Battlefield 3 - The Movie

I got a bland feeling about this, man.
I got a bland feeling about this, man.

FADE IN:

EXT. NEW YORK

SERGEANT HENRY BLACKBURN runs up to a BRIDGE and jumps onto a SPEEDING SUBWAY TRAIN.

HENRY BLACKBURN

Okay, why is a military shooter opening with me tossing and tumbling all over a subway train? It's like when Speed blew up the bus too early and didn't know what to do with itself, except we seem to be doing it the other way around.

BLACKBURN boards the SUBWAY and shoots a bunch of TERRORISTS. He then encounters SOLOMON, who SUBDUES him.

SOLOMON

You have no idea who I am or what I represent! All you know is that I have a gun pointed at your face! How are you going to get out of this one, huh?

HENRY BLACKBURN

Well, since this is clearly an in medias res opening, I can only assume that we're about to cut away to --

CUT TO:

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - EIGHT HOURS EARLIER

HENRY BLACKBURN

-- a different scene oh there we go.

BLACKBURN is waiting in an INTERROGATION ROOM. CIA AGENTS GORDON and WHISTLER enter.

AGENT GORDON

Good morning, Sergeant Blackburn. You will note that my voice and likeness are being provided by Glenn Morshower, and I'm sure a lot of people will be excited about that.

AGENT WHISTLER

My voice and likeness are provided by Thor Edgell, and I'm sure one person is going to be excited about that.

AGENT GORDON

Who might that be?

AGENT WHISTLER

Thor Edgell.

HENRY BLACKBURN

Seriously, why is it that Glenn Morshower has to be in every single media product that even remotely involves the military?

AGENT GORDON

I suppose his special brand of matter-of-facting fits the stoic, no-nonsense approach of military personnel and government agents.

AGENT WHISTLER

No-nonsense, eh? Ironic, given that pretty much every line we utter is complete nonsense.

AGENT GORDON

Now tell us when you first heard of Solomon and the PLR.

AGENT WHISTLER

Yeah, tell us, you worthless piece of shit blaaaaargh!

HENRY BLACKBURN

Oh, good cop, bad cop?

AGENT GORDON

More like boring agent, vague agent.

HENRY BLACKBURN

Well, I first heard of Solomon nine months ago.

AGENT GORDON

And just keep to the highlights, okay? We don't need to know about the thirty feet you walked from the infantry vehicle to the briefing point.

HENRY BLACKBURN

That's not how flashbacks work, silly!

For the rest of the game, ALL MODERN WARFARE GAMES happen, except PRETTIER.

CUT TO:

EXT. IRAQ - NINE MONTHS AGO

BLACKBURN is sitting inside an INFANTRY VEHICLE with his FELLOW MARINES.

STEVE CAMPO

Since it's next to impossible to tell any of us apart just by our faces, we each fit a specific stereotype. I'm the coolheaded, mission-focused leader guy.

DAVID MONTES

I'm the snarky loudmouth. You need a sarcastically impudent comment on our situation, you come to me.

CHRISTIAN MATKOVIC

I'm the laid-back weirdo who will fall asleep at one point and dream about vanilla milkshakes.

JACK CHAFFIN

And I'm the idealistic younger guy. Fuck, that must mean I'll be the first to die or something.

They all get out of the INFANTRY VEHICLE and walk THIRTY FEET to the BRIEFING POINT, where they are met by CAPTAIN QUINTON COLE.

QUINTON COLE

My specific stereotype is that I'm black. Anyways, there's an Iranian insurgent group called the PLR that's pissed off because we're actually calling it Iran. You guys need to go stop them.

HENRY BLACKBURN

Can do!

QUINTON COLE

We've lost contact with a squad that was looking for a thing. Go find them before the PLR does.

They head into the CITY and are engaged by PLR INSURGENTS. CHAFFIN is SHOT, but doesn't DIE.

JACK CHAFFIN

Really bucking the trope with this one, guys!

STEVE CAMPO

Blackburn! Drag Chaffin to safety, then keep shooting dudes until you shoot the one dude that makes all the other dudes keep coming!

BLACKBURN does ALL THAT. The SQUAD is then PINNED DOWN by a SNIPER.

STEVE CAMPO

He's in the hotel across the street. Blackburn, take the AT4!

BLACKBURN readies an AT4 ROCKET LAUNCHER.

STEVE CAMPO

Be careful, Blackburn. There'll be a glint off his rifle scope, which should allow you to pinpoint the exact window he's in and --

He fires a ROCKET and the ENTIRE HOTEL FACADE comes down.

STEVE CAMPO

Or just blow up the whole building. That works too.

