FADE IN:

EXT. AFGHANISTAN - DAY

For no other reason than to be somewhat topical and relevant, we start in AFGHANISTAN with an obligatory TRAINING SECTION. DEVELOPER INFINITY WARD throws a DART at a LIST OF PLAYER CHARACTERS and it lands on PRIVATE ALLEN.

PRIVATE ALLEN

We’re now actually naming the Middle-Eastern country we’re in? Whew, I don’t have to worry about dying from a nuclear blast.

SERGEANT FOLEY

Private Allen, show these indigenous soldiers the superiority of the American way by aiming down your sights.

PRIVATE ALLEN

What if I don't want to?

SERGEANT FOLEY

Nothing is going to happen until you do as you're told.

PRIVATE ALLEN

Ah, good to see we're still adhering to the strict level of trigger-based linearity the Call of Duty series has come to be known for.

SERGEANT FOLEY

(chuckles)

Oh, you just wait.

PRIVATE ALLEN

What's that supposed to mean?

SERGEANT FOLEY

Nothing. Mount up!

SERGEANT FOLEY leads his squad into an AFGHAN CITY to kill MILITANTS until they die from it. PRIVATE ALLEN excels in blindly following orders and takes the notice of GENERAL SHEPHERD.

GENERAL SHEPHERD

Private Allen, I am recruiting you into Task Force 141. Your job will be to go undercover and infiltrate an extremely dangerous terrorist group led by one Vladimir Makarov. You will earn his trust and work alongside him while gathering intelligence.

PRIVATE ALLEN

Uhm, please be kidding. I'm a grunt. My only method of communication is through a gun. Such undercover operations are carried out by highly trained professionals who have the endurance and psychological faculty to project and maintain a secondary identity. I don't even speak any Russian.

GENERAL SHEPHERD

Oh, don't worry. You don't need to speak at all for this sort of thing. But you apparently do need a giant tattoo across your chest.

Meanwhile...

EXT. KAZAKHSTAN MOUNTAIN RANGE - DAY

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH and GARY “ROACH” SANDERSON are perched over a steep-as-fuck DROP on a narrow-as-fuck LEDGE made entirely out of slippery-as-fuck ICE.

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

Break’s over, Roach. Let's go.

ROACH

This was a break? Mother of God, I’ve withered my fingers to the bone holding on for dear life!

They clamber up an ICE WALL, reenact a ridiculous scene from the movie VERTICAL LIMIT and then infiltrate an airbase occupied by ENEMY SOLDIERS to retrieve part of a CRASHED SATELLITE. ROACH bumbles around like an IDIOT and is SHOT REPEATEDLY.

ROACH

Oh God, their guns shoot strawberry jam! IT’S IN MY EYES!

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

I think that's blood. Just go sit in a corner and wait for it to ooze off.

Then, CAPTAIN MACTAVISH' HAT flies off. ROACH starts LAUGHING UNCONTROLLABLY.

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

What? Is it the mohawk?

ROACH

It's not the mohawk. It's your -- accent.

(beat)

Okay, it's totally the mohawk. What the hell, dude? You think you're a World War 2 paratrooper or something?

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

Look, they wanted to give me a distinguishing visual characteristic, and a fucking mohawk's the best they could come up with.

They find the SATELLITE stored in a hangar adjacent to a LAB where its ACS MODULE was analyzed.

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

Roach, go get the ACS module. It'll be whatever's glowing bright yellow.

ROACH

Wait a second. The Russians took this satellite and emulated its technology specifically to avoid the U.S.' tracking systems and facilitate an invasion of its capital. But there are no grounds for hostilities unless, God forbid, some nutter soon plans to frame an American in a terrorist attack on Russian soil. So is Russia itself preparing an invasion regardless of any provocation?

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

Uhh -- you see -- the thing is -- oh hey, snowmobiles!

ROACH

Snowmobiles? Awesome! Let’s spit physics in the face and make ludicrous jumps down steep hills and across gorges!

