FADE IN:

INT. BRIDGE - SSV NORMANDY

The NORMANDY is patrolling a part of space that has NO PLOT-RELEVANT IMPORTANCE.

ASHLEY WILLIAMS

So we're on an assignment to hunt down geth? That seems oddly lacklustre for a first mission. Almost as if something horrible and unexpected will soon happen.

SHEPARD

Yeah, I know, I'm kinda worried. This isn't just the sequel to a best-selling RPG, but also the middle entry in the planned trilogy. That means things are going to be much darker and edgier.

A DARK AND EDGY SHIP appears and HORRIBLY AND UNEXPECTEDLY starts SHOOTING at the NORMANDY.

SHEPARD

See what I mean? Get everyone who isn't a faceless crewman to the escape pods while I go rescue Joker, our pilot.

ASHLEY WILLIAMS

Why? He's voiced by that annoying little assclown Seth Green.

SHEPARD

Good point, but I need some way to come off as a selfless hero.

SHEPARD shoves JOKER into an ESCAPE POD but is then knocked into space by an EXPLOSION which destroys the NORMANDY. He floats away and SUFFOCATES, after which someone accidentally leans on a couple of PIANO KEYS. Somehow SHEPARD'S BODY doesn't BURN UP when it hits the ATMOSPHERE of the NEARBY PLANET.

INT. CERBERUS STATION

SHEPARD wakes up on a SPACE STATION.

DEVELOPER BIOWARE

Okay, Shepard. I see you imported a saved game, so there's no need to recreate your entire profile.

SHEPARD

Oh Lord, did I really call myself Stallion Shepard?

DEVELOPER BIOWARE

I told you it would be ridiculous. Now let's insert a contrived training section and have it awkwardly gel with the story.

SHEPARD

Is that really necessary? I've just finished replaying the previous game specifically to set up that profile.

DEVELOPER BIOWARE

Yeah, but we've changed things around a lot, so pay attention.

SHEPARD follows a bunch of FLOATING ARROWS. After shooting some ROBOTS, he meets JACOB TAYLOR.

JACOB TAYLOR

Shepard, you've been released? There should've been at least three more months of development to work out any glaring issues!

SHEPARD

There was little time for adequate testing! Just give me a second to get a grip.

JACOB TAYLOR

I'm still coming to terms as well. I come from an iPhone game, I'm not used to all this 3D stuff.

SHEPARD

So what's going on?

JACOB TAYLOR

Somebody hacked the security system and now these robots are attacking us.

SHEPARD

I'm guessing you're easing me into this by introducing an undifferentiated generic enemy in the role of what basically amounts to a walking target dummy.

JACOB TAYLOR

Right, I've got the black demographic covered. Now let's go find Miranda Lawson to account for the female one. Allow me to instantly stop taking any initiative in combat and only use my powers when you tell me to.

SHEPARD and JACOB fight through the STATION and eventually find MIRANDA LAWSON.

MIRANDA LAWSON

Hello, Shepard. You'll note that I am not only voiced by Yvonne Strahovski, but my facial features are also modelled after hers.

SHEPARD

I know, your buck teeth demonstrate they really went to great lengths to remain faithful to the original. And your delivery is just as dull as the constant expression on your face.

MIRANDA LAWSON

Now we're going to reveal who we're working for, in the hope that none of the preview coverage or even this scene heading tipped you off. It's Cerberus.

SHEPARD

Cerberus? The radical pro-human organisation that got a mention or two in passing during a few of the previous game's sidequests?

MIRANDA LAWSON

The very same. Cerberus is top secret. It can't be tracked by official authorities.

SHEPARD

And yet you paste your logo all over your suits and on every station and ship you own. Why even have a logo in the first place? How far do those authorities have their heads up their asses?

MIRANDA LAWSON

We recovered your body and brought you back to life thanks to something called the Lazarus Project.