After they find the MISSING SQUAD DEAD, an EARTHQUAKE uses the DYNAMIC DESTRUCTION ENGINE to DYNAMICALLY DESTROY half of IRAQ. BLACKBURN is KNOCKED OUT by A BUILDING FALLING ON HIM.

HENRY BLACKBURN

Could've started my flashbacks from the point I actually saw Solomon. But no, I have to relive the goddamn earthquake!

CUT TO:

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM

HENRY BLACKBURN

When I came to amidst the rubble, I saw Solomon threatening a wounded Marine. I then managed to escape the PLR and regroup with my squad.

AGENT GORDON

Faruk Al-Bashir, the leader of the PLR, used the earthquake and the resulting chaos to stage a coup and take control of Iran. We sent in 50,000 Marines to take him out.

AGENT WHISTLER

Hey, that was some really joke-free dialogue you guys just had.

HENRY BLACKBURN

Give me a break. The writing for these interrogation cutscenes is so humourless, it's actually starting to prevent all other humour.

AGENT GORDON

Now tell me about Lieutenant Hawkins. She was an F-18 pilot taking part in an air raid on Al-Bashir.

HENRY BLACKBURN

Never heard of her.

AGENT GORDON

That's right, she's completely irrelevant to this whole thing. But we need some kind of vehicle section, so here goes.

CUT TO:

EXT. AIRCRAFT CARRIER - TWO WEEKS AGO

LIEUTENANT JENNIFER HAWKINS is being briefed by her CO-PILOT.

CO-PILOT

Hawkins, CAG took us off whiskey delta ground support. DASC will fill us in with ELINT sat images of Mehrabad Airport. Pucker factor 9.7.

JENNIFER HAWKINS

I have absolutely no idea what you just said.

They get into a FIGHTER JET and TAKE OFF.

JENNIFER HAWKINS

Wait, I don't even get to fly myself?

CO-PILOT

We tried that before, remember? You kept trying to do loop the loops and jump out of the cockpit mid-flight. So now you only get to point at things and make them explode.

JENNIFER HAWKINS

So this isn't even a vehicle section, it's just one big quicktime event.

CO-PILOT

Ironic, isn't it? You're the only female character in this game and the one mission you're in is designed solely to look pretty.

Meanwhile...

EXT. IRAN - TWO WEEKS AGO

BLACKBURN'S SQUAD is headed to a BANK to gather INTELLIGENCE.

STEVE CAMPO

We've received information that the PLR has set up an ambush along this road. To throw them off, we're going to drive straight into it.

HENRY BLACKBURN

What? Why?

STEVE CAMPO

Because they know we know, you know? So that's the last thing they'll be expecting.

HENRY BLACKBURN

No, it's not. Reverse psychology doesn't work on ambushes, dumbass.

They are AMBUSHED OH MY GOD!

STEVE CAMPO

Who would have figured? Oh well, let's continue on foot.

BLACKBURN walks up to the BANK.

HENRY BLACKBURN

Hmm, the entrance door is locked.

STEVE CAMPO

Wait, what are you doing?

HENRY BLACKBURN

I'm getting an AT4. I just blew out the entire facade of a hotel, I'm sure I can make quick work of this little door.

STEVE CAMPO

No no, the door will open just fine. It just can't be you opening it.

HENRY BLACKBURN

Oh come on! A fully dynamic destruction engine and I still get the finger from a goddamn door?

CAMPO opens the GODDAMN DOOR and the SQUAD enters the BANK. They fight their way to the VAULT, where they find SOLOMON'S EVIL SCHEME LAID OUT IN FULL.

STEVE CAMPO

A Russian portable nuke in a case with room for two more. I have to call this in.

(into radio)

Captain, we've got a situation. The story is becoming clichéd. I repeat, clichéd!

QUINTON COLE

And two of the clichés are missing, you say? Sit tight, I'm sending in backup.

STEVE CAMPO

Sir, I suggest we start messing with the plot's chronology. On their own, the events are going to become too dull and generic otherwise. This flashback structure may not be enough.

QUINTON COLE

Hmm, that might even get people to play the game more than once. But if we start showing later scenes first, it could be a while before we can get backup to you guys.

STEVE CAMPO

(gravely)

We don't have a choice, sir.

And so...

EXT. PARIS - ONE DAY AGO

RUSSIAN OPERATIVES DIMITRI "DIMA" MAYAKOVSKY and VLADIMIR KAMARIVSKY are headed for the EURONEXT STOCK EXCHANGE in PARIS.

VLADIMIR KAMARIVSKY

We have to stop the nuke. Dima, I hope your friend will come through for us in New York. Also some other stuff that won't make sense until the game is finished.