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

You can ride them one-handed while accurately firing a gun as well!

ROACH

Can I reload using only one hand?

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

You can do anything as long as you look cool while doing it!

All of this HAPPENS. Then DEVELOPER INFINITY WARD forgets he just opened everybody’s ADRENAL GLANDS and cuts straight to the most IMPACTFUL SCENE IN THE GAME.

INT. ZAKHAEV AIRPORT - DAY

VLADIMIR MAKAROV and his MEN are about to seriously FUCK SHIT UP.

VLADIMIR MAKAROV

Remember, no Russian. I'm looking at you, new guy I seemingly trust.

PRIVATE ALLEN

Good thing I don't speak any Russian to begin with! So, there must be a reason we're in an elevator at a public airport wearing body armour and carrying a shitload of heavy weapons. I mean, a reason I haven't already inferred from all the pre-release hooplah surrounding this scene.

The elevator doors open to a CONCOURSE filled to the brim with INNOCENT CIVILIANS. Even though they have PUPPY-DOG EYES and show pictures of their LOVED ONES, they are all brutally KILLED without pause or regard.

VLADIMIR MAKAROV

Hey everybody! The new guy just killed three cops with one grenade! Mad props!

PRIVATE ALLEN

Oh God, this is horrible!

DEVELOPER INFINITY WARD

We want you to feel the gut-wrenching conflict of a man forced to perform reprehensible and inhumane acts in order to maybe avert some greater threat which will end up happening anyway.

PRIVATE ALLEN

Yeah, I’m not really feeling conflicted since I know any effort I take to stop this massacre from happening results in a game over scenario. Now I know what Sergeant Foley meant. He would scoff at you guys for firing from the hip, by the way. You're spraying bullets everywhere.

VLADIMIR MAKAROV

Sergeant Foley? We have an American traitor in our midst! Kill him!

PRIVATE ALLEN is SHOT in the FACE. VLADIMIR MAKAROV drives off in an ambulance which for some reason isn’t stopped by the POLICE TROOPS swarming into the airport.

EXT. RIO DE JANEIRO - DAY

By tracing back the SHELL CASINGS from VLADIMIR MAKAROV’s attack, TASK FORCE 141 finds a possible connection in an ARMS DEALER who is randomly BRAZILIAN.

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

What the fuck are we doing in Brazil all of a sudden?

GENERAL SHEPHERD

The developer really wanted a level set in a favela. Err -- I mean you’re tracking down a lead that is only required to set up the next plot point.

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

Those two seem kinda related.

ROACH

If there’s anything I’ve learned so far, it’s that we can’t question orders. LET’S GO! HURRRRR!

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

Okay, just don't shoot the arms dealer. I feel like tackling him off a terrace and piledriving him onto a car roof.

This predictably HAPPENS. The ARMS DEALER is then TORTURED because FUCK THAT GUY.

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

Nikolai, we're about to run through the favela while being shot at from fucking everywhere. Meet us at the end.

NIKOLAI

I've got a helicopter ready.

TASK FORCE 141 then spends much more time escaping the FAVELA. So much so that it gets its own LEVEL.

EXT. NORTHEASTERN VIRGINIA - EVENING

VLADIMIR MAKAROV’s terrorist attack leads to a RETALIATORY INVASION of the UNITED STATES. The RUSSIANS choose a BURGER TOWN as their primary point of attack, hitting AMERICA where it hurts. SERGEANT FOLEY and his squad are ordered to repel the attack, but they are all just STANDING AROUND LIKE HUMAN STATUES until PRIVATE RAMIREZ walks up to them.

PRIVATE RAMIREZ

What's going on here?

SERGEANT FOLEY

He's here! Okay guys, just like we rehearsed.

They begin their routine as PRIVATE RAMIREZ approaches.

