FADE IN:

INT. F.E.A.R. HQ

An INTRO SEQUENCE shows a bunch of EVENTS that are designed to NOT MAKE SENSE.

TITLE CARD

In 2002, the U.S. Army formed a secret unit dedicated to combating paranormal threats to national security. The unit was named -- the X-Files.

(beat)

Of course, I meant F.E.A.R.!

The protagonist, POINT MAN, is introduced to ROWDY BETTERS, commander of F.E.A.R.

ROWDY BETTERS

Welcome to First Encounter Assault Recon, new guy.

POINT MAN

F.E.A.R.? Must've taken some real wrangling to get to that backronym. And it still doesn't make sense. What, do we recon an area after we've assaulted it? This is about as ridiculous as your character setup.

ROWDY BETTERS

Yeah, I know I look like Tom Arnold in True Lies.

POINT MAN

I was actually talking about your name. Rowdy Betters? Sounds like one of those shitty Will Ferrell characters.

ROWDY BETTERS

Let's move on. This guy named Paxton Fettel is a powerful psychic who has taken command of a crapload of cloned replica soldiers to lead them in an uprising against Armacham, the company that created him. We can end the crisis by killing him, which will cause all those soldiers to shut down.

POINT MAN

No wait, that's utterly ridiculous. Why would they have even the basic motor functions of an entire army depend on the safety and well-being of a single guy?

ROWDY BETTERS

No idea, the whole system seems ill-conceived that way. I mean, those soldiers also constantly use radio commands, even though there's a supposed psychic commander directing their actions. Anyway, these are your team mates.

SPEN JANKOWSKI

I'll briefly badmouth you right to your face before vanishing mysteriously.

JIN SUN-KWON

And I'll pop around now and again to state obvious facts.

POINT MAN

So we're a unit formed specifically to fight paranormal threats. How do we do that? Proton packs? Religious chanting?

ROWDY BETTERS

No, we shoot them. Using guns. Plain old, regular guns.

POINT MAN

Then what's the paranormal part of this threat?

ROWDY BETTERS

Some cheesy visions and sightings. Here comes one now!

POINT MAN sees himself BEING BORN, obviously.

ROWDY BETTERS

Now I'll drive you over to Fettel's last known location. I've got a car left over from a chase sequence that was cut.

INT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE - NIGHT

POINT MAN enters the WAREHOUSE with JANKOWSKI.

SPEN JANKOWSKI

I don't like you. Well, I guess that's it for me.

(vanishes mysteriously)

FETTEL then appears and hits POINT MAN in the FACE with a TWO-BY-FOUR, which he fails to AVOID despite his SUPERHUMAN REFLEXES.

PAXTON FETTEL

Guess what? I'm actually your brother. And that little girl you're going to see everywhere? She's our mother. She's using me to get back at her biological father, Harlan Wade. Yeah.

POINT MAN

Whoa whoa whoa, are you supposed to be telling me all that?

PAXTON FETTEL

No, those are all revelations reserved for the ending. It's just funnier if you already know them, since every other character you meet is related to you! Now I'm going to disappear again.

POINT MAN

Wait, what was the deal with you eating that guy in the intro?

PAXTON FETTEL

Oh, that's how I absorb other people's memories. Only the three people who actually bothered to read the comic that came with the DVD edition know that.

POINT MAN

You want a napkin or something? You look like you're in the middle of a Buffalo wings eating contest.

FETTEL disappears.

ROWDY BETTERS

There's a sizable platoon of replica soldiers at a nearby generic industrial area. Go recon the area by assaulting the shit out of it.

INT. WATER TREATMENT PLANT - NIGHT

POINT MAN is accompanied by some DELTA FORCE TROOPS. The little girl, ALMA WADE, suddenly appears.

ALMA WADE

Didn't you learn your lesson with Jankowski? You're not allowed to have any backup, young man! So I've just liquefied the entire Delta Force team.

POINT MAN

But mooom!

POINT MAN infiltrates the PLANT on his own and encounters REPLICA SOLDIERS.

POINT MAN

A fight! Time to slow things doooowwwnnnn!

REPLICA SOLDIER

Oooooooh shhhiiiiiittttt!

Using BULLETS and STYLE, POINT MAN eliminates the SOLDIERS.

DEVELOPER MONOLITH

Now let's break out the actual horror elements!

A SCARE CHORD accompanies a GHOSTLY APPARITION slowly walking out of frame. This is UNSETTLING the first time, but not when it happens THE NEXT FIFTY FUCKING TIMES.

ROWDY BETTERS

Hey buddy, are you tired of traversing all those industrial areas?

POINT MAN

It is kind of wearing thin.

ROWDY BETTERS

Well, there's a situation over at Armacham. So go fight a bunch of dudes in the exact same tight corridors, only now in an office setting!

INT. ARMACHAM BUILDING - NIGHT

The ARMACHAM BUILDING has been taken over by REPLICA SOLDIERS.

ROWDY BETTERS

The Armacham employees have all left a single file open on their laptops. Access them so I can reconstruct the backstory in a conveniently linear fashion.

POINT MAN

They were apparently also keeping assorted weaponry and armour in their cubicles, which really comes in handy.

ALMA WADE

Boo!

POINT MAN finds and liberates a HOSTAGE, ALDUS BISHOP.

ALDUS BISHOP

Hello. I'm one of the umpteen employees you've been hearing in all those phone messages.

ROWDY BETTERS

Ah, a survivor! Our point man is having trouble talking because he's too busy gargling John Woo's balls, so I'll speak for him. What is your job?

ALDUS BISHOP

I was on a task force with Alice Wade. Because Armacham is your typical evil corporation engaging in amoral experiments, we had to cover up the evidence.

ROWDY BETTERS

Alright, go find Alice Wade.

