANNING.

DAVID WALKER

Stay back, there's a bunch of Federation soldiers ahead. We can't take on that kind of opposition, even though we effortlessly do that all the time. Logan, take control of Riley.

LOGAN WALKER

Take control? He's a dog. What, do I just sneak in there with him on a leash?

DAVID WALKER

No, he listens to the delicate sensory equipment in his vest that takes instructions from your tablet, which should be enough technobabble to cover for the fact that you're basically remote-controlling a robot with fur.

LOGAN pulls out HIS TABLET and sends RILEY out amongst THE FEDERATION SOLDIERS.

DAVID WALKER

Okay, now make Riley jump on that soldier and tear out his throat.

LOGAN WALKER

Won't that attract a lot of attention?

DAVID WALKER

Get him to do it quietly then!

LOGAN WALKER

Oh right, how silly of me to assume he could only do that loudly.

RILEY violently separates SOME SOLDIERS FROM THEIR LARYNXES. His CAMERA FEED then shows A CAPTIVE GHOST.

DAVID WALKER

Looks like they've captured a Ghost. Alright, we've got what we need.

LOGAN WALKER

Even though it didn't make the least bit of practical sense, controlling Riley actually felt novel and refreshing. When can I do it again?

DAVID WALKER

Never. That was it. Fuck you.

EXT. GREENWAY PARK STADIUM - SAN DIEGO

After a quick reenactment of THE GREY, DAVID and LOGAN meet up with TWO GHOSTS, KEEGAN RUSS and THOMAS MERRICK.

KEEGAN RUSS

Our fellow Ghost Ajax has been taken to that stadium over there. We have to rescue him. He's the only black guy and otherwise it'd just be a bunch of beefcake white dudes.

THOMAS MERRICK

You two have a lot to learn before you can join the Ghosts. We are masters of stealth, using surgical and precise guerrilla tactics to complete our missions without the enemy knowing we were ever there.

LOGAN WALKER

Awesome, just like dad said! So how are we going to get Ajax out of that stadium?

THOMAS MERRICK

We start by tagging that approaching convoy of trucks with remote-detonated explosives.

LOGAN WALKER

Oh, to cover our escape or provide a distraction in the unlikely event we get spotted?

THOMAS MERRICK

No, we're going to detonate them while we ram this truck here straight through the front gate and blindly shoot at everyone who didn't blow up.

LOGAN WALKER

That -- seems to be the exact opposite of what you say Ghosts do.

THOMAS MERRICK

ENOUGH TALK! EXPLOSIONS!

They EXPLODE their way into THE STADIUM and find AJAX DEAD.

THOMAS MERRICK

Fuck! There goes the little ethnic diversity we had.

DAVID WALKER

Hey, look at this convenient corkboard. Apparently a guy named Gabriel Rorke is hunting and killing Ghosts. Who's Rorke?

THOMAS MERRICK

No time to explain! Even though I could probably summarise it in five words tops.

ELIAS WALKER

(over radio)

Everyone get back here! The Federation is bearing down on our position with hovercrafts! Who knew they'd come at our waterfront headquarters with an amphibious assault?

DAVID WALKER

Let's go! We must defend our father and our land! Oh, I see what they did there.

EXT. FORT SANTA MONICA - LOS ANGELES

DAVID and LOGAN return to FORT SANTA MONICA, which is A VERITABLE WAR ZONE FULL OF LOUD NOISES.

DAVID WALKER

Logan, take control of that turret overlooking the beach and shoot at the landing Federation troops!

LOGAN WALKER

Whoa, this scene has some really unfortunate implications. In a way we did go back to World War 2 after all.

DAVID WALKER

Don't contemplate anything, just keep firing!

When he goes to rescue ELIAS, LOGAN is almost STABBED by a FEDERATION SOLDIER, but gets RESCUED by a couple of GHOSTS. Their LEADER reveals himself to be ELIAS.

DAVID WALKER

dad you're a ghost all this time you were one of them

ELIAS WALKER

I gather from your deadpan and lifeless delivery that this obvious twist didn't come as a surprise and you had figured it out a long time ago. Good job, son.

DAVID WALKER

No, my voice actor is Brandon Routh and he just sucks at any kind of emoting. And you think I'd have recognised your voice before you dramatically took your mask off.

ELIAS WALKER

Oh. Well at least Logan here took almost being stabbed to death like a man. Good job, son.

LOGAN WALKER

No, we just conveniently forgot about that.

ELIAS WALKER

Oh.

(beat)

Whatever, welcome to the Ghosts! I've been testing you all this time.

LOGAN WALKER

Wait, is that why you used to throw lit fireworks into our bedrooms in the middle of the night?

