FADE IN:

INT. THE VAULT - 2025

A 95-YEAR OLD FRANK WOODS is visited by DAVID MASON and MIKE HARPER, who are both members of SEAL TEAM SIX.

FRANK WOODS

Oh Christ, I'm still alive? They couldn't let me go out with some dignity, could they? I had such a nice heroic sacrificial death in Black Ops, and now instead I have joint pains when it's humid and a bladder the size of a peanut.

DAVID MASON

Sorry, but we needed some way to introduce yet another flashback plot structure.

MIKE HARPER

We're looking for a terrorist named Raul Menendez, who I will now compare to Osama bin Laden for reasons that will become unfavourably ironic later on.

DAVID MASON

Tell us everything you know while we desperately try to ignore the old man smell.

FRANK WOODS

Would you like me to retroactively insert a deniable American presence into a lot of historical skirmishes to justify the fact that we're still calling this game "Black Ops?"

DAVID MASON

Please do. And if you could also occasionally emphasise the contrast between your analog past and our digital future, that'd be great.

And so...

EXT. ALASKA - 1986

ALEX MASON is teaching a young DAVID to NOT BE SUCH A GODDAMN PUSSY.

ALEX MASON

More teeth-gritting, David! Otherwise you'll never grow up to be a soldier!

DAVID MASON

(under his breath)

I hate you.

ALEX MASON

No murmuring your lines! Either growl or shout them!

DAVID MASON

I'm just trying to work a broken family dynamic into the storyline.

ALEX MASON

You stop that right this minute! Medal of Honor: Warfighter tried that too and look how that turned out.

CIA AGENT JASON HUDSON and OLIVER NORTH suddenly show up to DO THAT THING WHERE THEY PULL THE SELF-EXILED SOLDIER BACK OUT OF RETIREMENT FOR ONE LAST MISSION FOLLOWED BY SEVERAL MORE.

ALEX MASON

Holy shit, you're the actual Oliver North.

OLIVER NORTH

Yeah, but it's a good couple of months before my involvement in Contragate comes to light, so we're good. Alex, we need your help. We've received word that Frank Woods went missing in Angola of all places. He's in mortal peril, though not really since he's narrating this flashback.

ALEX MASON

Wait, I thought Woods got blown up by Kravchenko in the previous game?

OLIVER NORTH

If you had bothered to uncover the hidden intel files, you would've known that he survived.

ALEX MASON

I did, but that intel also mentioned that me and Hudson were disavowed and being hunted down by the CIA, so I figured we were insultingly disregarding all that.

OLIVER NORTH

We're only disregarding that part. Oh, and also the part where you killed President Kennedy maybe.

ALEX MASON

That's even worse, now you're trying to respect the lore by picking and choosing from it. It sure doesn't bode well that we're building this fast and loose on top of a storyline that was already a jumbled mess to begin with.

JASON HUDSON

Don't worry, I'm sure there's nothing else that will screw up the continuity. By the way, I'm voiced by Michael Keaton instead of Ed Harris now. They sound absolutely nothing alike.

ALEX MASON

If only they'd changed my voice actor too. I really don't think I'm supposed to be Australian.

ALEX and HUDSON head for ANGOLA, leaving DAVID to POUT.

EXT. ANGOLA - 1986

ALEX is introduced to ANGOLAN WARLORD JONAS SAVIMBI by watching A GUY BURN TO DEATH OH THE HORROR.

ALEX MASON

Holy shit, you're the actual Jonas Savimbi. Are you included for the sake of being included as well?

JONAS SAVIMBI

No, I actually get to point you somewhere too! I'll help you find Woods as soon as you help me out with some ethnic cleansing. If you want to know what side of this conflict you're on, go check Wikipedia or something.

After killing a bunch of GODLESS COMMIES, ALEX is told that WOODS is being held on a BARGE. He and HUDSON go after it by HELICOPTER.

JASON HUDSON

There's the barge! Get ready, we're about to be shot down obviously!

ALEX MASON

Has anyone ever actually managed to just land a helicopter in a Call of Duty game?

They CRASH onto the BARGE and find an EMACIATED WOODS in a CONTAINER FULL OF BODIES.

FRANK WOODS

Nooo, my manly pectorals have withered away! Those bastards will pay!

JASON HUDSON

Alex, I'll take care of Woods. You infiltrate the village up ahead and radio for evac. And if you see any child soldiers, be sure to express silent horror about it.

