FADE IN:

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - 1968

ALEX MASON is strapped to a CHAIR and is being INTERROGATED by UNSEEN PEOPLE. A bunch of MONITORS keep flashing a series of NUMBERS.

INTERROGATOR

Tell us about Red Faction, Mason! Oh wait, wrong file.

(beat)

The numbers, Mason! What do they mean?

ALEX MASON

I don't know, I never watched Lost! Wait, did I just hear my own voice? And I can see myself on those monitors. Am I Sam Worthington?

INTERROGATOR

Yeah, it was a package deal. The developers could only get the motion capture and facial animation technology from Avatar if they signed him on as well.

ALEX MASON

The first Call of Duty protagonist with an actual face and personality. It's only fitting that I'm an arrogant dickwad. Kiss my ass, unseen people!

INTERROGATOR

We need to know what the numbers mean and where they're being broadcast from! Prepare to be tortured by seizure-inducing mission briefings that'll leave you unsure whether the game is having framerate issues or not.

ALEX MASON

Oh God no.

INTERROGATOR

And we'll keep coming back to this interrogation scene, because it's also a framing device so the developers can not only string the incredibly divergent missions together, but also cover for the parts they didn't bother to write. Let's start with Cuba.

CUT TO:

INT. CUBAN CAFE - 1961 WHOA

MASON is waiting in a CAFE with FRANK WOODS.

FRANK WOODS

Our mission is to assassinate Fidel Castro. Since he's still alive today, you can safely assume it'll all go spectacularly wrong.

SOLDIERS walk in and ask everyone for IDENTIFICATION, which is ALL THEY EVER DO IN MOVIES. MASON and WOODS kill them and get into a CAR.

ALEX MASON

Shit, there's roadblocks everywhere! We'll never make it!

FRANK WOODS

Try briefly flashing forward to when you're being interrogated! Then we can use that to awkwardly skip ahead to our infiltration of Castro's compound.

That HAPPENS.

INT. CASTRO'S COMPOUND - 1961

MASON and WOODS fight their way into CASTRO'S COMPOUND.

FRANK WOODS

Castro's behind this door. Pull out the pistol you dropped seven rooms back and shoot him!

MASON kicks in the DOOR and SHOOTS CASTRO.

FRANK WOODS

Eat that, you godless commie! Now let's escape.

During the ESCAPE, MASON is CAPTURED and brought to the REAL FIDEL CASTRO.

ALEX MASON

No, I killed you! The camera went to bullet time to explicitly show the impact! There was even a goddamn orchestral choir singing along to it!

FIDEL CASTRO

Was the guy you shot perpetually chewing on a cigar in a very stereotypical fashion like I am doing?

ALEX MASON

No, he was using a woman as a human shield.

FIDEL CASTRO

Ah, you shot Esteban, my double. He did like his human shields. Now I'm going to hand you over to scumbag asshole Nikita Dragovich, with whom I've forged an alliance.

ALEX MASON

Wait a second. The Cuban government is shitting blood over this fictional assassination attempt while a crapload of actual ones have been documented, but you working together with a Russian war criminal is alright?

NIKITA DRAGOVICH

That is indeed odd, especially given how over-the-top evil I am. Seriously, I'm even going to stretch out my lines and glare at you menacingly.

DRAGOVICH imprisons MASON in VORKUTA, a RUSSIAN GULAG.

INT. VORKUTA - 1963, I THINK

After a YEAR of IMPRISONMENT, MASON has befriended VIKTOR REZNOV.

VIKTOR REZNOV

I want to apologise in advance for my voice work. It's Gary Oldman, and he's apparently stuck on Air Force One.

(beat)

ONWARDS, MY BROTHERS! TO FREEDOM!

They start a PRISON BREAK.

VIKTOR REZNOV

NEVER FALTER! WE SHALL ESCAPE! OR DIE TRYING!

(beat)

Oh God, I'm so fucking sorry.

ALEX MASON

How are we going to get out of here?

VIKTOR REZNOV

I just watched The Last Castle and Terminator 2, so if we do everything from those two movies, we should be fine!