They enter the STOCK EXCHANGE and see someone RUNNING AWAY with the NUKE.

VLADIMIR KAMARIVSKY

After him!

DIMA MAYAKOVSKY

The exit door appears to be locked.

VLADIMIR KAMARIVSKY

Ah, then there must be one last dude off in a corner somewhere. Go and kill him, and then only I will be able to open the door.

DIMA MAYAKOVSKY

Seriously, fuck these doors.

They head out onto the STREETS and kill a few POLICE OFFICERS because that's CONTROVERSIAL. VLADIMIR is then MORTALLY WOUNDED by an RPG.

VLADIMIR KAMARIVSKY

You must -- go on without me!

(dies)

DIMA MAYAKOVSKY

I'm trying, but this melodramatic slow motion is taking forever!

Eventually, DIMA finds that the RUNNER doesn't have the NUKE, which is then DETONATED back at the STOCK EXCHANGE.

DIMA MAYAKOVSKY

The nuke actually goes off? How controversial four years ago!

CUT TO:

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM

AGENT GORDON

The blast killed 80,000 people. We need to figure out who's responsible so the French government knows who it can surrender to.

HENRY BLACKBURN

I'm telling you, it's Solomon and the PLR.

AGENT GORDON

We're not entirely convinced. Can you continue your story in such a way that we can shoehorn in another vehicle section?

HENRY BLACKBURN

No thanks.

AGENT WHISTLER

Did you say tanks?

CUT TO:

EXT. IRAN - TWO WEEKS AGO

SERGEANT JONATHAN MILLER is driving a TANK and playing with HIS SON'S DINOSAUR TOY.

JONATHAN MILLER

Boy, I sure hope I don't miss my son's birthday party. Boy, I sure wish I hadn't just said that and signed my own death warrant.

MILLER drives up to the BANK, where BLACKBURN'S SQUAD is holed up.

HENRY BLACKBURN

For fuck's sake, that took ages!

STEVE CAMPO

Yeah, nonlinear storytelling is all well and good, but I didn't think they'd try to shoehorn in another vehicle section too.

JONATHAN MILLER

Hey wait, you're not wearing any goggles.

HENRY BLACKBURN

So?

JONATHAN MILLER

I keep seeing light splashes reflected in my view, so I just assumed that player characters always wear them. Or was someone stupid enough to ask for J.J. Abrams' input?

HENRY BLACKBURN

No, if you're a player character, the developers assume your head is a monitor.

BLACKBURN'S SQUAD moves the NUKE onto a CHOPPER, which EXTRACTS them. MILLER is then OVERRUN and KNOCKED OUT by PLR TROOPS. He comes to in a HOTEL ROOM facing a CAMCORDER and sees SOLOMON holding HIS SON'S TOY. SEE, there is absolutely NO HUMOUR IN THIS.

SOLOMON

Let me warp your child's keepsake into an astute observation about the inevitability of death.

JONATHAN MILLER

That's your motivation? Death is inevitable, so you're just making it happen sooner for a whole bunch of people?

SOLOMON

Pretty much, yeah. You have to be careful with political motivations and war scenarios these days. Much easier to pin stuff on one guy harbouring a vague grudge. Even my name basically says "sole man."

FARUK AL-BASHIR enters and addresses the CAMCORDER.

FARUK AL-BASHIR

You invade our country and dare to call us terrorists? For shame! Now we're going to slit this captured soldier's throat, record it, and distribute the footage, which is a totally non-terrorist thing to do.

JONATHAN MILLER

I was really hoping this particular emotional crutch from the Modern Warfare games could stay where it's at.

SOLOMON slits MILLER'S THROAT.

EXT. IRAN - TWELVE DAYS AGO

BLACKBURN and CAMPO are infiltrating AL-BASHIR'S COMPOUND.

STEVE CAMPO

Do exactly as I say, Blackburn. This area is swarming with soldiers and scripted sequences that'll kill you if you don't pay attention.

AL-BASHIR tries to ESCAPE, but is MORTALLY WOUNDED when he CRASHES his CAR.

STEVE CAMPO

Cover me while I get him on the chopper, Blackburn!

HENRY BLACKBURN

Careful, there's an invisible wall in front of the ramp!

STEVE CAMPO

I know, it'll be lifted for you once everybody else is aboard first. Even your bravery is scripted.

They get AL-BASHIR onto the HELICOPTER. CAMPO INTERROGATES HIM.

FARUK AL-BASHIR

I only wanted to use the nukes as leverage, which must somehow be a commentary on Iran's controversial nuclear program! But Solomon betrayed me and took the nukes for himself!