SERGEANT FOLEY

Ramirez, go kill that guy operating a UAV! Ramirez, protect me while I carry this nameless dignitary who might be the President! Ramirez, take down that helicopter using a Stinger! Ramirez, run into the middle of enemy fire and retrieve that live grenade!

PRIVATE RAMIREZ

Alright. Wait, what?

SERGEANT FOLEY

Okay, that last one was a joke. But you were totally ready to do it!

PRIVATE RAMIREZ

Why the hell do I have to do everything anyway?

SERGEANT FOLEY

Hey, I'm being voiced by Keith David, I can't take any risks. Who's voicing you?

PRIVATE RAMIREZ

(embarrassed)

No one.

SERGEANT FOLEY

There you go.

They push through a SUBURB where RUSSIAN SOLDIERS are occupying people’s houses so they can RAID THEIR FRIDGES.

GENERAL SHEPHERD

Sergeant Foley, your orders are to go to some important guy’s house and extract him safely from his panic room.

At the target house, they find the guy DEAD next to a MYSTERIOUS BRIEFCASE.

PRIVATE RAMIREZ

Hmm, this is all very intriguing and suspicious. I wonder what the ramifications of this are.

DEVELOPER INFINITY WARD

Nothing, basically. We’re going to leave this plot thread dangling and move on to another one.

And sure enough...

INT. RUSSIAN GULAG - DAY

TASK FORCE 141 learns that VLADIMIR MAKAROV was bullied in high school, so they extract the bully from a RUSSIAN GULAG to draw him out. It turns out to be CAPTAIN PRICE, which comes as NO SURPRISE, because his VOICE ACTOR had already mentioned his involvement.

CAPTAIN PRICE

I've been imprisoned here for five years. Give me a second to recover my sanity.

(beat)

Okay, I'm good. Now I'd like to commandeer a Russian nuclear submarine.

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

What for?

CAPTAIN PRICE

Not telling. It's a surprise.

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

Good enough for me. Let's go!

EXT. SUBMARINE BASE - DAY

CAPTAIN PRICE leads ROACH through a SNOWY FOREST, copying everything from THAT ONE SNIPER MISSION IN THE PREVIOUS GAME.

CAPTAIN PRICE

Soap, follow me.

ROACH

Soap? Who the hell is that?

CAPTAIN PRICE

Sorry, Roach. You guys change around so often, it's hard to keep track.

They infiltrate the BASE by blowing up EVERYTHING. CAPTAIN PRICE works his way into the SUBMARINE.

CAPTAIN PRICE

Now I'm going to launch a nuke at Washington D.C., which I can apparently do all by myself without any higher authority signing off on it. The Russian nuclear capability is clearly being managed by a bunch of morons.

ROACH

Okay, this is starting to make less and less sense.

DEVELOPER INFINITY WARD

Well, basically we all submitted one cool set piece we wanted to see in the game and then we strung those together into a disjointed and nonsensical plot. Time for the nuke part!

CAPTAIN PRICE pushes a BIG RED BUTTON and launches a NUCLEAR MISSILE.

EXT. WASHINGTON D.C. - NIGHT

The NUKE is detonated in the SKY because of CAPTAIN PRICE'S SHEER BADASSERY. Its EMP BLAST disables all electronic equipment in WASHINGTON D.C., which causes A FUCKING RAIN OF HELICOPTERS.

PRIVATE RAMIREZ

(dodging helicopters)

An EMP blast? At what point did we start channelling a Tom Clancy novel?

SERGEANT FOLEY

Right around the time we pigeonholed Russians as the enemy, I should think.

SERGEANT FOLEY spots a group of SILHOUETTES in the distance.

SERGEANT FOLEY

Speaking of enemies, who are those guys up ahead? I can't tell through the arbitrary rain.

PRIVATE RAMIREZ

I don't see any names popping up when I hover my crosshair over them.

SERGEANT FOLEY

I guess they’re not friendlies then. I'm still going to toss this flare at them and give away our position along with the element of surprise.

