FADE IN:

INT. SAFEHOUSE - INDIA

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH, who is MORTALLY WOUNDED, is being taken to a SAFEHOUSE by CAPTAIN PRICE.

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

What took you guys so long to get me here?

CAPTAIN PRICE

We had to wait for the intro logos to get through all the development studios that contributed to this game. Took fucking ages.

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

Right, I pity anyone who's planning to wait past the credits.

CAPTAIN PRICE

And after that, we were asked like five times whether we wanted to skip any disturbing content.

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

And do you?

CAPTAIN PRICE

Hell no! So there shouldn't be any qualms about stabbing your gaping chest wound with an adrenaline syringe.

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH briefly passes out and sees a FLASHBACK of him throwing a KNIFE into GENERAL SHEPHERD'S EYE SOCKET. The FLASHBACK then quickly REVERSES so it looks like SHEPHERD CATCHES the KNIFE with his EYELIDS and THROWS IT BACK. FUCKING BADASS.

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

I'm still too weak to fight. You'll have to introduce a new player character to serve as a third-person viewpoint on me.

YURI

I believe I can be of assistance!

VLADIMIR MAKAROV'S MEN then attack the SAFEHOUSE. YURI helps CAPTAIN PRICE and CAPTAIN MACTAVISH escape.

EXT. WALL STREET - NEW YORK

The RUSSIAN ARMY has invaded MANHATTAN for some reason and made it look exactly like a scene from TRANSFORMERS, except without the TRANSFORMERS. DELTA FORCE OPERATIVE "SANDMAN" is bossing around DEREK "FROST" WESTBROOK.

SANDMAN

The Russians have installed a radio jammer on top of the Stock Exchange! This must be a commentary on the current economical crisis, but I'm not sure how!

FROST

Whoa, we're dropping straight into the action? Don't I first need to be taught the gameplay mechanics in a contrived training session?

SANDMAN

If you haven't gotten down the basics of "press button, guys die" by now, then what are you even doing here?

SANDMAN and FROST fight their way to the TOP of the STOCK EXCHANGE.

SANDMAN

There's the radio jammer. Plant some thermite on it, Frost.

FROST

Thermite? We better keep our distance then.

SANDMAN

Relax. The guys behind Dead Space helped out with this game's development. That means you can stand as close to thermite as you want when it goes off.

FROST destroys the JAMMER and climbs aboard a HELICOPTER.

SANDMAN

Man the minigun, Frost! We've got multiple enemy rotorwings in pursuit!

FROST

What the fuck are rotorwings? Oh, you mean helicopters.

FROST fights off the ENEMY HELICOPTERS.

SANDMAN

Now we need to go to a place and do a thing and kill lots of dudes on the way there.

FROST

Yes, that's what we always do. You need to dress it up in incomprehensible military lingo.

SANDMAN

Oh right.

(beat)

Ivan's got a Oscar-II sub in our AO. OPCON needs us to link up with the SEALs and infil. Phase line echo secure.

FROST

I'm on it! I think.

And while that's happening...

INT. PRESIDENTIAL PLANE - RUSSIAN AIRSPACE

RUSSIAN PRESIDENT VORSHEVSKY is meeting with his CABINET to discuss a PEACE TREATY.

PRESIDENT VORSHEVSKY

We must foster peace if we are to survive --

(beat)

I'm sorry, why is this man constantly jumping around and circling the table?

ANDREI HARKOV

Oh, I'm a player character. I do that.

Suddenly, GUNFIRE is heard.

PRESIDENT VORSHEVSKY

Gunshots! Is this a reverse Air Force One? Have the Americans come for me?

ANDREI HARKOV

No, it appears Makarov has somehow stowed a small army aboard this plane. He's trying to kidnap you.

As HARKOV fights off the HIJACKERS, the PLANE starts to STALL OUT, which causes momentary WEIGHTLESSNESS.

ANDREI HARKOV

Fighting bad guys in zero-g? I wonder what the inception of that idea was!

After the PLANE CRASHES, MAKAROV appears. He KILLS HARKOV and takes PRESIDENT VORSHEVSKY HOSTAGE.

VLADIMIR MAKAROV

Good thing I planned for that plane crash to not horribly kill you! I want the nuclear launch codes!

PRESIDENT VORSHEVSKY

Why are you even bothering with this? When Zakhaev wanted access to our nuclear arsenal, he simply took control of a missile silo. Hell, Captain Price even managed to launch one of our nukes by taking over a nuclear submarine all by himself! And you seem to have an entire fucking army at your disposal.

VLADIMIR MAKAROV

Half of which I just managed to put on your plane.

(beat)

All the things you just said? Yeah, you really need to start reviewing your government's security policies.

EXT. VILLAGE - SIERRA LEONE

After tracking down a LEAD or whatever, CAPTAIN PRICE, CAPTAIN MACTAVISH and YURI arrive in SIERRA LEONE, where some GENOCIDE is going on for the FUCK of it.