STEVE CAMPO

The cad! What is he planning?

FARUK AL-BASHIR

Uhh -- why is it raining inside this helicopter?

HENRY BLACKBURN

Just be glad it's not raining helicopters, am I right?

FARUK AL-BASHIR

Oh snap!

(dies)

STEVE CAMPO

Goddamnit, we lost him! Wait, here's his phone. I'll check his recent calls.

(checks list)

Mom, mom, mom, therapist, mom -- aha! Amir Kaffarov, a Russian arms dealer!

EXT. KAFFAROV'S VILLA - FIVE DAYS AGO

BLACKBURN'S SQUAD is headed for KAFFAROV'S VILLA. They are suddenly AMBUSHED by RUSSIAN SOLDIERS.

HENRY BLACKBURN

There's no getting around it now. World War 2 shooters have Nazis, modern warfare shooters have Russians.

COLE assumes command of the SQUAD.

QUINTON COLE

We have to get Kaffarov, so let's keep going. Five -- no, six of your fellow Marines have already died in the time it took me to say that, so you better get to it.

A RUSSIAN FIGHTER JET suddenly strafes the SQUAD and KILLS CAMPO and MATKOVIC before BLACKBURN manages to TAKE IT DOWN.

DAVID MONTES

This is so tragic, I don't even have a snarky comment for it.

QUINTON COLE

Things happen in a war, Marine.

HENRY BLACKBURN

That's your excuse? "Shit happens?"

QUINTON COLE

Now let's go get Kaffarov, everyone! Who's with me? Up high!

Meanwhile...

INT. KAFFAROV'S VILLA

Ignoring all the DRAMA outside, VLADIMIR and DIMA have infiltrated KAFFAROV'S VILLA.

DIMA MAYAKOVSKY

Whoa, didn't I see you die earlier?

VLADIMIR KAMARIVSKY

No, you saw me die later. Nonlinear storytelling, remember? I'm totally pulling a Vincent Vega.

DIMA corners KAFFAROV and beats THE LIVING SNOT out of him.

AMIR KAFFAROV

I sold the nukes to the PLR, but now Solomon is planning to use the two remaining ones to destroy New York and Paris waaah!

DIMA MAYAKOVSKY

So you are living proof that Russia is being set up! It is absolutely vital that you stay living! So I guess I should stop throwing you out of helicopters and beating you to within an inch of your life!

He DOESN'T, INEXPLICABLY. A moment later, BLACKBURN enters.

HENRY BLACKBURN

Hey, you look like that Russian guy from Predators.

(checks IMDB)

Holy shit, you are! That's awesome.

DIMA MAYAKOVSKY

Solomon is trying to instigate a war between the U.S. and Russia by blaming my country for nuking New York and Paris. We can't let that happen, because it's been done a million times before.

HENRY BLACKBURN

You do realise that the multiplayer component of this game plays out that very war, right? So it's going to happen no matter what we do.

DIMA MAYAKOVSKY

Then let's stop the nukes!

HENRY BLACKBURN

Alright, I'll go after the one headed for New York, and you valiantly stop the one in Paris.

DIMA MAYAKOVSKY

Yeah -- about that --

COLE then rushes in and threatens DIMA.

DIMA MAYAKOVSKY

He will shoot me if you don't shoot him.

HENRY BLACKBURN

This is the big moral choice I have to make? Shooting an absolute douchebag who got my buddies killed?

DIMA MAYAKOVSKY

What do you mean, choice?

HENRY BLACKBURN

Urgh.

BLACKBURN shoots COLE in the FACE.

CUT TO:

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM

AGENT GORDON

So you shot Cole in the hopes of circumventing bureaucracy and stopping the third nuke yourself?

HENRY BLACKBURN

And now I've been stuck here talking to you guys for hours on end. Fat lot of good that did me.

AGENT GORDON

We still think you're full of shit. The blast yield matches Russian nuke specs.

HENRY BLACKBURN

But we pulled the remaining nuke from the bank! Surely you can match that one as well!

(beat)

Come on, you're Aaron Fucking Pierce, don't you see?

AGENT GORDON

You think you can Jack Bauer your way out of this? Everyone knows he's always right, because everyone sees what he sees. We have no fucking clue, so we're just going with what's reasonable.

(beat)

Admit it, Sergeant. Didn't Dima set you up so he could escape to Paris and set off the nuke himself? Wasn't that Dima?

HENRY BLACKBURN

Whoa, I'll admit to a certain level of reasonable doubt on your part, but now you're blatantly trying to extract an outright false confession just so you can pin everything on the Russians. It's Solomon!