SHEPARD

Great, I look forward to everyone I meet exclaiming: "Shepard? But -- you're dead!"

MIRANDA LAWSON

If it's someone you have to kill, say "No, you are" right before you do. That's so epic.

SHEPARD

And what if I don't want to work for you guys?

MIRANDA LAWSON

Tough shit. The worst you can do is constantly complain about doing our bidding. Now let's go meet your new boss.

SHEPARD meets THE ILLUSIVE MAN, who is played by PRESIDENT BARTLET playing THE CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN.

ILLUSIVE MAN

Commander Shepard.

SHEPARD

The Illusive Man? The Lazarus Project? You guys really went out on a limb with the nomenclature.

ILLUSIVE MAN

Just wait until you hear the name we've got for a new race which abducts entire human colonies: the Collectors.

SHEPARD

Jeez, that's what we called the local philately club.

ILLUSIVE MAN

We clearly already know about the Collectors, but I still think you should go down to one such affected colony with a sense of mystery. Any questions?

SHEPARD

Yeah, how did you acquire my body after I died?

ILLUSIVE MAN

Well, we --

PUBLISHER ELECTRONIC ARTS

Shush! To find out about that, you can read Mass Effect: Redemption, available at your nearest book store.

ILLUSIVE MAN

Right, sorry. Shepard, we've rebuilt the Normandy for you.

SHEPARD

The ship which was effortlessly annihilated by the enemy we're now going after? You know, they say insanity means trying the same thing again and expecting a different result.

ILLUSIVE MAN

That's why you're going to have to upgrade her out of your own pocket. Also, I've gotten you a pilot. It's someone you know.

SHEPARD

Oh no. Oh God no.

ILLUSIVE MAN

But don't worry, you don't really have to talk to him. There's a shipboard AI now that basically does everything he did.

INT. BRIDGE - SSV NORMANDY

SHEPARD enters the NORMANDY while NOSTALGIA-INDUCING MUSIC SWELLS.

EDI

Welcome, Commander Shepard. I am completely operational, and all my circuits are functioning perfectly.

SHEPARD

Are you being voiced by Tricia Helfer? It's Star Trek, Firefly, and Battlestar Galactica all over the place. Did you guys sign a pact to only do science-fiction?

EDI

We have to cater to a very specific fanbase here.

SHEPARD

I'm sure that's why we've got a Scot working in the engine room. I can't wait for him to tell me that "the haggis is in the fire" or something.

After roaming the NORMANDY, SHEPARD travels down to the affected COLONY.

EXT. FREEDOM'S PROGRESS COLONY

The COLONY is utterly ABANDONED. SHEPARD, JACOB and MIRANDA walk around.

SHEPARD

It's like everybody just got up during breakfast, which is a very original line not already used in a bunch of sci-fi movies.

They come across a group of QUARIANS, one of whom is TALI'ZORAH SOMETHING SOMETHING.

SHEPARD

Tali? What a bizarre and frankly unbelievable coincidence.

TALI

Shepard? But -- you're dead!

SHEPARD

No, you are!

(beat)

That's not what I meant to say.

MIRANDA LAWSON

Face, meet palm.

SHEPARD

Why don't you join me, Tali? It can be just like old times.

TALI

What, leaving me in the Normandy's engine room and never taking me on any missions? The previous game's short script listed me once as "another goddamn alien." Seriously, fuck that.

SHEPARD

Look, I'm going to end up recruiting you anyway, so why don't we skip the whole reticence thing for convenience's sake.

TALI

Fine. Also, I'm apparently in love with you, but all I'll do about that is drop uncomfortably ambiguous lines and sputter awkwardly.

Eventually, SHEPARD uncovers FOOTAGE of the COLLECTORS, proving what everybody already knew.

INT. BRIDGE - SSV NORMANDY

Back on the NORMANDY, SHEPARD meets KELLY CHAMBERS.