CAPTAIN PRICE

Makarov's got a shipment coming through here. We need to intercept it.

YURI

But this is only the fourth mission in the game. Am I then correct in assuming that it's not a question of actually intercepting the shipment, but more the measure by which we don't?

CAPTAIN PRICE

Pretty much. Let's almost get to it!

They manage to miss the SHIPMENT by about TWO SECONDS because of a HYENA. SERIOUSLY.

YURI

So close.

EXT. CANARY WHARF - LONDON

An SAS TEAM has traced the SHIPMENT to LONDON.

SERGEANT BURNS

I'm another new player character? How many is that now? Is anybody keeping track?

SERGEANT WALLCROFT

Keep your eyes peeled. We need to stop the truck that's carrying the shipment.

SERGEANT BURNS

Hey, you're being voiced by the same guy who did both Gaz and Ghost. And they both died in the previous games.

SERGEANT WALLCROFT

What can I say? The developers must love that guy or get him really cheap.

The SAS troops engage a group of TERRORISTS, who ESCAPE onto a LONDON UNDERGROUND TRAIN.

SERGEANT WALLCROFT

Come on, after them!

SERGEANT BURNS

Weren't we looking out for a truck?

SERGEANT WALLCROFT

Yes, but we'll get to that! We're shamelessly referencing the 2005 London bombings if it kills us!

This does in fact KILL ALMOST ALL OF THE SAS TROOPS. SERGEANT WALLCROFT and SERGEANT BURNS then find the TRUCK.

SERGEANT WALLCROFT

It's empty! This truck was a decoy!

SERGEANT BURNS

And the plot thins!

EXT. BIG BEN - LONDON

The VIEWPOINT shifts to an AMERICAN FAMILY on VACATION in LONDON.

FATHER

Yes, I decided that World War 3 is the perfect time to take my wife and child on a vacation. Hey honey, why don't you skip around all innocently?

DAUGHTER

Fuck you, dad. I'm a child in a videogame. That can only mean that I'm going to be horribly killed to infuse the story with drama.

FATHER

Seriously, how much more drama do we need? There's a senseless war being fought as we speak. Your death would only serve to underline the obvious.

The ACTUAL TRUCK drives up and BLOWS THE FUCK UP, killing the entire FAMILY.

VLADIMIR MAKAROV

TERRORISM!

EXT. SUBURB - HAMBURG

SANDMAN and FROST are headed for HAMBURG.

SANDMAN

Russian forces have captured the Vice President, who was in Hamburg for the peace summit.

FROST

Great, one of the most vital treaties in history and the United States doesn't consider it worthy of the actual President.

SANDMAN

To be fair, this whole treaty is basically one big joke. The Russian army is attacking our delegation. Who do you think they're taking orders from?

They land on a BEACH and engage the RUSSIAN FORCES.

FROST

So here's us Americans storming a beachhead under heavy automatic fire to stop a superpower from attempting to annex Europe. Are you sure this is World War 3? It feels more like World War 2.1.

Eventually, they RESCUE the VICE PRESIDENT.

SANDMAN

Now we just need to wait for extraction.

FROST

I hope we don't have to use any sort of vehicle. If it's got seats and a steering wheel, it's going to be blown up.

FIVE EXTRACTION VEHICLES are BLOWN UP, so they escape aboard the SIXTH.

EXT. EIFFEL TOWER - PARIS

Through the INTERROGATION of a SOMALI WARLORD, which we WON'T GET INTO, CAPTAIN PRICE learns that one of MAKAROV'S ALLIES, VOLK, is in PARIS. SANDMAN and FROST go after him.

SANDMAN

There he is! He's getting in a car!

FROST

We need him alive, right?

SANDMAN

Right! So you blindly shoot at the car and I'll violently drive it off the road! That should make absolutely sure Volk survives!

All of that HAPPENS.

SANDMAN

Great, now we just have to get him out of here. The extraction point is right next to the Eiffel Tower.

They escort VOLK to the EIFFEL TOWER, which COLLAPSES from an AERIAL BOMBARDMENT.

FROST

Oh no! What will movies use now to indicate that Paris is Paris?

SANDMAN

So it's come this far. We've finally reached the point where we need to rip off Team America: World Police.

CAPTAIN PRICE learns from VOLK that MAKAROV has arranged a MEETING in a HOTEL in PRAGUE.

EXT. HOTEL LUSTIG - PRAGUE

After eliminating MAKAROV'S FORCES in the area, CAPTAIN MACTAVISH and YURI set up position inside a CHURCH TOWER overlooking the HOTEL.

YURI

You know, we just triggered an entire street war only to set up this vantage point. I'm sure that's going to raise Makarov's suspicions.

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

Feh, I'm sure it's fine.

YURI

Also, Makarov must know that we captured Volk, so he's probably aware that this meeting has been compromised.

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

Look, there's Makarov now. See? You worry too much.

YURI

Yeah, the fact that he's showing up at all should set off even more alarm bells.