Once OUTSIDE, MASON jumps aboard the FREEDOM TRAIN.

ALEX MASON

Come on, Reznov!

VIKTOR REZNOV

No, my friend! I must remain behind! Our camaraderie is undermining the very essence of the Cold War!

INT. PENTAGON - YES, 1963

MASON is assigned to CIA AGENT JASON HUDSON, who takes him to the PENTAGON, which looks like the set of MAD MEN.

ALEX MASON

Were those actual cutscenes leading us into the Pentagon? And now I'm seeing split screens. Is all this even allowed in a Call of Duty game?

JASON HUDSON

At least such explicit movie techniques don't fool you into thinking there's any kind of interactivity to this game, as opposed to all those "Press Use To Whatever" prompts. Anyways, meet the President.

PRESIDENT KENNEDY

(Mayor Quimby impersonation)

Nice to meet you, Mr. Mason.

ALEX MASON

Holy fuck, the actual President! Why are they putting an obviously unstable guy like me in the same room with you? I'm hallucinating putting a gun to your head right now.

PRESIDENT KENNEDY

Don't worry about it. This scene is already in such poor taste because of flashing images of Lee Harvey Oswald on the monitors behind me.

ALEX MASON

Never mind the fact that receiving my orders directly from the President completely defeats the purpose of black operations.

PRESIDENT KENNEDY

Please, I'm pretty sure most black operations don't involve massive shootouts in public. So, your mission is to kill Dragovich. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go shoot some zombies so that I may become an even bigger parody of myself.

EXT. BAIKONUR COSMODROME - STILL 1963

MASON infiltrates a RUSSIAN MISSILE BASE alongside WOODS and JOSEPH BOWMAN.

JOSEPH BOWMAN

Aight motherfuckers, time for some straight-up beastifyin'!

FRANK WOODS

Don't mind him. He's being voiced by Ice Cube, who seems to think he's still xXx.

They use INCREDIBLY SCRIPTED STEALTH to get inside the BASE.

DEVELOPER TREYARCH

Okay, enough pussyfooting. TIME TO BLOW SOME SHIT UP! EXPLOSIONS!

FRANK WOODS

Mason, use this crossbow with explosive-tipped arrows! It's a horribly impractical weapon that's only here to look good in trailers!

After BLOWING SOME SHIT UP and disrupting a MISSILE LAUNCH, MASON destroys a CAR carrying DRAGOVICH.

FRANK WOODS

No one could survive that, but now that I've used that line, he probably did. Forget it, let's wait around for five years so the story can continue in Vietnam.

ALEX MASON

Why Vietnam?

FRANK WOODS

BECAUSE WE FUCKING CAN, OKAY?

EXT. KHE SANH - 1968 ALL OF A SUDDEN

To make sure people know absolutely sure that this is 'NAM BABY, a RADIO plays FORTUNATE SON. MASON meets with WOODS.

FRANK WOODS

Yeah, that's right. I'm so badass that refusing to wear any armour isn't enough, I'm not even bothering with a shirt! Admire my manly pectorals.

ALEX MASON

So what's my mission objective here?

FRANK WOODS

Basically, it's "never take your finger off the left mouse button."

JASON HUDSON

And I'm here to contribute absolutely nothing!

MASON kills a METRIC FUCKTON of VIETCONG SOLDIERS who all sound like they came from an episode of SOUTH PARK.

ALEX MASON

Well, that was pretty pointless. Can we do something to actually advance the plot now?

EXT. HUE CITY - 1968

MASON and WOODS are in a HELICOPTER on a mission to extract a DEFECTOR who has information on DRAGOVICH.

ALEX MASON

Wait, is this an Infinity Ward or a Treyarch game?

FRANK WOODS

Treyarch. Didn't that AK-47 with underslung flamethrower tip you off?

ALEX MASON

Then brace yourself. Those guys always destroy a vehicle within ten seconds of introducing it.

The HELICOPTER is SHOT DOWN.

FRANK WOODS

Here, use this shotgun. It's got incendiary shells that sets limbs on fire before blowing them off completely.