DAVID WALKER

And all those times you left us in dark forests and told us to find our way home? And the reward was always not having died.

ELIAS WALKER

And I know your therapist said all those tests drove your mother to an early grave, but who's laughing now? Anyways, let me tell you about Rorke. He was the leader of the Ghosts when we were sent to Caracas to take out General Almagro, commander of the Federation's army. Almagro was threatening the whole of South America.

LOGAN WALKER

Figures that the root of all evil in South America is Venezuela. I mean, all of this is basically Hugo Chávez's wet dream.

ELIAS WALKER

I know, right? This shit's making Homefront seem plausible. Anyways, I remember it like it was twelve years ago.

EXT. CARACAS - TWELVE YEARS AGO

ELIAS, RORKE and A BUNCH OF OTHER GHOSTS WHO ALSO HAVE NAMES are on their way to KILL GENERAL ALMAGRO.

GABRIEL RORKE

Elias! Take out that missile launcher before it fires! Hurry!

ELIAS runs up to the LAUNCHER, but is TOO LATE to stop it from FIRING. It BLOWS UP THE NEARBY DAM, which FLOODS THE ENTIRE CITY.

ELIAS WALKER

Fuck, let me return to the last checkpoint and hold down the sprint button this time.

GABRIEL RORKE

Don't bother. There's no way a set piece this expensive is just a game over scenario. This is obviously what's meant to happen.

They navigate the CHAOS and manage to BOARD ALMAGRO'S HELICOPTER.

GABRIEL RORKE

There's Almagro! I'll take care of him. Should be easy enough, given that I've been repeatedly described as the ultimate badass.

RORKE gets his ASS HANDED TO HIM by ALMAGRO, forcing ELIAS to take the KILLING SHOT. The HELICOPTER then CRASHES and DANGLES over a RAGING FLOOD OF WATER. ELIAS is holding onto RORKE.

ELIAS WALKER

I can't save the others if I don't get to them now! Could you please make this easy for me and valiantly tell me to let you drop?

GABRIEL RORKE

Gonna be honest with you. Right now I don't feel like it. Maybe next time.

ELIAS WALKER

Well, there is a buttom prompt outright telling me to drop you.

GABRIEL RORKE

Seriously? Fuck you, Infinity Ward!

ELIAS lets go of RORKE, who FALLS into the WATER.

ELIAS WALKER (V.O.)

It was the most difficult choice I've ever made in my life, even though it wasn't a choice at all. I don't mean that in a dramatic way or anything, I say it in the spirit of a painfully linear Call of Duty game.

EXT. OIL FIELD - GULF OF MEXICO

Back in the PRESENT DAY, the GHOSTS are on a MISSION to CAPTURE RORKE, who is holed up in AN OIL FIELD.

ELIAS WALKER

Rorke survived his fall, which makes sense considering that we had already managed to live through a massive flood that kept knocking us into debris.

LOGAN WALKER

So why is he working against us now?

ELIAS WALKER

The Federation knew it was such a generic and faceless hodgepodge that it needed Rorke to represent it as a personal threat. To achieve that, it used ancient torture techniques to break him down and turn him to its cause.

LOGAN WALKER

Jeez, I figured we had enough random stereotyping when I caught those two Federation soldiers playing football. Do we really need all that Yellow Peril brainwashing nonsense?

ELIAS WALKER

It's actually another way to keep all the most effective weapons on the American side. The only way our enemies can measure up to us is by taking over our superior military capabilities and using them against us, as they did with ODIN and Rorke. Raul Menendez did the same in Black Ops 2. Alex Mason was turned as well.

LOGAN WALKER

First of all, that's a horribly disturbing message to send. Second of all, doesn't that really undermine the intent of this game to paint the US as the struggling underdog in this fight?

ELIAS WALKER

I figured the endless resources we still have at our disposal already managed that. Just look at this fleet of helicopters we're throwing at Rorke!

LOGAN WALKER

Again, that doesn't seem very Ghost-like.

After using HELICOPTER GUNSHIPS to destroy pretty much THE ENTIRE OIL FIELD, the GHOSTS find RORKE.

DAVID WALKER

There he is! He's just standing around with a self-satisfied grin on his face!

LOGAN WALKER

That obviously means getting captured is part of his diabolical plan. Guys? I mean, obviously.

GABRIEL RORKE

Nooo, surely not. You guys just suck at surprise attacks. Saw you coming a mile off.

The GHOSTS escort RORKE to their PLANE. OH, THEY HAVE A PLANE TOO.

INT. AIRPLANE - CARACAS

RORKE is being INTERROGATED by ELIAS and his SONS.