ALEX heads into the VILLAGE and enters a RADIO SHACK (NO, NOT THAT ONE), where he puts a gun to the OPERATOR'S HEAD.

ALEX MASON

Whoa, your face has a lot of polygons in it. I suppose that means you're important to the plot. That, and the fact that I didn't immediately garrote you, which is my usual modus operandi when sneaking up on radio operators.

RAUL MENENDEZ

I'm Raul Menendez and I basically am the plot. Half my backstory was already exposited in the movie that plays before the main menu opens.

ALEX MASON

Oh, I think I missed that. They really shouldn't have made it part of the introductory logos. Everybody hammers away at the space bar to skip those.

After a brief STRUGGLE, ALEX shoots MENENDEZ in the FACE and heads back to HUDSON and WOODS.

ALEX MASON

I'm pretty sure none of what just happened will come back to bite me in the ass.

JASON HUDSON

Let's just make a run for the beach and hope that some deus ex machina will rescue us!

A RUSSIAN HIND piloted by JONAS SAVIMBI arrives to EXTRACT THEM.

JONAS SAVIMBI

Hah! They did find another use for me!

INT. THE VAULT - 2025

FRANK WOODS

So now Raul Menendez is the leader of Cordis Die, which is a crowdsourced social network that thinks Menendez is championing the 99%, which he's turned against the U.S. government by making it seem like they were responsible for crippling the Chinese stock market with a cyber attack, which has started a new Cold War between the two superpowers, which China is fighting by halting the export of rare earth elements, which are used in the production of military drones, which means --

DAVID MASON

Jesus fuck, stop! Is Menendez making a point of it to include every headlining theme in his plot so everyone will say "it makes you think?"

FRANK WOODS

Pretty much. Also, why are you all acting like you're hearing this for the first time? A sequestered nonagenarian cannot possibly be more up-to-date than the U.S. intelligence community.

DAVID MASON

Let's just get to the first futuristic mission so everyone will wonder where exactly it fits in the chain of events.

EXT. MYANMAR - 2025

DAVID and HARPER are reconnoitering MENENDEZ'S BASE while CASUALLY DANGLING over a SHEER DROP, because lying prone on a HILLSIDE just ISN'T BADASS ENOUGH.

MIKE HARPER

Let's use our nanogloves to swing along the cliffside, then deploy our wingsuits so we can fly over to the base.

DAVID MASON

Okay, I get it, it's the future. Let's ease up on the nifty gadgets.

MIKE HARPER

Oh look, these Cordis Die members have invisibility cloaks! Let's use our EMP grenades against them!

DAVID MASON

That's some pretty expensive equipment for people who think they're representing the disadvantaged.

They enter the BASE and find ERIC BREIGHNER locked up in what looks like A KENNEL FROM THE FUTURE.

ERIC BREIGHNER

I developed a device called Celerium for Menendez. It basically allows him to do whatever the plot requires, as long as it involves computers. So obviously you must now get me out of here alive in a tedious escort mission.

DAVID MASON

But you just made a big show of handing me a sample of Celerium. We have all we need now.

ERIC BREIGHNER

Wait, there's also some stuff about a cyber weapon called Karma and --

ERIC is SHOT in the NECK. DAVID fights his way to the EXIT, where he meets ADMIRAL BRIGGS.

ADMIRAL BRIGGS

Great work, Mason. You'll note that I am voiced by Tony Todd, which will make everything I say come across as needlessly intense.

INT. U.S.S. BARACK OBAMA

Once aboard the AIRCRAFT CARRIER U.S.S. BARACK OBAMA, DAVID speaks with JAVIER SALAZAR, another member of SEAL TEAM SIX.

DAVID MASON

Salazar, you grew up in Nicaragua, which is a fact I'm sure you're conscious of. Why does Menendez hate America so much?

JAVIER SALAZAR

Seriously? You never opened a history book?

DAVID MASON

Just bottomline it for me.

JAVIER SALAZAR

First of all, his country was terrorised by the Contras.

OLIVER NORTH

My bad! That's my bad.

JAVIER SALAZAR

Then his sister Josefina was crippled in a warehouse fire that an American started for the insurance claim.

DAVID MASON

A personal tragedy, of course.

JAVIER SALAZAR

He later got involved in drug trafficking with his father, who was then killed by the CIA.

DAVID MASON

I suppose all that must make you pretty sympathetic to his cause.