KELLY CHAMBERS

Hello, Commander Shepard. I'm your sparky personal assistant. In addition to pointing out new messages for you, I'll also be spouting trite psychological babble.

SHEPARD

Wait, am I reading this dialogue option right? "I'll do more than catch you if you fall?" Jeez, apparently we're not wasting any time with the romance subplots.

KELLY CHAMBERS

I'm basically a fling, though. Feel free to seduce me and then drop me by the wayside once somebody else comes along. Oh, you have a new message at your terminal.

The message is from CAPTAIN ANDERSON, who apparently only heard RUMOURS of SHEPARD'S REVIVAL but still managed to contact the NORMANDY. SHEPARD goes to the CITADEL to see him.

INT. PRESIDIUM - CITADEL

SHEPARD enters the CITADEL, which is A LOT SMALLER ALL OF A SUDDEN.

CAPTAIN ANDERSON

Batallion is oscar mike! Move out!

SHEPARD

Excuse me?

CAPTAIN ANDERSON

Oh sorry, my voice actor got confused for a moment.

(beat)

Shepard, I'm actually completely underwhelmed by the fact that you're alive. A wry smile and a handshake is all you get.

SHEPARD addresses the CITADEL COUNCIL.

SHEPARD

I warned you the Reapers were an overarching threat.

CITADEL COUNCIL

The Reapers? Pshaw. I'm actually going to use air quotes to illustrate what utter nonsense we consider them to be.

SHEPARD

You guys are so lucky I imported a saved game where I decided to let you live. The default profile assumes you died in the attack. That means Bioware considers it canon.

CITADEL COUNCIL

Of course, we're a godawful bunch of malcontents! To placate you, we are willing to reinstate you as a Spectre.

SHEPARD

So my status as a Spectre is once again a compromise? I feel honoured, I think.

AMBASSADOR UDINA

And I'm here for absolutely no reason whatsoever!

ILLUSIVE MAN

Shepard, to take on the Collectors, you'll need a colourful team of eccentric characters with plenty of emotional baggage. Go recruit.

INT. OMEGA STATION

SHEPARD arrives on THE POOR MAN'S CITADEL, OMEGA STATION, to recruit TWO TEAM MEMBERS. He approaches a MERCENARY.

MERCENARY

Yes? What do you want?

SHEPARD

Uhh, I dunno actually. You're the only one with a use prompt in this crowd, so I assumed you had something to say.

MERCENARY

Oh right, I have lines! So all of us are banding together to go after this douchebag called Archangel. And mercenaries working together should be a clear indication of just how big a douchebag he is.

After going along with them for a while, SHEPARD eventually BETRAYS the MERCENARIES on his way to ARCHANGEL.

SHEPARD

Ah, a fight. Let me just pause the proceedings. Miranda, you shoot this guy in the face. Jacob, you fling that other guy against the nearest wall. I'll take care of what's-his-name over here. Alright? Good to go?

MERCENARY

I'm not sure I wholly endorse that chain of events as it was just described.

SHEPARD UNPAUSES and the MERCENARIES are all KILLED. He finds ARCHANGEL and it turns out to be GARRUS VAKARIAN! HOLY FUCKING SHIT!

SHEPARD

Hey, Garrus. You look good.

GARRUS VAKARIAN

Thanks. I've finally got a high-definition face texture. And my visor thingie now has moving bits!

SHEPARD

So you've managed to piss off every mercenary group around here. Nice going.

GARRUS VAKARIAN

In these days of poor storytelling techniques, you can't kill anyone without that person being the friend or relative of someone important and spiteful.

Aided by BULLETPROOF COUCHES, SHEPARD and GARRUS hold off ENDLESS WAVES OF MERCENARIES. GARRUS is WOUNDED in the attack.

GARRUS VAKARIAN

Ow, my face! If only I hadn't taken off my helmet for a dramatic character reveal!

SHEPARD saves GARRUS and takes him to the NORMANDY.

