FADE IN:

INT. BLACK ARROW INTERROGATION ROOM

VICTOR COSTE is being INTERROGATED, which means his TESTIMONY will be used as a HAM-FISTED VOICE-OVER.

VICTOR COSTE

The thing you have to understand is this. The Splinter Cell you knew is dead. The developers killed it. They saw one too many Jason Bourne film. Assassin's Creed killed it. Its social stealth mechanic made Conviction's early design seem like a modern-day ripoff, forcing a retool. And digital rights management killed it, with its random disconnects as a result of constant data exchange to ineffectually combat piracy. Anyways, we start in Malta because why the fuck not?

EXT. MALTA

SAM FISHER is enjoying a TEXTURE MEANT TO REPRESENT FOOD when he gets a CALL.

SAM FISHER

Who is this?

ANNA GRÍMSDÓTTIR

Don't tell me you don't recognise my voice, Sam.

SAM FISHER

Actually, I just replayed Pandora Tomorrow, so no. How'd you find me?

ANNA GRÍMSDÓTTIR

We're Third Echelon, we've got an eye on everyone. Look up.

SAM FISHER

Is that a satellite off in the distance? Wouldn't it need to be right above me for it to see anything?

ANNA GRÍMSDÓTTIR

Okay fine, it's just a little blinking light we use to calibrate your mouselook! We tried to keep it within the story, but nooo! Anyways, there's a bunch of guys coming to kill you, but they're so inept that you probably could've taken them on even without my warning.

SAM rushes to COVER while the BAD GUYS announce their arrival by SHOOTING IN THE AIR.

SAM FISHER

Alright, time to put my years of training to good use.

(beat)

Oh dear, everything's changed! In that case, I'll briefly flash back to 20 years ago when I told my daughter how I killed people, except I disguised it as both a tutorial and an adorable story about monsters and mobiles.

A set of PROMPTS then informs SAM on how to AIMBOT BAD GUYS.

SAM FISHER

What the fuck is the point of wrapping up a tutorial in a flashback if the game later instructs me through annoying pop-ups anyway? You can just tell me if this was a piece of content someone desperately didn't want cut.

DEVELOPER UBISOFT MONTREAL

Hey random thug, casually walk past Fisher so he can try out the hand-to-hand takedown mechanic.

RANDOM THUG

Aw man, why you gotta do me like that?

SAM punches the RANDOM THUG in the throat. He does it LOUDLY and IN PLAIN SIGHT, but nobody notices.

SAM FISHER

Man, this game is piss easy when every enemy can't see or hear anything past ten yards.

ANNA GRÍMSDÓTTIR

The man sent to kill you is Dmitri Gramkos. Go interrogate him as brutally as possible.

SAM finds GRAMKOS, who retreats into a BATHROOM and fires a couple of shots THROUGH THE DOOR. Then he HOLSTERS his WEAPON for no reason as SAM busts in and grabs him by the THROAT, which apparently negates ALL INSTINCTIVE SELF-DEFENCE.

SAM FISHER

Who hired you?

DMITRI GRAMKOS

I'm not telling you!

SAM FISHER

Okay, then could we move slightly to the right?

DMITRI GRAMKOS

Why?

SAM FISHER

We need to be at the right angle for the smash-face-into-urinal animation.

This HAPPENS.

DMITRI GRAMKOS

Ow! Even though you've just caused me immeasurable pain, I'll continue to shoot down each question so you can bash my face in some more.

SAM FISHER

Who killed my daughter?

DMITRI GRAMKOS

Andriy Kobin! Here, I'll project his likeness onto the wall for you. He's at an old museum.

SAM FISHER

Thanks, dickweed. Now if this were Chaos Theory, I could've let you live. But now I have no choice but to crush your windpipe.

DMITRI GRAMKOS

Urk!

(dies)

INT. OLD MUSEUM - MALTA

We see a PRE-RENDERED FLYBY of the MUSEUM which segues into REAL-TIME FOOTAGE. The transition is UNNOTICABLE because it all STUTTERS JUST AS MUCH.