ELIAS WALKER

Okay, first question. What's with the fucking do-rag? You look like Marcus Fenix, only properly proportioned.

DAVID WALKER

I was thinking he looks more like Steven Seagal in Half Past Dead.

LOGAN WALKER

Wait, I've got it! Did anyone ever see that shitty movie Val Kilmer was in after he ballooned up and --

GABRIEL RORKE

Okay, fuck you guys! I'm not telling you anything!

ELIAS WALKER

David, Logan! Open the hatch and hang him from the back of the plane! That should break him.

GABRIEL RORKE

Seriously? You just mentioned the exotic and brutally effective torture methods I've endured for years and you elect to dangle me from a plane? Try ripping off a better movie than Mission: Impossible 3!

ELIAS WALKER

Got a suggestion, wiseass?

GABRIEL RORKE

As a matter of fact, I do. Have you ever seen The Dark Knight Rises?

ELIAS WALKER

I thought you said a better movie.

A FEDERATION PLANE appears and RIPS THE GHOSTS' PLANE IN TWO as a group of SOLDIERS EXTRACT RORKE.

GABRIEL RORKE

Hey Logan! Good job on surviving things that should've killed you several times over! You'll probably survive this plane crash too, so look me up afterwards! I can use a guy like you.

LOGAN WALKER

If you expect us to survive, I don't really know what this getting captured plan is accomplishing for you.

RORKE ABSCONDS and the GHOSTS crash in THE JUNGLE. They all SURVIVE, OF COURSE.

EXT. ANTARCTICA

The GHOSTS are planning THEIR NEXT MOVE.

ELIAS WALKER

We've located a secret Federation weapons factory near Rio de Janeiro, but it's being protected by their entire fleet. We'll have to lure them away first.

LOGAN WALKER

And what cunning ruse will we employ to do that?

ELIAS WALKER

We're going to blow up an oil platform in Antarctica, killing all the innocent workers aboard and doing irreparable damage to the local ecosystem.

LOGAN WALKER

Right, fuck civilian lives and penguins. Then what?

ELIAS WALKER

The Federation flagship won't take the bait, so you'll have to take a dive through that old Windows aquarium screensaver and take it out with a torpedo. Don't worry about all the fish, I've been explicitly told they'll move out of your way.

LOGAN WALKER

Hopefully my complete lack of experience with scuba diving will ensure I'm really good at it.

After doing ALL THAT, the GHOSTS infiltrate THE WEAPONS FACTORY, where they find A KINETIC BOMBARDMENT SYSTEM.

ELIAS WALKER

Oh my God, they've reverse engineered the wreckage of ODIN and created their own death satellite! Looks like they stuck with the Norse mythology theme and named theirs LOKI, though it doesn't seem to be a cool acronym like ODIN.

LOGAN WALKER

How about Low Orbit Kinetic Impact? Infinity Ward, that one's on the house.

ELIAS WALKER

If LOKI becomes operational, the Federation will win this war. We have to stop them now.

LOGAN WALKER

Wait, this wasn't the final mission? Then why the fuck was it called End of the Line? Talk about false hope.

EXT. LAS VEGAS

The GHOSTS regroup in their SAFE HOUSE in LAS VEGAS.

LOGAN WALKER

Hmm, a centre of decadent opulence and financial excess reduced to a sandy ruin. This is exactly the game that shouldn't be evoking Spec Ops: The Line.

DAVID WALKER

Come on, let's go do -- uhh -- what are we doing here?

LOGAN WALKER

We don't even have a goal in this level? Great, I suppose we're only here to get ambushed then.

THE GHOSTS are suddenly CAPTURED by RORKE and AN ENTIRE PLATOON OF FEDERATION SOLDIERS.

GABRIEL RORKE

I finally have you, Elias. How shall I begin your torture? Hmm, perhaps I'll shoot Logan here in the chest!

ELIAS WALKER

Hah, you moron! That's basically a paper cut to him!

GABRIEL RORKE

Fine, then I'll shoot you a bunch of times!

RORKE shoots and kills ELIAS.

DAVID WALKER

oh no our father he is dead

GABRIEL RORKE

Wait a minute. Now I've killed a man called Elias after it's become obvious that we were both battling for Logan's soul to the background of a horrible war. Fuck, I think I just ripped off Platoon!

RORKE leaves just in time to miss DAVID and LOGAN being RESCUED by KEEGAN or MERRICK, I FORGET WHICH IS WHICH. They head OUTSIDE and see RILEY attacking a FEDERATION SOLDIER.

DAVID WALKER

Oh no, Riley's been shot and now his whimpering is affecting me more than watching my own father dying!

LOGAN WALKER

I suppose I now have to cover your unarmed ass while you carry Riley to safety?