SHEPARD

Alright, that's one. Who's next?

MIRANDA LAWSON

Zaeed Massani. He's available as downloadable content on the Cerberus network.

SHEPARD

What kind of a name is Zaeed? It sounds like a sneeze. Screw that. Next?

MIRANDA LAWSON

There's Mordin Solus, the mile-a-minute and morally ambiguous salarian scientist.

INT. SLUMS - OMEGA STATION

On his way to find MORDIN SOLUS, SHEPARD encounters some LOOTERS.

SHEPARD

You guys are stealing from the dead? That's not very sporting. I just emptied a wall safe while its owners were standing right next to it. That's how it's done.

LOOTER

Yeah, kinda hypocritical of you to call us out on looting while you help yourself to pretty much anything not nailed to the floor.

SHEPARD

Hey, Cerberus spent 4 billion space dollars on the Lazarus Project, and yet I still have to scrounge around for petty cash in order to succeed in the very thing they brought me back for. Go figure.

After curing a GENERIC PLAGUE, SHEPARD recruits MORDIN SOLUS.

MORDIN SOLUS

Can't form full sentences. Character trait? Most likely. Will join you, Shepard. Equal parts exposition delivery and comic relief.

SHEPARD

Welcome aboard, motor mouth.

MIRANDA LAWSON

Right, I'm supposed to be the cold bitch, but I'm going to become all mushy later on. So we'll have to find someone else to fill in for the role.

SHEPARD

I think there's someone like that on Butcher Bay -- I mean, the Purgatory prison ship.

INT. PURGATORY PRISON SHIP

SHEPARD is greeted by WARDEN KURIL.

WARDEN KURIL

Welcome, Shepard. You'll need to relinquish your weapons.

SHEPARD

Looks like the only dialogue options I have are "No" and "Fuck no." Sorry.

WARDEN KURIL

In that case I'll just offer some off-hand comment on how we can easily deal with three well-armed people, even though every fight you've ever been in has resulted in you not dying.

SHEPARD

We're here for a prisoner called Jack. Please carefully avoid using any pronouns when referencing Jack so we can keep Jack's gender a surprise to anyone who didn't view any of the pre-release character vignettes.

WARDEN KURIL

Very well. Jack's being held just beyond the room with all the chest-high walls that make it perfect for an ambush.

SHEPARD

Naturally, because the only way to liven up these missions is through combat.

WARDEN KURIL betrays SHEPARD, who is SHOT and moves behind COVER.

SHEPARD

Why is there some toddler colouring my screen with red crayon every time I'm wounded? This is most annoying.

Eventually, SHEPARD releases JACK and OH MY GOD, IT'S A WOMAN! She immediately OVERACTS HER WAY through EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING.

SHEPARD

What are you doing?

JACK

I'm hamming it up! How else do you act "psychopath" besides screaming, clenching teeth and gesticulating wildly?

MORDIN SOLUS

Emotional instability, tension, dysphoria. Psychopathy unlikely. More consistent with premenstrual syndrome.

JACK

If that was true, I'd be crushing your trachea with my mind right now.

SHEPARD

Good to have you on the team!

INT. CARGO HOLD - SSV NORMANDY

SHEPARD waits for a bunch of POP-UPS from the previous mission to cycle through.

EDI

Shepard, we've still got that krogan test tube baby in the cargo hold. The one you picked up on a mission that this short script didn't think important enough to go into.

SHEPARD

I've sweet-talked a krogan before. It's probably best if I open it all by myself without backup or protection of any sort.

SHEPARD releases the KROGAN from the TEST TUBE, who then PINS HIM TO THE WALL.

SHEPARD

Hork!

(beat)

Careful now. I've pulled a pistol out of thin air and this is a cutscene, which makes them kill with one shot.

GRUNT

Call me Grunt.

SHEPARD

Because you're a soldier who lives to fight?