ALEX MASON

Good, because I was getting so tired of having to do any actual aiming.

MASON finds the DEFECTOR, who turns out to be REZNOV.

VIKTOR REZNOV

Mason, I have important information for you. Dragovich is planning an attack on the US. To find out the exact nature of his diabolical scheme, you can either watch any James Bond movie or play Hudson for a while.

CUT TO:

INT. KOWLOON CITY - ALSO 1968

HUDSON is torturing DR. DANIEL CLARKE.

JASON HUDSON

Talk, damn you!

DANIEL CLARKE

I helped develop some nerve gas called Nova 6 for Dragovich! He's got sleeper agents in American cities that are waiting for the numbers broadcast to release it!

JASON HUDSON

Whoa, is Gary Oldman voicing you too? Is he taking this minor role just as serious as he is Reznov's?

DANIEL CLARKE

FOOLISH AMERICANS! YOU LED THEM RIGHT TO ME!

JASON HUDSON

Oh fuck it, I'm just going to make you eat glass. Hopefully that'll shut you up.

It DOESN'T. They are SURROUNDED by RUSSIAN SPETSNAZ who KILL CLARKE after a MASSIVE SHOOTOUT IN PUBLIC.

SPETSNAZ

BOOM! HEADSHOT!

JASON HUDSON

Okay, we know what Dragovich is planning. Now let's --

DEVELOPER TREYARCH

Wait, we still need to explain where Nova 6 came from and how we awkwardly wrote Reznov into the whole thing!

JASON HUDSON

And how are you going to do that?

DEVELOPER TREYARCH

We'll have Mason flash back to when Reznov told him the story. That way, we can recycle our assets from Call of Duty: World at War.

JASON HUDSON

A flashback within a flashback? Impossible. It's too unstable for the average Call of Duty player.

DEVELOPER TREYARCH

It is possible, you just have to add plenty of exposition to overexplain everything.

EXT. ARCTIC CIRCLE - 1945 JESUS CHRIST

REZNOV HAMS his way through WORLD WAR 2 and again establishes that DRAGOVICH is a SCUMBAG ASSHOLE.

DEVELOPER TREYARCH

We've bought the rights to another Vietnam War-era song, so let's go back to that now!

JASON HUDSON

Go forward, you mean.

VIKTOR REZNOV

Ow, my brain!

EXT. CRASH SITE - 1968 AGAIN

MASON and WOODS infiltrate a RIVERSIDE CAMP.

FRANK WOODS

Slit that guy's throat, Mason. And don't be afraid to give your knife a good wiggle once it's in there, you know. Really get that blood flowing.

Eventually, they walk into a TRAP. DRAGOVICH and his second-in-command, LEV KRAVCHENKO, enter.

LEV KRAVCHENKO

Yes, we were cleverly hiding just to the right of the screen!

ALEX MASON

For fuck's sake, all I seem to be doing is getting captured.

They hand over MASON and WOODS to the VIETCONG, who take them to a PRISON CAMP.

ALEX MASON

What are they going to do to us, Woods?

FRANK WOODS

Well, The Deer Hunter is probably the only major Vietnam movie that this game hasn't ripped off yet, so --

VIETCONG SOLDIERS force them to play RUSSIAN ROULETTE, during which they manage to ESCAPE. Outside, they find a HELICOPTER.

FRANK WOODS

Okay Mason, you fly the helicopter and shoot at fucking everything. Especially the things that have the word "Destroy" on them.

ALEX MASON

What are you gonna do?

FRANK WOODS

I'll just shout generic revenge lines, like "TAKE THAT, YOU SONS OF BITCHES" and "PAYBACK, YEAH."

MASON seems to single-handedly WIN THE VIETNAM WAR. He lands the HELICOPTER and heads into a CAVE where KRAVCHENKO is. On the way, he finds REZNOV.

VIKTOR REZNOV

Mason! Say, can you ask your friends why they never acknowledge me?

ALEX MASON

I'm guessing they're afraid you'll vomit overdramatic lines about decadent leaders or something.

WOODS kills KRAVCHENKO, after which KRAVCHENKO kills WOODS. REZNOV then acts HORRIBLY SUSPICIOUS.