ANDRIY KOBIN

Sam Fisher is coming for me. If only I hadn't hired those guys to kill him, he probably would've never found out about me. Alright, everyone spread out so he can easily pick you off! You two, stand under that heavy object suspended by a single fragile cable! If someone sees him anywhere, focus solely on that spot and refuse to entertain the notion that he might move around! Be sure to pop out from cover in exactly the same way every time! And don't forget to constantly shout insulting gibes to increase his resolve to kill you!

SAM climbs up to a WINDOW and single-handedly pulls a THUG through it.

SAM FISHER

I think I've found a bug. Enemies turn to ragdolls not when they die, but as soon as I touch them. That was way too easy. Or maybe it's a gravity thing, because I myself seem to sidle along vertical surfaces like I weigh about 10 pounds.

DEVELOPER UBISOFT MONTREAL

It's not a bug, it's a feature!

SAM moves behind a DESK and suddenly ALL COLOUR FADES AWAY.

SAM FISHER

Why is everything turning monochrome? Oh God, is another flashback starting?

DEVELOPER UBISOFT MONTREAL

No, that means you're hidden and enemies can't see you.

SAM FISHER

My visibility is strictly binary? I guess that's pretty indicative of the AI routines I'm seeing here.

Eventually, SAM finds KOBIN.

SAM FISHER

Why did you kill my daughter?

ANDRIY KOBIN

I can't tell you! They'll kill me!

SAM FISHER

Of course, there's always a vague they calling the shots. Who?

As if to answer that question, a team of THIRD ECHELON AGENTS breaks in and rescues KOBIN.

ANNA GRÍMSDÓTTIR

Do as they say, Sam.

SAM FISHER

Ack, forced failure!

One of the AGENTS uses a REGULAR HANDGUN to fire a TRANQUILISER DART at SAM.

INT. PRICE AIRFIELD - VIRGINIA

SAM slowly wakes up as the PEOPLE around him continuously drop PLOT-RELEVANT INFORMATION. One of them is TOM REED, director of THIRD ECHELON.

TOM REED

To immediately come across as an unequivocally evil scumbag, let me just execute this guy here for having the nerve to complain about his pay.

He DOES.

TOM REED

Anna, find out why Fisher was going after Kobin.

ANNA GRÍMSDÓTTIR

What? Didn't we just establish that Kobin was a trap we specifically set up to capture Fisher?

TOM REED

Thank you for pointing out my complete and utter idiocy. Well, bye!

(leaves)

ANNA GRÍMSDÓTTIR

Listen carefully, Sam. I'm working with the President as a mole inside Third Echelon. They're working together with Black Arrow, a private military contractor.

SAM FISHER

Ah, a PMC. If the use of the 21st century's quintessential villain is any indication of the level of writing I can expect from this game, my guess is they're also using the quintessential weapon of mass destruction.

ANNA GRÍMSDÓTTIR

That's right, they're running stolen EMPs through Malta. I haven't watched any of the trailers, so I have no idea what they're planning.

SAM FISHER

How fortunate that I was at the exact same location for a completely different reason.

ANNA GRÍMSDÓTTIR

Yeah, about that. Get ready for the biggest ass pull in the series. Your daughter -- is alive!

SAM FISHER

That would mean I never even took a look at my daughter's corpse. Clearly I'm the best father ever.

ANNA GRÍMSDÓTTIR

We couldn't think of anything else to motivate you, because why would you help out a country that has repeatedly fucked you over?

SAM FISHER

Hey look, a button prompt that allows me to slap you!

SAM SLAPS the ACCENTS right off of ANNA'S SURNAME.

ANNA GRIMSDOTTIR

Now go kill lots of dudes. Here's a pistol.

SAM FISHER

Can I get some clips to go with that?

ANNA GRIMSDOTTIR

Oh, you've got infinite ammunition for your pistol. Goes with the whole gameplay redesign where you can't employ non-lethal measures.

SAM plows his way through the AIRFIELD, blows STUFF up because he can and eventually ESCAPES.

SAM FISHER

Now I'll call an old war buddy for help, because someone I fought and bled beside is surely someone I can trust implicitly.