GRUNT

No, because my voice actor appears to be grunting all my lines.

GRUNT releases SHEPARD and starts giving his OPINION on the NORMANDY and her CREW.

SHEPARD

How come you already know all these things? You literally came into the world just five seconds ago.

ILLUSIVE MAN

Shepard, the Collectors are attacking another colony. Go kill.

EXT. HORIZON COLONY

SHEPARD arrives on HORIZON and kills a bunch of COLLECTORS, who are periodically TAKEN OVER by an entity called HARBINGER.

HARBINGER

Human, I will tear you apart by incessantly repeating variations of that line during combat.

SHEPARD

Oh hey, you're this game's Sovereign?

HARBINGER

Please, that guy was a complete moron. My plan is way smarter than his.

SHEPARD

Yeah, because it's real smart to momentarily immobilise the guys you're taking over, allowing me to knock off half their health before they can even fire their first shot.

After driving away the COLLECTOR SHIP, SHEPARD finds ASHLEY WILLIAMS.

ASHLEY WILLIAMS

Shepard! Let's hug a bit too long. It's good to see you, but I'm morally outraged that you're working for Cerberus, even though it's a pro-human group and I clearly exhibited racist tendencies in the previous game. So I guess that's it for us.

SHEPARD

Wait, you're going to provide no explanation whatsoever on how you escaped the Collectors? You were obviously affected by those swarm bugs in the opening cutscene.

ASHLEY WILLIAMS

There's really no point. I was only brought back just so our romance thread from the previous game could be clumsily swept under the rug. You're free to hook up with whoever the developers allowed you to. Which isn't me. Bye!

ILLUSIVE MAN

Shepard, I don't think you have enough eccentric characters on your team yet. Go recruit some more.

EXT. ILLIUM

After landing on ILLIUM, which is basically SPACE DUBAI, SHEPARD is asked to go see LIARA T'SONI.

LIARA T'SONI

Hello, Shepard. I can't talk about the role I played in finding your body after the attack on the Normandy. There's always someone listening on Illium.

PUBLISHER ELECTRONIC ARTS

Damn right.

LIARA T'SONI

Anyways, we've pretty much legalised slavery here by calling it "indentured servitude."

SHEPARD

Cool, that means I can chalk up some Paragon points by morally objecting to everything.

LIARA T'SONI

Aren't you going to ask me to join you?

SHEPARD

Lord no. You've still got that "teenage angst" thing going, only now it's been worsened by "darker and edgier." But you can point me to two other people I need to recruit here.

LIARA T'SONI

That's pretty much like showing up on my doorstep with flowers only to ask if you can date my sister.

SHEPARD

I'll run a bunch of extraneous errands for you if it'll make you feel better.

SHEPARD recruits THANE KRIOS and SAMARA.

SHEPARD

What is it with asari matriarchs and cleavage? How the hell is that useful in combat?

SAMARA

Why are you wondering about that when Jack's armour consists of three leather straps and attitude?

SHEPARD

Never mind. I'm not even going to bother asking why your armour is painted to look like a fucking strawberry.

INT. BRIEFING ROOM - SSV NORMANDY

SHEPARD walks into the BRIEFING ROOM and finds ALL HIS TEAM MEMBERS waiting for him.

SHEPARD

What's going on? Is this an intervention? I swear, I can quit anytime I want!

JACOB TAYLOR

It's not that. Look, Shepard, we've been talking and -- we all think you owe us one for agreeing to go on a suicide mission with you. Conveniently, each of us has a personal matter you can help resolve in order to increase our loyalty to you.

SHEPARD

And you all feel this way? Garrus, you too? You'd think the entirety of the previous game would count as your loyalty mission. Not to mention me saving your ass on Omega.

GARRUS VAKARIAN

Mine is more for the secondary outfit you'll unlock. Come on, my armour looks like roadkill.