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

Would you stop with all the negativity?

As CAPTAIN PRICE moves in for the KILL, MAKAROV sets off the obvious TRAP. CAPTAIN MACTAVISH is SEVERELY WOUNDED.

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

It was a trap! How did he know?

CAPTAIN PRICE

Soap, we've got to get you out of here! You've already lost three grown men's worth of blood!

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

It's too late, Price. This series is just too dead set on illustrating that anyone can die. I just wish my dying words could be something epic and not simply a random plot point. So yeah, Makarov knows Yuri and everything.

(dies oh no)

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

What did Soap mean when he said Makarov knows you?

A series of FLASHBACKS retroactively shows YURI hanging out with MAKAROV during some of the PREVIOUS GAMES' KEY SCENES.

CAPTAIN PRICE

And what was the point of that? It's not casting any doubts on your allegiance, so it doesn't change your present character in the slightest.

YURI

I think it's me being a third-person viewpoint on Makarov now that Soap no longer needs one.

CAPTAIN PRICE

But none of that gets us a step closer to actually finding Makarov. Unless some unrelated clue were to suddenly pop up, but that would really render all this poignant drama moot.

SANDMAN

Hey guys, we used unrelated clues to learn that Makarov has President Vorshevsky at a diamond mine in Siberia!

CAPTAIN PRICE

Let's all team up and go get him!

EXT. DIAMOND MINE - SIBERIA

CAPTAIN PRICE, YURI and SANDMAN launch an ASSAULT on the DIAMOND MINE. Since that apparently ISN'T AWESOME ENOUGH ON ITS OWN, the COURTYARD also features A BAGGER 288.

SANDMAN

They're keeping President Vorshevsky behind this reinforced door! We can't get in!

CAPTAIN PRICE

I know, we'll punch a hole in the ceiling!

SANDMAN

Genius!

CAPTAIN PRICE

We'll stand right next to the explosives as they detonate and ride the concrete down!

SANDMAN

Wait, what if we're right on top of the President when we --

CAPTAIN PRICE

And then we'll shoot the President's captors with perfect head shots before we even hit the ground!

SANDMAN

Dude, what?

This HAPPENS. Then the MINE starts to COLLAPSE.

SANDMAN

Go! Get to the rotorwing!

CAPTAIN PRICE

The what?

SANDMAN

The chopper! Get to the chopper! I'll valiantly stay behind and cover your escape!

CAPTAIN PRICE

Why? The chopper's right here. It's maybe ten yards. It just seems further away because we're in dramatic slow motion.

SANDMAN

YOU HAVE TO GOOOOO!

The MINE COLLAPSES as CAPTAIN PRICE and YURI escape with PRESIDENT VORSHEVSKY.

EXT. HOTEL - ARABIAN PENINSULA

The WAR has come to an END. CAPTAIN PRICE decides to give MAKAROV a PHONE CALL.

VLADIMIR MAKAROV

Wait, how in the living fuck are you just casually giving me a call right now?

CAPTAIN PRICE

Hah, who's the idiot who kept his number listed all this time?

VLADIMIR MAKAROV

Who's the idiot who never found it until now? Who's the idiot who spent two games stringing together a long list of dubious and risky leads to track me down?

CAPTAIN PRICE

I AM GOING TO KILL YOU IN THE FACE!

VLADIMIR MAKAROV

Assuming that means you know where I am, I think I'll only try to escape once you get here.

CAPTAIN PRICE

Much obliged.

CAPTAIN PRICE and YURI don some JUGGERNAUT ARMOUR and attack the HOTEL.

CAPTAIN PRICE

The irony here is that even without this Juggernaut armour, we'd still be able to handle this kind of opposition!

YURI

You think that's funny? Why do these games try to take themselves so goddamn seriously by including a single controversial scene of horrific hopelessness when that scene is consistently bookended by the same over-the-top action that typifies the Army Of Two antics that we're now reenacting?

CAPTAIN PRICE

Look, people buy these games for the same reason the Transformers movies keep drawing crowds. It's overblown and unadulterated action that doesn't advance the medium in any way, because it's been repeatedly proven that it doesn't need to. So let's just accept the fact that we're not soldiers. We're action heroes.

VLADIMIR MAKAROV

That means you're not going to kill me with a swift and clean shot to the head, are you?

CAPTAIN PRICE

Try imagining the most ridiculously excessive death you can, and it still won't come close to what most fans want me to do to you.

After MAKAROV kills YURI, CAPTAIN PRICE wraps a CABLE around his NECK and SHOVES him through a GLASS ROOF.

CAPTAIN PRICE

This is for Soap! And Yuri! And Sandman! And Ghost! And Roach! And Gaz! And I can keep going for a while here!

VLADIMIR MAKAROV

Now you're just illustrating that you're the only memorable character still standing! What's left for the next Call of Duty?

(dies, fucking finally)

CAPTAIN PRICE

Priceless.

THE END