AGENT GORDON

Solomon is one of ours, Sergeant. He's a CIA asset.

HENRY BLACKBURN

Oh yes, because that instantly makes him a beacon of virtue who wouldn't hurt a fly!

WHISTLER then brings in ONE OF BLACKBURN'S SQUADMATES.

HENRY BLACKBURN

Wait, which one are you?

DAVID MONTES

Man, what the snark is up with this cloak-and-dagger snark?

HENRY BLACKBURN

Montes, right.

When the AGENTS leave, BLACKBURN and MONTES escape by jumping out of a THIRD-STORY WINDOW.

DAVID MONTES

Good thing we knew there'd be a dumpster with a mattress in it right here! Let's go!

EXT. NEW YORK

BLACKBURN and MONTES RUN into the STREETS.

DAVID MONTES

There comes any given subway train! Get on it, Blackburn!

HENRY BLACKBURN

Mind giving me that weapon you took off one of the agents? I'd like to have at least some means of defence.

DAVID MONTES

There'll be a shitload of terrorists on the train. Take one off them!

BLACKBURN boards the TRAIN AGAIN and fights his way to the FRONT CAR AGAIN, where he finds SOLOMON AGAIN.

SOLOMON

Ironically you still have no real idea of who I am or what I represent! But again, gun, face. And no cutting away this time!

HENRY BLACKBURN

Aha! Quicktime event!

SOLOMON

Oh for fuck's sake.

BLACKBURN escapes SOLOMON'S HOLD and grabs SOLOMON'S HENCHMAN.

HENRY BLACKBURN

Now I'm going to push this detonator that your henchman is holding!

SOLOMON

Whoa, what the fuck? You've been incessantly told that I'm using public transport to move the nukes. How do you know that detonator won't set it off?

HENRY BLACKBURN

I guess we'll see! Nuh!

The DETONATOR triggers a SMALLER BOMB which CRASHES the TRAIN.

HENRY BLACKBURN

I totally knew that thing would happen and not the other thing!

SOLOMON escapes into the SEWER. BLACKBURN follows him.

EXT. TIMES SQUARE - NEW YORK

BLACKBURN emerges from the SEWER and sees SOLOMON getting into an SUV with the NUKE.

SOLOMON

Why did I even bother with that subway? I could've just done this in the first place.

MONTES then drives up in a POLICE CAR.

DAVID MONTES

Good thing I knew to stop at this exact sewer grate! Come on, after him!

HENRY BLACKBURN

Why didn't you just run him over? He was right there!

DAVID MONTES

I missed that quicktime event. LET'S GO!

They RACE after SOLOMON and manage to CRASH his CAR. He gets out and SHOOTS MONTES.

HENRY BLACKBURN

Aha! Up to now you were just a generic extremist trying to start an extremely generic war, but now it's personal!

SOLOMON

NUKE YORK!

HENRY BLACKBURN

BRICKTIME EVENT!

BLACKBURN kills SOLOMON with a BRICK to the FACE. He recovers the NUKE and SAVES THE DAY. On the FOLLOWING DAY, the US declares MULTIPLAYER on RUSSIA.

CUT TO:

INT. BUSINESS MEETING - TWO YEARS AGO

PUBLISHER ELECTRONIC ARTS

Right, we absolutely have to beat the next Modern Warfare! Any ideas?

DEVELOPER DICE

We need to give gamers what they want.

PUBLISHER ELECTRONIC ARTS

And what's that?

DEVELOPER DICE

Modern warfare, clearly.

PUBLISHER ELECTRONIC ARTS

Fine. Make that.

DEVELOPER DICE

That's not really what I meant to --

PUBLISHER ELECTRONIC ARTS

Hurry up and get to it! Or I swear I'll have that Syndicate license rebooted as a first-person shooter!

DEVELOPER DICE

Oh God, please don't! Modern warfare, you got it!

DEVELOPER DICE leaves.

PUBLISHER ELECTRONIC ARTS

BWA HA HA HA!

THE END

Further reading: 

Comments

This is gold. My favourite bits: "They are AMBUSHED OH MY GOD!" and "Did you say tank?" And the Syndicate thing at the end. Odd lack of comments around here. Are you not linking out these scripts? They deserve more exposure. Kotaku comes to mind.

SOLOMON NUKE YORK! HENRY BLACKBURN BRICKTIME EVENT! BLACKBURN kills SOLOMON with a BRICK to the FACE. He recovers the NUKE and SAVES THE DAY. On the FOLLOWING DAY, the US declares MULTIPLAYER on RUSSIA. This is the funniest thing I have ever read.

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