JAVIER SALAZAR

Dude totally not no way honest I swear go America stars and stripes wooh.

DAVID MASON

And then he started running guns in Afghanistan, which probably means it's time for another flashback.

EXT. AFGHANISTAN - 1986

ALEX, WOODS and HUDSON meet up with MULLAH RAHMAAN, leader of the MUJAHIDEEN. Also, the CHINESE are there to make things EVEN MORE CONVOLUTED.

MULLAH RAHMAAN

I will tell you where to find Menendez as soon as you help me fight off the Russian attack. I know that's the exact same conditional mission setup as Angola, but honestly, who cares?

ALEX MASON

Just when I was starting to think we had a Call of Duty game where we didn't fight Russians for a change.

FRANK WOODS

Yes, but this time we get to fight them on horseback! How novel!

ALEX MASON

But how will we reload our weapons with only one free hand?

FRANK WOODS

Just lower your gun until it's offscreen for a moment and make clicking noises. That always seems to do the trick.

ALEX fends off the RUSSIAN ATTACK. He disables the LAST TANK by pulling an INDIANA JONES. LEV KRAVCHENKO crawls out of the HATCH.

ALEX MASON

Kravchenko? Jesus, did nobody actually die in the previous game?

KRAVCHENKO is taken back to RAHMAAN'S CAVE for INTERROGATION.

FRANK WOODS

We need information on Menendez, so obviously we're going to torture you. It's like saying hello in these games.

LEV KRAVCHENKO

You can't stop Menendez. He even has people in the CIA.

JASON HUDSON

I will immediately overreact and call bullshit on that to make myself seem as suspicious as possible!

FRANK WOODS

It should be very interesting and revealing to pursue that line of questioning further, but I think I'll just shoot you instead for no reason.

LEV KRAVCHENKO

I'm so glad I was brought back from the dead only to be killed again after two minutes.

WOODS kills KRAVCHENKO, after which RAHMAAN takes everyone CAPTIVE.

ALEX MASON

But we helped you fight the Russians! On horses!

MULLAH RAHMAAN

No, you are the true enemy! While this could be an interesting commentary on America's later neglect of Afghanistan creating a power vacuum for the Taliban, I'm going to undermine that and explicitly mention that I'm in Menendez's pocket instead!

ALEX MASON

But Kravchenko just mentioned that Menendez is also in league with the Russians!

MULLAH RAHMAAN

Quick, choke him out before he makes any more sense!

RAHMAAN leaves ALEX, WOODS and HUDSON for dead in the DESERT. Later, VIKTOR REZNOV shows up because WHY NOT.

FRANK WOODS (V.O.)

Alex swears we were rescued by Viktor Reznov, but I suspect he was just there to conveniently avoid having to explain how we were actually saved.

INT. U.S.S. BARACK OBAMA - 2025

DAVID is hanging out on the U.S.S. BARACK OBAMA.

ADMIRAL BRIGGS

Mason, I have a special set of Strike Force missions for you. They're designed to break up the monotony of first-person shooting by being played from a bird's-eye view.

DAVID MASON

Oh, kind of like the AC-130 mission from the first Modern Warfare? That was boss!

ADMIRAL BRIGGS

No, more like a real-time strategy game with shitty AI, which ironically makes it more efficient to just directly control one of the soldiers and play the missions like shooters.

DAVID MASON

And they couldn't think of anything better to call them than Strike Force? Sounds like one of those straight-to-DVD Steven Seagal movies.

MASON grinds his way through ALL THE STRIKE FORCE MISSIONS, which ensures CHINA'S SUPPORT.

EXT. NICARAGUA - 1986

ALEX, HUDSON and WOODS are crouching on a HILLSIDE overlooking MENENDEZ'S VILLA. BACK THEN, they couldn't CASUALLY DANGLE OVER A SHEER DROP, they had to be BADASS without all that FANCY TECH like you WHIPPER SNAPPERS have. MANUEL NORIEGA appears.

ALEX MASON

Holy shit, you're the actual oh fuck it I'm not surprised at this type of thing anymore.

MANUEL NORIEGA

Can I backstab somebody yet? The day's not complete unless you've stabbed someone in the back, I always say.

MENENDEZ, who is tending to his SISTER JOSEFINA, is GRABBED by NORIEGA'S MEN.

ALEX MASON

So now we just wait for Menendez to be delivered to us?