After shooting their way through the onslaught of RUSSIAN SOLDIERS, SERGEANT FOLEY and his squad arrive at the WHITE HOUSE, another WASHINGTON LANDMARK desecrated by a team of LEVEL DESIGNERS.

INT. WHITE HOUSE - NIGHT

PRIVATE RAMIREZ must race to the roof of the WHITE HOUSE and set off GREEN FLARES to stop the AIR FORCE from bombing the living fuck out of WASHINGTON D.C.

PRIVATE RAMIREZ

Is it just me or are we acting out the ending to The Rock? I also somehow recall a firefight in a prison shower room, even though I wasn't in that particular scene.

SERGEANT FOLEY

If it’s this game’s unyielding goal to be like a movie, it might as well be a Michael Bay one if the themes are jingoistic militarism and explosions.

PRIVATE RAMIREZ

I'm sure that's why I'm hearing every Hans Zimmer soundtrack ever being mixed together. In any case, I'm glad I survived. If the last game taught me anything, it's that you don't want to be an American in an Infinity Ward game.

Another RANGER lights his flares right before PRIVATE RAMIREZ does and TOTALLY STEALS HIS THUNDER.

BOMBER PILOT

I got green smoke, I got green smoke!

In a sudden and jarring change, NOTHING EXPLODES. All is right again in AMERICA, even though the ENTIRE EAST COAST is BLACKED OUT and anyone with a PACEMAKER is pretty much FUCKED.

EXT. MAKAROV'S SAFEHOUSE - DAY

ROACH raids VLADIMIR MAKAROV’S SAFEHOUSE alongside soldiers with callsigns such as GHOST, REAPER and HITMAN.

ROACH

(insanely jealous)

Oh man, these guys have such badass callsigns. How the fuck did I get Roach?

GHOST

Maybe it's because you just won't die.

After a series of COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY BREACHES, they find MAKAROV’s personal computer.

GHOST

Makarov’s got loads of files here. We’ll copy them onto a DSM drive.

ROACH

Can’t we just pull the hard drive? Or take the computer itself even?

GHOST

No, we need to draw this out long enough to allow for an endless wave of enemies to come bearing down on us.

ROACH

Of course we do.

After defending the SAFEHOUSE and frantically bolting through a field littered with enemies, ROACH and GHOST make it to GENERAL SHEPHERD’S HELICOPTER.

GENERAL SHEPHERD

Good work. Now I'm going to shoot you both.

(he does)

ROACH

Ow, what the fuck? I must've died countless times on my way over here. What makes this death different from all the others?

GENERAL SHEPHERD

Drama, basically. How else can we emphasise my betrayal?

ROACH

Whatever. This game constantly switches protagonists so there’s really no point in forming an emotional bond.

MELANCHOLY VIOLIN MUSIC swells as ROACH is burned alive in a very DRAMATIC WAY.

EXT. AIRCRAFT BONEYARD – DAY

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH and CAPTAIN PRICE need to regroup after being separated.

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

Shepherd betrayed us!

CAPTAIN PRICE

Have to trust someone to be betrayed. I never did.

(beat)

Nikolai, I trust you completely. Pick a vehicle from your apparently vast inventory and come save us. Preferably one we can drive a jeep into. I'm also going to trust the man we’ve been made to hate and enlist his help. Hello, Makarov?

VLADIMIR MAKAROV

Huh, I thought I wasn’t in the game anymore.

CAPTAIN PRICE

You’ve been bumped for a new villain. If you tell us where he is, we’ll kill him for you.

VLADIMIR MAKAROV

Shepherd is hiding out in a cave in Afghanistan. I'll see you in hell, Price.

CAPTAIN PRICE

Really? That's the cliché you want to leave us off with? “I’ll see you in hell?"

VLADIMIR MAKAROV

All my best lines were used in the trailers.