DOUGLAS SHETLAND

Ha ha, no you can't. Oh wait, I'm dead.

SAM FISHER

Victor, I need your help.

VICTOR COSTE

Sure thing, Sam. Hey, remember when we served together in the Gulf?

SAM FISHER

It's alright, Victor. I've already mentioned you being my old war buddy, there's no need to --

VICTOR COSTE

FLASHBACK TIME!

EXT. IRAQ - 20 YEARS AGO

SAM and VICTOR think back to the days when they played GEARS OF WAR in IRAQ.

SAM FISHER

So our mission objective doesn't even matter? We're only here to get ambushed?

VICTOR COSTE

How about we tempt fate some more with a bit of good-natured banter about our kids?

They are AMBUSHED and suddenly we're controlling VICTOR.

SAM FISHER

I'm not even the playable character in my own goddamn flashback? Other than distracting from the immediacy of the main storyline, what possible purpose could it serve?

VICTOR COSTE

It cements the bond we share in an overly blatant fashion, of course!

SAM FISHER

That sure fits this game's very black-and-white characterisation where everyone's either good or evil without any middle ground. I mean, the only character with any ambiguous allegiance is Anna, and that's only because I've seen flash-forwards of her shooting me.

VICTOR COSTE

Well, now that that's behind us, let's meet at a fairground near a public landmark. That sounds pretty safe, right?

EXT. FAIRGROUND - WASHINGTON D.C.

SAM arrives at the FAIRGROUND.

VICTOR COSTE

Sam, I've got a couple of tails. You'll have to take them out before we can meet.

After finding and killing THREE BLACK ARROW MERCENARIES, SAM meets VICTOR.

VICTOR COSTE

You've taken out three tails? How do you know there aren't any more of them?

SAM FISHER

They were all helpfully pointed out to me. So, what do you have for me?

VICTOR COSTE

Your trademark pistol, an EMP backpack which stuns everyone but you, and a mission objective. There's some research going on at a facility called White Box, which is the best name we could come up with.

INT. WHITE BOX FACILITY - WASHINGTON D.C.

Even though VICTOR mentioned getting in through a BACK DOOR, SAM heads straight for the FRONT ENTRANCE, which only has ONE GUARD.

SAM FISHER

Well, at least the enemies have got consistency going for them. Their AI routines are just as dumb as their overall conspiracy.

Once inside, SAM witnesses the CLASSIC COVER-UP: MERCENARIES killing SCIENTISTS.

ANNA GRIMSDOTTIR

Sam, time for a tiny nibble on the carrot I'm dangling in front of you. I've got your daughter on the line.

SAM briefly converses with his DAUGHTER. Then he BLACKS OUT. When he comes to, SAM briefly converses with his DAUGHTER.

SAM FISHER

Wait a second. Didn't we already do this?

DEVELOPER UBISOFT MONTREAL

Attempting to restore network connection. The game will resume once the connection has been re-established. Please wait.

SAM FISHER

FUCK THE SHIT RIGHT OUT OF THIS!

The word ANGER is suddenly projected EVERYWHERE.

SAM FISHER

Oh gee thanks, I wasn't really sure what I was supposed to be feeling there.

After acquiring SOME FILES and making a COMPUTER set a guy ON FIRE SOMEHOW, SAM escapes.

EXT. LINCOLN MEMORIAL - WASHINGTON D.C.

Because every MEETING needs to take place near a PUBLIC LANDMARK, SAM arrives at the LINCOLN MEMORIAL.

ANNA GRIMSDOTTIR

Sam, the President wants to record a meeting between Reed and Lucius Galliard, head of Black Arrow. Hack the security system and use the cameras.

SAM FISHER

Oh God, I sense a lame minigame coming on.

Fortunately enough, SAM hacks the COMPUTER in a CUTSCENE by pressing a SINGLE KEY. He monitors the MEETING whick takes FOR FUCKING EVER but reveals NOTHING WORTHWHILE.

SAM FISHER

Enough of this pansy-ass remote surveillance bullshit. Time to beat the shit out of someone!

SAM grabs GALLIARD.