JASON HUDSON

And not have any shooting? Don't be ridiculous, let's get down there and fuck shit up!

MANUEL NORIEGA

I'll be right here if you need me to play both sides or whatever!

ALEX, WOODS and HUDSON head for the VILLA, leaving NORIEGA to betray his MEN and FREE MENENDEZ.

RAUL MENENDEZ

Wait, I'm a player character now? How about I just sit here and do nothing. Save everyone a lot of trouble later on.

MANUEL NORIEGA

I think your sister is in trouble.

RAUL MENENDEZ

RAAAARRGGHH I WILL KILL THE WORLD!

MENENDEZ suddenly turns into SERIOUS SAM and murders his way past ALL THE SOLDIERS. Outside JOSEFINA'S ROOM, he sees ALEX and WOODS.

FRANK WOODS

IRRATIONAL ANGER GRENADE!

WOODS tosses a GRENADE, which bounces into JOSEFINA'S ROOM. MENENDEZ dives for it, but it EXPLODES.

ALEX MASON

Okay, now you and I have both killed him once without looking at the body afterwards. If we add those two up, that should do it and actually kill him.

INT. THE VAULT - 2025

FRANK WOODS

But no, he lived and took up with Noriega.

DAVID MASON

Okay, I've heard enough. Where is Menendez?

FRANK WOODS

He was just here to hand me this pendant. I'm surprised you didn't pass him on your way in.

DAVID MASON

What? Why didn't you say that to begin with?

FRANK WOODS

I get so lonely in here! I don't have anyone to talk to! I thought someone finally wanted to listen to my stories!

EXT. COLOSSUS RESORT - 2025

By following A CLUE OF SORTS, DAVID, HARPER and SALAZAR track KARMA to a LUXURY RESORT in the CAYMAN ISLANDS.

JAVIER SALAZAR

So this is how the 1% live. Uhh, which is totally fine no resentment or anything hey go team.

When entering a NIGHTCLUB, they discover that KARMA is actually a WOMAN named CHLOE LYNCH.

CHLOE LYNCH

I'm a female hacker with edge and attitude. According to popular culture, that means I need a face full of piercings and a pixie cut mohawk.

DAVID MASON

Sorry, what? I can't hear you over this blaring dubstep. The DJ must be streaming every recent game trailer.

MENENDEZ'S MEN then arrive and KIDNAP CHLOE. One of them SHOOTS THE DJ, which makes him ODDLY LIKEABLE.

DAVID MASON

Hurry up! We have to get to her, whatever it takes!

MIKE HARPER

I know! She's the only one who knows how to stop Celerium!

DAVID MASON

That too, but I really want to avoid the Strike Force mission that I have to complete if we fail here!

DAVID manages to RETRIEVE CHLOE THANK FUCK.

EXT. PANAMA - 1989

ANOTHER FLASHBACK shows ALEX and WOODS on a MISSION to CAPTURE NORIEGA. They find him holed up in a HOTEL ROOM.

FRANK WOODS

Let's get him out of here quickly. His infinite expression of smug self-satisfaction is a bit more pronounced than usual. He's probably found another back to stab.

MANUEL NORIEGA

Yes! Call Hudson, he'll tell you the mission has changed.

JASON HUDSON

Alex, the mission has changed. The fact that Noriega knew about this before you did shouldn't worry you in the slightest. Bring Noriega to the army checkpoint for a prisoner exchange. Also, give him a weapon.

ALEX MASON

Alright, but I'm going to make a point of it to give him an unloaded one.

After ALEX and WOODS get SEPARATED, WOODS escorts NORIEGA to the ARMY CHECKPOINT. NORIEGA shoots THE ONE SOLDIER THERE.

FRANK WOODS

What the fuck? Did you just pull a bullet out of your ass?

JASON HUDSON

Woods, the other prisoner is Raul Menendez. You have to kill him with that heavy sniper rifle which somehow sounds like a tambourine when you fire it.

WOODS shoots the PRISONER in a NON-LETHAL AREA because OBVIOUSNESS. He then finds out that it was ALEX. MENENDEZ shows up and KNEECAPS WOODS.

JASON HUDSON

I had no choice. He kidnapped David!

RAUL MENENDEZ

Now one more must die! Growl!

JASON HUDSON

Woods, I can't. I've got two kids.

FRANK WOODS

You mentioned your loved ones! That's a death sentence right there!

JASON HUDSON

Goddamnit. Alright, just get it over with.