VIKTOR REZNOV

Now let's somehow get to Russia.

INT. REBIRTH ISLAND - 1968

MASON and REZNOV infiltrate a SOVIET BASE with the intent of killing FRIEDRICH STEINER, the SCIENTIST who developed NOVA 6.

VIKTOR REZNOV

Steiner is inside, Mason! Why are you not moving ahead?

ALEX MASON

Uh -- there's a door.

VIKTOR REZNOV

Oh right, sorry.

REZNOV opens the DOOR and confronts STEINER.

VIKTOR REZNOV

I AM VIKTOR REZNOV AND I AM GOING TO OVERACT YOU TO DEATH!

Meanwhile, HUDSON arrives and sees MASON killing STEINER OH MY GOD.

CUT TO:

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - 1968 PROBABLY

The UNSEEN INTERROGATOR reveals himself to be HUDSON HOLY FUCK.

JASON HUDSON

Reznov is dead, Mason. He died five years ago and you've been hallucinating him this whole time. Dragovich brainwashed you during your time in Vorkuta. He intended for you to kill the President, but Reznov sabotaged the procedure and co-opted you for his own revenge quest. Now, even though this is technically all conjecture on my part, please accept it as the truth.

ALEX MASON

Just like that movie where this one guy imagined this other guy. And they fight in a club of sorts.

JASON HUDSON

Not only that, but it's also a cheap gimmick that ensures you'll have to play the game at least once more to go back and catch all the hints.

DEVELOPER TREYARCH

You'd think that, but instead we're going to run this revelation into the ground by going back for you and patronisingly recounting each and every clue.

JASON HUDSON

So, now that I've told you that you're a batshit crazy schizophrenic, you've obviously gained an understanding of the numbers. I'll instantly jump on the first thing you pull out of your ass.

ALEX MASON

The numbers are being broadcast from the Rusalka, a Russian tanker! It's anchored off the coast of Cuba!

JASON HUDSON

Looks like we're going to --

(puts on sunglasses)

smoke some Cubans.

ALEX MASON

YEEEEAAAAAAAH!

EXT. RUSALKA - 1968 I GUESS

MASON and HUDSON lead an ATTACK on the RUSALKA.

ALEX MASON

Why am I being allowed to pilot this helicopter and man its guns? Didn't you just specifically point out that I'm a batshit crazy schizophrenic?

JASON HUDSON

Revealing to someone that they're hallucinating either immediately cures them or turns their hallucinations self-aware. Is Reznov currently sitting next to you and telling you he's really real?

ALEX MASON

He says no.

JASON HUDSON

Then you're cured!

They fight their way into the RUSALKA and find out that it is connected to an UNDERWATER STATION. Once there, MASON stops the BROADCAST, but is intercepted by DRAGOVICH.

NIKITA DRAGOVICH

Yes, my diabolical scheme lies in ruins, but I still win, because I made you kill the President maybe!

ALEX MASON

Why are you implying that when you have no idea whether my brainwashing has actually worked? And don't say you anticipated it nonetheless, because if there's one overused cliché, it's the villain accurately predicting the hero's actions and being all smug about that.

NIKITA DRAGOVICH

(smug)

Please, this is a Call of Duty game. What isn't predictable?

MASON drowns DRAGOVICH and swims to the SURFACE with HUDSON.

ALEX MASON

Okay, that does it. I've hallucinated a supporting character, I've descended to an underwater station tethered to a tanker ship, and I've thwarted a terrorist plot based around nerve gas with greatly exaggerated effects.

(beat)

Would Ed Harris only sign on to voice you if the story was written from his films' plot points?

JASON HUDSON

No, the developers couldn't get him, so they wrote the story strictly around lines they could sample from his films.

DEVELOPER TREYARCH

What do you mean, wrote?

EMINEM starts RAPPING over the CREDITS, utterly destroying what little CREDIBILITY was left. The game is immediately WIPED FROM THE HISTORY BOOKS.

PRESIDENT KENNEDY

Is it time for our Saturday Night Live skit now?

THE END