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH gets into a JEEP and is then forced to steer it when the DRIVER is SHOT and RAGDOLLS onto the ACCELERATOR. After getting into a DEMOLITION DERBY, he and CAPTAIN PRICE escape.

EXT. CAVE SYSTEM - DAY

CAPTAIN PRICE and CAPTAIN MACTAVISH are on a SUICIDE MISSION to kill GENERAL SHEPHERD for being a SELFISH DOUCHEBAG.

CAPTAIN PRICE

Soap, do exactly as I say.

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

Just like old times.

They infiltrate a cave and OWN THE SNOT out of an entire company of soldiers. GENERAL SHEPHERD locks himself inside the CONTROL ROOM.

CAPTAIN PRICE

Soap, place a slow motion charge on the door.

They BREACH the room and use the power of SLOW MOTION to get the drop on the soldiers inside.

CAPTAIN PRICE

Hack the door panel, Soap! We need to get out of here!

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

I don't know how to hack computers.

CAPTAIN PRICE

Just press the Use key.

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

Oh hey, that did it.

They run after GENERAL SHEPHERD, who demonstrates more of his DICKISHNESS by BOMBING HIS OWN MEN. He then escapes on a ZODIAC. CAPTAIN PRICE and CAPTAIN MACTAVISH give chase in another ZODIAC which was conveniently left for them. GENERAL SHEPHERD then drives straight into the back of a HELICOPTER. PLAUSIBILITY misses the hatch and goes over A WATERFALL.

CAPTAIN PRICE

Hold the Zodiac steady!

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

Right, you've been accurately shooting people in the head when we were constantly swerving at 100mph, but now that you've got to hit a giant helicopter, you'd like me to steady the boat.

Instead of flying off immediately, the HELICOPTER chooses to politely hover right in front of CAPTAIN PRICE’s gun barrel. He manages to shoot it down with A SINGLE BULLET because he is AWESOME. Then their own ZODIAC goes over the WATERFALL as well.

EXT. OIL YARD - DAY

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH recovers from the fall and stumbles after GENERAL SHEPHERD.

GENERAL SHEPHERD

You know what they say about revenge. You better be ready to dig two graves.

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

Thanks for blatantly stating the point which all the events leading up to this point have been making in a contrived and crass manner.

GENERAL SHEPHERD

Even though I am an old man and you just effortlessly wiped out my entire company, I’m now going to best you in hand-to-hand combat.

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

I guess I'm only a badass when I'm an NPC.

GENERAL SHEPHERD

Maybe it's the fact that you're horribly injured from going over the waterfall?

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

So? You were in a goddamn helicopter crash! Don't those two sort of cancel each other out?

GENERAL SHEPHERD

Just shut up and get closer already so I can stab you.

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH is indeed STABBED.

GENERAL SHEPHERD

There we go. Now just lie there and allow me to elaborate on my motivations whilst I prepare to kill you.

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

Don't bother. I've already been beaten over the head by the dangers of blind patriotism through all those death quotes.

CAPTAIN PRICE intervenes but is EQUALLY PUMMELLED by GENERAL SHEPHERD.

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH

Captain Price! I am powerless to help you!

CAPTAIN PRICE

Remember -- what I taught you -- about hacking!

CAPTAIN MACTAVISH repeatedly mashes the USE KEY and hacks his way into GENERAL SHEPHERD'S LEFT EYE SOCKET.

GENERAL SHEPHERD

OMG HAX!

(dies)

The game ENDS, but then DOESN'T. NIKOLAI, who had a spare HELICOPTER flying around, comes and saves CAPTAIN PRICE and CAPTAIN MACTAVISH so they can feature in the NEXT GAME.

DEVELOPER INFINITY WARD

Damn right. This game has beaten all sales records. We've now proven we could make Modern Warfare 3: Kitten Stomper and it would still sell.

GAMERS around the world continue NOT CARING and play some MULTIPLAYER.

THE END