SHEPARD

Fine. There's probably three more colonies being abducted as we speak, but I'll take the time out to help each and every one of you. Never mind that I'll be repeatedly putting myself at risk despite being humanity's last hope. Or that gaining your loyalty is based solely on doing favours without any consideration for the legendary status I've supposedly attained.

JACOB TAYLOR

On the upside, we all possess a hidden talent which we'll only learn to use once we're loyal to you.

SHEPARD

That makes about as much sense as each of you having a very specific upgrade for the Normandy.

JACOB TAYLOR

This'll also ensure you have to take each of us with you on a mission at least once.

SHEPARD

Well, at least I won't have to suddenly rush all your skill trees at the end of the game.

JACOB TAYLOR

Now let's all upload our loyalty missions to your journal.

SHEPARD

Oh goody, more pop-ups. It's a good thing I've gotten used to running errands for pretty much everyone.

SHEPARD completes EVERY GODDAMN LOYALTY MISSION.

SHEPARD

Everybody happy now? We can all go get killed with a smile?

GARRUS VAKARIAN

Waaah! My armour still looks like roadkill, only now it's roadkill with a different colour.

ILLUSIVE MAN

Shepard, we've haphazardly come across the Collector ship that attacked Horizon. Go investigate.

INT. COLLECTOR SHIP

SHEPARD enters the COLLECTOR SHIP alongside JACK, who only needs A RESPIRATOR AND ATTITUDE to protect her from THE VACUUM OF SPACE.

EDI

Shepard, you must give me access to the ship's systems.

SHEPARD

Alright, I'll just make this yellow doohickey appear on my arm and wave it around a bit. That basically seems to do anything technical.

EDI

My analysis suggests the Collectors share DNA with the Protheans.

SHEPARD

What an unexpected reveal! This completely justifies their sudden and jarring introduction into the series!

EDI

My analysis also suggests that this is a trap. Run!

SHEPARD

Oh no! And I can only run for about three seconds before being completely exhausted!

After fighting a COLLECTOR that looks like THOSE ALIENS FROM INDEPENDENCE DAY, SHEPARD escapes the SHIP.

INT. BRIEFING ROOM - SSV NORMANDY

SHEPARD confronts THE ILLUSIVE MAN.

ILLUSIVE MAN

Of course I knew it was a trap. But I have to be shady and untrustworthy, it's the only thing making my character remotely interesting. Anyways, we've --

SHEPARD

Let me guess. You've stumbled across another seemingly derelict ship which might provide an insight into the Collectors and their connection to the Reapers.

ILLUSIVE MAN

Yes. Go investigate some more.

SHEPARD

No more team members to recruit? I noticed there's one spot ambiguously left open on the roster.

ILLUSIVE MAN

Interesting eh? Well, better get down there.

INT. DERELICT REAPER

SHEPARD enters the REAPER, kills an assload of ROBOT ZOMBIES and comes across a single GETH.

SHEPARD

This geth looks different from all the others.

MORDIN SOLUS

Unique art asset. Animated head plates indicate capability for rudimentary facial expressions. Introductory cutscene and higher polycount suggest plot-related role.

SHEPARD

We're taking it with us.

MORDIN SOLUS

Not advisable. Reaper exploding, enemies everywhere.

SHEPARD

No worries. We'll make our escape part of a cutscene. That way, enemies die with one shot.

SHEPARD also finds a way of getting to the COLLECTOR BASE, but NOBODY GIVES A SHIT, since this was all about LEGION.

INT. AI CORE - SSV NORMANDY

JACOB TAYLOR

We've placed that geth you found in the room that houses EDI's core systems, because that is clearly the safest place to store a robot that was seen hacking its way into computers just a few minutes ago.

SHEPARD

I'm going to activate it. I've seen preview footage of it and it's got a really cool voice.

SHEPARD activates LEGION.

SHEPARD

Do you mean us any harm?

LEGION

Nope.