Along the way, POINT MAN comes across NORTON MAPES.

NORTON MAPES

I'm fat! And abrasive! And a ginger!

POINT MAN

So basically a holdover character from No One Lives Forever?

NORTON MAPES

Pretty much. Now I'm going to escape by squeezing my fat ass into a ventilation shaft located two feet above the floor, which ironically is something you can't ever do.

ALMA WADE

Blaaah!

MAPES escapes and activates an AUTOMATED TURRET SYSTEM. POINT MAN takes control of one such DEFENSIVE TURRET.

POINT MAN

Look at that. My superhuman reflexes also translate to the mechanical operation of this turret.

REPLICA SOLDIER

Squad, we've located our target! Let's all blindly rush into the room that houses the turret he's currently controlling! Yiiaaaah!

After KILLING all the SOLDIERS, POINT MAN finds a ROOM that is BATHED IN BLOOD.

JIN SUN-KWON

Finally, something for me to do! It appears there is a large amount of blood in this room.

INT. EXECUTIVE BUILDING - NIGHT

Eventually, POINT MAN reaches ALICE WADE.

POINT MAN

Hey there uhh, aunt, right?

ALICE WADE

I need to find my father, Harlan. He's Armacham's chief scientist. Can you get me out of here?

POINT MAN

Sure thing. First I'm going to invade your privacy and play back your phone messages right in front of you. Then I'll escort you past a bunch of offices that have corpses and broken glass in them, which is great since you're barefoot. And if we run into any more soldiers, I'll just use this gun that boils the flesh right off their bones and turns them into Halloween skeletons.

ALICE WADE

Good thing there's hardly any facial expression system to speak of, or all that might visibly upset me.

ALMA WADE

Ooga booga booga!

ALICE WADE

Goodness.

POINT MAN escorts ALICE for a while, but then she LEAVES ON HER OWN.

ROWDY BETTERS

Go after her! Oh, and are you tired of what amounts to fighting the same three guys over and over again?

POINT MAN

Boy, am I ever!

ROWDY BETTERS

Well, here come some flying laser robots! Variety!

Eventually, POINT MAN escapes.

ROWDY BETTERS

Armacham has a secret facility called the Vault. Alice must've gone over there. It's located in another goddamn industrial area.

EXT. VAULT - NIGHT

After passing through ANOTHER GODDAMN INDUSTRIAL AREA, POINT MAN sees HARLAN WADE shooting NORTON and entering the VAULT. POINT MAN approaches NORTON.

NORTON MAPES

You must destroy the Vault and end this crisis! To do that, you have to destabilise the reactor, but the entrance is locked. You'll need to reroute the power through six generators to get in.

POINT MAN

How needlessly convoluted. I hate to think what I have to do to actually destabilise that reactor.

NORTON MAPES

Oh, that's easy. You just shoot it. Like, once. Even a pistol will do.

POINT MAN

That at least makes sense, since a single gunshot from a pistol can create an impact hole like a drunk took a jackhammer to a wall.

ALMA WADE

Hissss!

POINT MAN enters the VAULT.

INT. VAULT - NIGHT

POINT MAN finds FETTEL crouched over ALICE'S CORPSE.

PAXTON FETTEL

Hello, brother. Harlan is in the next room. But instead of actually killing him, which is what Alma wants me to do, I'm just going to sit right here and allow you to shoot me in the face. With a pistol, since I just hallucinated away all your other weapons. Hope you weren't saving up ammo for an epic boss fight.

POINT MAN

Wait, if I've been reading Alma's cryptic communications correctly, it's her desire to reunite with me, her firstborn son. But she also compelled you to force the replica soldiers into killing everyone involved with the project.

PAXTON FETTEL

What's your point, man?

POINT MAN

Why did the soldiers try to kill me if they were under your, and therefore her control? Did I keep stealing your toys when we were kids or something?

PAXTON FETTEL

Does it matter? Our mother picked me! I'm the favourite!

POINT MAN shoots FETTEL in the FACE. He then finds HARLAN.

HARLAN WADE

I'm sure you've gathered by now that I'm an enormous asshole. Now I'm going to try and redeem myself by setting Alma free, which is just going to make things worse for everyone by setting the stage for multiple sequels. God, I'm such an asshole.

HARLAN releases ALMA, who promptly KILLS HIM.

POINT MAN

Grandpa!

ALMA WADE

Oh come on, you can't feel sorry for him. He actually once said "assfuck of the century!"

POINT MAN

Is that why everybody suddenly decided that little girls are scary? Walking metaphors for parental abandonment and teenage rebellion?

ALMA WADE

I'm pretty sure most teenagers weren't locked away by their fathers and forced to constantly bear children to be used for sick experiments.

POINT MAN

Say, now that Fettel's dead, who do I fight? All the replica soldiers are now moping around like Charlie Brown.

ALMA WADE

I'll manifest ghostly apparitions that bum rush you from everywhere! That way, we can combine the combat and horror elements that have thus far been strictly separated.

POINT MAN

Oh Lord. I really wish you'd told me that before I put one between Fettel's eyes.

After triggering a REACTOR MELTDOWN, POINT MAN escapes the VAULT. He is then caught by the resulting EXPLOSION.

INT. HELICOPTER - MORNING

A HELICOPTER extracts POINT MAN and JIN. They look at a NUCLEAR MUSHROOM CLOUD.

JIN SUN-KWON

You do realise that, because Alma had already been released, you just levelled half a city block for no good reason, right?

POINT MAN

It was all condemned apartment blocks and abandoned industrial buildings anyway. I do hope I didn't upset another paranormal murder mystery set there.

ALMA then appears from under the HELICOPTER.

ALMA WADE

Franchiiiise!

THE END