MENENDEZ first KNEECAPS HUDSON and then CUTS HIS THROAT with his ABSURDLY SHARP PENDANT. He then turns to DAVID.

RAUL MENENDEZ

David, in the event that you grow up to be a soldier who will then be sent after me, I want you to remember this pendant.

DAVID MASON

I'm so emotionally scarred right now.

FRANK WOODS

So now you've taken your revenge on those who've wronged you. That's it, right?

RAUL MENENDEZ

I could call it a day. Or I could also hatch a scheme over the next thirty years to kill millions more out of spite. Y'know, just sayin'. It's an option.

EXT. YEMEN - 2025

HARPER is guiding FARID, an UNDERCOVER OPERATIVE who has INFILTRATED CORDIS DIE.

RAUL MENENDEZ

The Americans know I'm here. It seems we have a traitor in our midst.

FARID

P-p-please don't suspect me, even though I'm u-u-uttering all my lines as conspicuously n-n-nervous as possible!

The COMPOUND is then attacked by SEAL TEAM SIX. MENENDEZ shoots down HARPER'S VTOL because it was IN THE AIR FOR MORE THAN TEN SECONDS. HARPER is DRAGGED from the WRECKAGE.

RAUL MENENDEZ

Prove your loyalty to me, Farid! Shoot him! Oooor don't!

FARID

Wait, I'm being given an actual choice? The only choice in all Call of Duty games so far has been not to play them.

MIKE HARPER

Phah, I'm not worried! I feature heavily in the trailers that show the Los Angeles section of this game, so I know I'm going to survive this. Gun's probably empty.

FARID

That would be very clichéd, but it's not like we can expect any different.

FARID pulls the TRIGGER and a BULLET actually comes out of the GUN and KILLS HARPER!

FARID

Holy fuck! Now I have to express actual grief!

DAVID shows up and manages to CAPTURE MENENDEZ.

RAUL MENENDEZ

Oh heavens, I've been captured. Woe is me. Better put the cuffs on me and all that jazz.

INT. U.S.S. BARACK OBAMA - 2025

DAVID escorts MENENDEZ to the U.S.S. BARACK OBAMA, where they are met by SECRETARY OF DEFENSE DAVID PETRAEUS.

DAVID MASON

Holy shit, you're the actual David Petraeus. This is surprising again because it's the future!

DAVID PETRAEUS

Yes, Treyarch is certain my position as Secretary of Defense is a safe assumption, given my exemplary record!

DAVID MASON

Yeah -- about that --

DAVID escorts MENENDEZ to a HOLDING CELL for an INTERROGATION.

DAVID MASON

So you say you champion the 99%, yet you've amassed a fortune with drug trafficking and illegal arms deals, which has allowed you to fund your own private army.

RAUL MENENDEZ

And right now we're aboard a warship named after a Nobel Peace Prize laureate, so it seems everyone's ideologies are askew.

DAVID MASON

Your label as messiah for the 99% is just a cover for your real intentions? Seriously, did David S. Goyer just copy over Bane's character sheet from The Dark Knight Rises? Why does he hate poor people so much?

RAUL MENENDEZ

It's not just Bane, I'm actually every villain from Christopher Nolan's Batman trilogy combined. An all-consuming desire to see corruption and decadence destroyed? The League of Shadows. Manipulating the minds of others? Scarecrow. Upsetting the established order by plunging the world into chaos? The Joker. Losing a loved one in a fiery explosion and seeking revenge as a result, in addition to facial disfigurement? Two-Face.

DAVID MASON

Wow. Just -- wow.

RAUL MENENDEZ

And I do believe the Joker planned to be caught in order to enact the next stage of his plan, soooo --

DAVID MASON

Fine, allow me to momentarily turn my back on you.

MENENDEZ knocks out DAVID and ESCAPES. When he COMES TO, DAVID sees CAMERA FOOTAGE of MENENDEZ taking ADMIRAL BRIGGS hostage. Also, CHLOE and FARID are there for reasons of PLOT.

ADMIRAL BRIGGS

Cocksucker cocksucker cocksucker cocksucker cocksucker!

JAVIER SALAZAR

I'll save you! Just joking, I'm a traitor, everyone!

SALAZAR moves to SHOOT CHLOE, but FARID jumps in front of the BULLET.

JAVIER SALAZAR

Even though I have plenty of bullets left, I will now knock out Chloe instead, even though she's the only one who can stop Celerium.