SHEPARD

Good enough for me! I will instantly disable the security field and lean in real close. Say, why do you have a piece of my old armour integrated in your body?

LEGION shifts around uncomfortably, which is the ROBOT EQUIVALENT of BLUSHING.

SHEPARD

Are you in love with me or something?

LEGION

Love is a function of your hardware. We do not experience it, but we understand how it affects you.

SHEPARD

You're not a romance option anyways. I don't even want to think about how that would work.

LEGION

Just visit any given Mass Effect-themed deviantART page. I'm sure you'll come across all conceivable romance combinations there.

SHEPARD

Well, now that my team is complete, I'm going to take it off the Normandy for no good goddamn reason.

This HAPPENS for NO GOOD GODDAMN REASON. The COLLECTORS then arrive and instead of destroying the NORMANDY, which proved succesful once before, they BOARD it and abduct EVERYONE except for JOKER.

SHEPARD

Figures that they would take everyone except him. I'm just going to pretend nothing happened and talk to my team mates as if everything's normal.

INT. CREW QUARTERS - SSV NORMANDY

SHEPARD visits MIRANDA LAWSON.

SHEPARD

Everything alright, Miranda? Your constant expression appears slightly less dull than usual.

MIRANDA LAWSON

(mushy)

You've never taken me or Jacob on any missions after recruiting other team members, Shepard.

SHEPARD

Sorry, but you guys are simply two-dimensional stock characters. How about I add some depth by showing an interest? Tell me about yourself, Miranda.

MIRANDA LAWSON

I was in charge of the Lazarus Project, keeping a close eye on every aspect of the process.

SHEPARD

So then -- I take it you've also kept a close eye on my dick.

MIRANDA LAWSON

Oh yeah, totally. Not much to see, though. Kinda shrivelled.

SHEPARD

I was dead at the time. And I can explain if my balls were blue.

MIRANDA LAWSON

Are you coming on to me, Shepard?

SHEPARD

Apparently I am. I was just trying to be nice by choosing Paragon dialogue options and now I'm inadvertently seducing you.

MIRANDA LAWSON

That's so romantic. I've cleared the engine room.

SHEPARD

Wait, doesn't that mean that you told Tali, who has the hots for me and considers the engine room her turf, to go away so we could have sex there?

MIRANDA LAWSON

I told her we have an active geth on board. Should have seen her running.

SHEPARD

Hrmph, better go take care of that first. Please stay aroused.

INT. AI CORE - SSV NORMANDY

SHEPARD sees TALI pointing a GUN at LEGION.

TALI

Choose a side in this irrelevant argument, Shepard!

SHEPARD

Oh, I don't have to. Because I've focused on chalking up points solely on one end of the morality scale, I can now talk myself out of basically any situation. Clearly this game awards consistency more than anything else.

SHEPARD bullshits EVERYONE into PLACATION.

SHEPARD

Now let's go to the Collector base and get our crew back.

JOKER

We'll arrive in two hours, Commander. Incidentally, that should give you enough time to bone a team member.

SHEPARD

Oh right!

SHEPARD heads back to the ENGINE ROOM.

SHEPARD

Now, where were we? I think I was about to reveal my long-range sensor.

SHEPARD and MIRANDA proceed to HAVE SEX. The screen FADES TO BLACK before MIRANDA fully removes her SUIT, so they might as well be DRYHUMPING for all we know.

SHEPARD

Oh yeah, say my name.

MIRANDA LAWSON

Stallion Shepard?

SHEPARD

Don't say my name.

EXT. COLLECTOR BASE

The NORMANDY heads for the COLLECTOR BASE. JOKER smashes her through a DEBRIS FIELD, which randomly kills JACK.

JACK

Noooo! Why didn't you upgrade our shielding?

(dies)

SHEPARD

Oh come on, that planet scanning game is fucking boring! No wonder there's so many mineral deposits available.