DAVID WALKER

No, you'll have to carry him while we basically do our own thing and not cover you at all!

LOGAN WALKER

That's actually much worse.

LOGAN tediously juggles CARRYING RILEY and SHOOTING DUDES, which are MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE ACTIVITIES.

EXT. SATELLITE ARRAY - CHILE

The GHOSTS are on their way to THE ATACAMA DESERT for an ALL-OUT ASSAULT on THE FEDERATION.

DAVID WALKER

Alright, time to put down the Federation for good!

LOGAN WALKER

What's the plan?

DAVID WALKER

We're launching an attack on the satellite array that serves as an early warning system for LOKI. Good thing we still have an entire tank batallion lying around for that.

LOGAN WALKER

Not to dump on the plan, but won't that attack serve as the very warning we're trying to prevent? What if the Federation preemptively uses LOKI?

DAVID WALKER

Oh no, we've also sent up a bunch of astronauts with guns to commandeer LOKI. We couldn't come up with a good enough plan of our own, so we just copied the original one of the Federation. That part of the operation is called Icarus, since popular culture dictates that's what you name anything that flies.

LOGAN WALKER

A tank batallion and a space programme. Right, straight up fuck the underdog angle. If there is such a thing as the overdog, we're definitely that. Anyways, what is our crucial role in this operation?

DAVID WALKER

Nothing. All of that's being done by other people. We're just going after Rorke to avenge our father. No backup either.

LOGAN WALKER

I'd complain about this entire war being reduced to a personal quest for revenge, but there isn't much substance to this war to reduce anyways.

While THE FEDERATION is being PUMMELLED INTO SUBMISSION, DAVID and LOGAN board RORKE'S TRAIN and fight their way to THE FRONT CAR.

LOGAN WALKER

Rorke! You killed my father!

GABRIEL RORKE

No, I am your father!

LOGAN WALKER

What? No. No, you're not. Just don't even go there.

GABRIEL RORKE

I just figured I'd drive all the blatant Star Wars parallels to their logical extreme.

LOGAN WALKER

Star Wars parallels? Okay, I'll grant you the fact that we're also a rebellion fighting an evil empire. An evil empire that also turned one of our own into its best agent. And yes, there was a snow level. And one where we donned enemy uniforms to infiltrate a base. And there is a Death Star in the form of ODIN and LOKI. And Elias was basically Obi-Wan. And --

GABRIEL RORKE

Oh look at that! While you weren't paying attention, I took you hostage and shot David in the leg! Hah, now there's nothing you can do!

DAVID gets LOKI to FIRE ON THE TRAIN, which CRASHES INTO THE OCEAN.

GABRIEL RORKE

Or that, you could do that.

Then LOGAN shoots RORKE and also THE WINDOW. The TRAIN FLOODS and LOGAN manages to DRAG DAVID to the SURFACE.

DAVID WALKER

I'm proud of you, Logan. Proud like a brother but also like a fellow soldier.

LOGAN WALKER

So the Federation is defeated and Rorke is dead. This all seems pretty final and conclusive. I guess I should be glad there's not an obvious sequel hook to hint at another whole trilogy.

GABRIEL RORKE

(appears out of nowhere)

GUESS AGAIN, MOTHERFUCKER!

LOGAN WALKER

Jesus Christ, you're still alive? I shot you with a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world! So this is how frustrating it feels to be a common NPC fighting a protagonist who keeps coming back.

RORKE kidnaps LOGAN and intends to BRAINWASH HIM THE SAME WAY HE WAS.

LOGAN WALKER

Why does everyone keep copying existing plans? Not to mention the fact that this is the second time you've cheated death. Who wrote this?

(checks IMDB)

Stephen Gaghan? Well, that figures. When will they learn that a movie screenwriter is generally ill-equipped to play to a game's strengths?

WRITER STEPHEN GAGHAN

Oh give me a fucking break! You have no idea what it was like! I come in, one guy wants a scuba diving section, another wants a train level, then someone just blurts out "Space!" and they expect me to piece all that together! I had to put a submarine in a mountain lake! I won an Oscar for writing Traffic and I put a goddamn submarine in a goddamn mountain lake! And you know they played up that Oscar! "From the Academy Award winning writer of Traffic," right there in the trailer! All because they figured that would give the story some cultural legitimacy! AND THAT FUCKING DOG! It was supposed to be a minor gimmick, but then the fans went apeshit over it! More dog, Stephen! Can we put the dog in this scene, Stephen? NO THIS IS THE SPACE SCENE YOU CANNOT PUT THE DOG IN SPACE FOR THE LOVE OF --

(fades into incoherent mumbling)

THE END