RAUL MENENDEZ

Good, you are learning. Always leave your victims alive so they may suffer a fate worse than death, no matter how hard they can fuck up your plans later on.

JAVIER SALAZAR

Oh, Farid was a mole. I meant to tell you that like way sooner.

MENENDEZ shoots ADMIRAL BRIGGS in the KNEE instead of the FACE.

RAUL MENENDEZ

I hate kneecaps so bad.

He then HACKS into the MAINFRAME and uses CELERIUM to hijack AMERICA'S ENTIRE DRONE ARMY.

RAUL MENENDEZ

Good thing I could trust the Americans to bring a skilled hacker like myself near the very terminal that controls their drones.

ADMIRAL BRIGGS

Sucker of cocks!

When DAVID finally gets there, MENENDEZ has VANISHED. He confronts SALAZAR.

JAVIER SALAZAR

Tomorrow everyone will win, David. Except the millions of people who are sure to die. They won't win quite as much.

EXT. LOS ANGELES - 2025

MENENDEZ is using the DRONES to destroy LOS ANGELES. DAVID is aboard a VTOL with the PRESIDENT.

PRESIDENT BOSWORTH

I'm female, which isn't as impactful a notion as it used to be!

AGENT SAMUELS

And I'm here to fill in for Harper. If you like, I can first try coughing a million times to make my voice more resemble that of Michael Rooker.

DAVID MASON

Wait, are we aboard an aircraft? You idiots! These things never last more than ten seconds!

The VTOL is SHOT DOWN OH MY GOD SHOCKER. DAVID then escorts the PRESIDENT in a CONVOY OF CARS, which is then ATTACKED by EXPLOSIONS.

AGENT SAMUELS

Come on, let's take the President straight through war-torn Los Angeles!

DAVID MASON

What is the deal with American cities being besieged by foreign armies lately? Is it some sort of thinly veiled allegory for a fear-mongering "nowhere is safe" message?

DEVELOPER TREYARCH

Shut up and get in this fighter jet already! There's more stuff to blow up!

DAVID MASON

Like my jet, in all likelihood.

Eventually, MASON and SAMUELS manage to get PRESIDENT BOSWORTH to a SHELTER.

EXT. HAITI - 2025

The SOURCE of the DRONE SIGNAL has been traced to MENENDEZ' EVIL UNDERGROUND LAIR in HAITI. DAVID leads SEAL TEAM SIX in an ATTACK and finds MENENDEZ.

RAUL MENENDEZ

Instead of turning America's drone army against other countries, I will now render it harmless by destroying the drones while they're in the air, allowing their harmless debris to harmlessly rain down upon the cities.

DAVID MASON

So I guess this is where I fight you in a protracted quicktime event?

RAUL MENENDEZ

Nope, you actually get another choice. Kill me or spare me to determine what ending you get!

DAVID MASON

Now we get multiple endings too? Well, I suppose I should be glad they didn't try to shoehorn in a binary morality system as well. Imagine having to knock out all those respawning waves of enemies.

DAVID spares MENENDEZ, who is LOCKED AWAY. When CELERIUM suddenly appears A YEAR LATER, CHLOE manages to STOP IT with EDGE AND ATTITUDE.

INT. THE VAULT - 2026

DAVID and WOODS are visited by ALEX MASON, who is ALIVE.

ALEX MASON

Surprise! By the way, I appreciate the fact that you didn't land a head shot, but why did you have to shoot me in the dick? Twice?

DAVID MASON

Where the fuck have you been for the last thirty years? And don't just cut to credits with a knowing smile, I want to know why you never --

The CREDITS start to appear. AN ADDITIONAL SEQUENCE shows CHLOE being interviewed by JIMMY KIMMEL, which ENRAGES MENENDEZ.

RAUL MENENDEZ

You hear that, Kimmel? Treyarch thinks you're symptomatic of the economic anarchy of capitalism.

JIMMY KIMMEL

So? I'll apparently still be on the air in ten years. Fuck yeah!

DEVELOPER TREYARCH

And just to drive that point in completely the other direction, here's heavy metal band Avenged Sevenfold out of fucking nowhere! Having all the money is awesome! We can just do whatever!

After AVENGED SEVENFOLD completely destroys MENENDEZ as a MENACING CHARACTER, they give A CONCERT attended by ALL THE CHARACTERS from the GAME. I WISH I WAS FUCKING KIDDING.

THE END