The NORMANDY is then attacked by OCULUS, a BIG ROBOT EYE which looks and acts exactly like 343 GUILTY SPARK WHEN HE'S PISSED OFF.

OCULUS

Halo is the definitive science-fiction epic trilogy! Braaah!

SHEPARD

Halo is just a dumbed-down console shooter! Hurrrr!

OCULUS

But this game specifically had its gameplay design shifted from RPG to shooter only to appeal to a wider audience and increase sales!

SHEPARD

Oh, I'm so going to kill the living fuck out of you!

OCULUS is DESTROYED and the NORMANDY CRASHES into the side of the COLLECTOR BASE.

INT. COLLECTOR BASE

SHEPARD and his TEAM are able to walk around because there are OXYGEN and GRAVITY for some reason.

SHEPARD

We're going to rescue our crew and destroy this base.

MIRANDA LAWSON

Even though you're our leader, I'll be incessantly telling you what to do. Start by picking team members for the various roles in the mission.

SHEPARD

Garrus, I want you to lead the secondary fire team.

GARRUS VAKARIAN

Can it wait for a bit? I'm in the middle of some calibrations.

After SHEPARD rescues his CREW, the COLLECTORS ride in on the very platform he needs to get into the CENTRAL CHAMBER. This indicates that the COLLECTORS are IDIOTS. Once there, SHEPARD finds a HUMAN REAPER TORSO LARVA THING.

SHEPARD

So this is what the Collectors are doing? Mushing all abducted colonists together to power a giant Terminator?

EDI

My analysis suggests that this is the way the Reapers reproduce.

SHEPARD

Really? Doesn't that mean that their cycle of extinction is basically a galactic orgy? No wonder they're so pissed off. Everything we've been doing has been to cockblock them.

The HUMAN REAPER starts VOMITING LASERS all over the place but SHEPARD kills it by shooting all the GLOWY BITS.

SHEPARD

Well, that was anticlimactically easy. Now let's blow this place to hell.

ILLUSIVE MAN

Wait! I have no idea how exactly I'm able to communicate with you, but just let me blab on and on while your team is likely dying in a horrible way.

SHEPARD

What do you want?

ILLUSIVE MAN

Spare the Collector base. We can use it against the Reapers. And for human dominance across the galaxy, naturally.

SHEPARD

Sorry, if you hadn't been so blatantly obvious about your agenda by doing a fist pump, I might've considered it.

SHEPARD rigs the COLLECTOR BASE to BLOW UP and ESCAPES. JOKER helps by effortlessly firing an ASSAULT RIFLE, when earlier he was having trouble with a MUTE BUTTON.

HARBINGER

Human, you've changed nothing.

SHEPARD

Uh yeah, that was kind of the idea, wasn't it? We couldn't really resolve any of the major plot points reserved for Mass Effect 3 here, so the Collectors were introduced as filler material to maintain a status quo.

DEVELOPER BIOWARE

Precisely.

The COLLECTOR BASE BLOWS THE FUCK UP.

INT. BRIDGE - SSV NORMANDY

SHEPARD sees all the REAPERS slowly heading for the MILKY WAY GALAXY, something they probably could have done in the first place without wasting time with the COLLECTORS.

SHEPARD

Wasn't it established earlier that Reapers resemble the races they've assimilated? Why do they all look like giant cuttlefish?

JOKER

Beats me. Hey, check this Reaper schematic that I just pulled out of my ass.

(beat)

You seem concerned, Shepard. Is it the imminent return of the Reapers?

SHEPARD

No. The narrative justification for many of the gameplay changes was my death and subsequent revival. I'd hate to think what Mass Effect 3 has planned for me, especially since it now has to cover the eventuality that I could have died during the suicide mission.

To pass the time, SHEPARD completes a bunch of LEFTOVER MISSIONS which still get SUMMARIES from THE ILLUSIVE MAN, even though he was told to GO FUCK HIMSELF earlier.

THE END