SAM FISHER

Tell me everything you know. And don't forget to resist exactly three times so I can make use of every interrogation cue around here.

LUCIUS GALLIARD

The EMPs are going off in a few hours! I'll also coincide my imminent death with namedropping something called Megiddo, making it all the more mysterious.

GALLIARD is suddenly SHOT by a HITMAN. SAM chases him.

HITMAN

Hey Fisher, I'm probably the nicest hitman in the world! Not only did I not kill you when I had a clear shot at both you and Galliard, I'll also politely wait around during this frantic chase so you can catch up!

The HITMAN makes it to his CAR, but it BLOWS UP.

ANNA GRIMSDOTTIR

Sam, are you okay?

SAM FISHER

My face hurts like hell from constantly scowling, but other than that, I'm fine.

ANNA GRIMSDOTTIR

Heads up, you've got Third Echelon agents incoming.

SAM evades the AGENTS thanks to their INABILITY TO LOOK UP.

INT. THIRD ECHELON - WASHINGTON D.C.

SAM must infiltrate THIRD ECHELON, which now advertises the location of its OFFICE despite being a SUPER DUPER SECRET AGENCY.

ANNA GRIMSDOTTIR

Please note the sweet irony of breaking into the very agency that has sent you out to infiltrate a great many places.

SAM FISHER

I find there to be greater irony in the fact that this place has just as many holes in its security. For instance, if you're going to litter the place with invisible lasers, don't time them so people can still weave through in a drawn-out fashion.

After rigging a few GENERATORS to blow, SAM walks up to the RECEPTION DESK.

RECEPTIONIST

Hello. My sole purpose is to irritate the living shit out of you, since failing to pass through the security gates will result in you having to slowly walk up to listen to me blab again and again.

SAM blows up the GENERATORS and makes it inside THIRD ECHELON.

ANNA GRIMSDOTTIR

I've got a man on the inside who'll give you your signature goggles, Sam.

SAM FISHER

Who do I look for?

ANNA GRIMSDOTTIR

Just keep an eye out for the most stereotypical lab geek you can think of.

SAM finds CHARLIE FRYMAN, who looks a lot like GEORGE COSTANZA.

CHARLIE FRYMAN

(sputtering like a fanboy)

Here are your goggles, Mr. Fisher. They in no way work like the ones you're used to, but they do allow you to see enemies through walls, which further diminishes the suspense of every encounter.

Eventually, SAM reaches REED'S OFFICE, where he finds KOBIN for some reason.

SAM FISHER

Kobin! Do you want to tell me what I need to know straight away or am I going to have to kick your ass all over again?

ANDRIY KOBIN

I can't tell you!

SAM FISHER

Right.

SAM punches KOBIN, kicks him off a BALCONY, smashes him into a TELEVISION SET and impales him with an AMERICAN FLAG. FOR JUSTICE!

ANDRIY KOBIN

They're going to take out the President when the EMPs hit! She won't play ball, but the Vice President is already in Megiddo's pocket! Also I like to wear ladies underwear sometimes!

SAM FISHER

This whole elaborate setup is a presidential assassination? Have you guys ever heard of sniper rifles?

SAM spares KOBIN'S LIFE and is then contacted by ANNA.

ANNA GRIMSDOTTIR

Sam, here's some proof that Sarah's death was faked for a good reason. But don't let that stop you from throwing a temper tantrum.

SAM gets PISSED THE FUCK OFF and suddenly gains the ability to INSTA-HEADSHOT EVERYONE.

SAM FISHER

Okay, I get that the game is going out of its way to make things easy for me, but am I now simply running around and mashing a single button to kill guys without any skill whatsoever involved? This is fucking ridiculous.

SAM escapes THIRD ECHELON by using the obligatory RUNNING-AWAY-FROM-EXPLOSION shot.

INT. WATER RESERVOIR - WASHINGTON D.C.

SAM heads for the location of one of the EMP BOMBS after asking VICTOR to pick up HIS DAUGHTER in a HELICOPTER, because that is clearly the safest mode of transportation when a bunch of EMPs are about to go off. Once there, he grabs a BLACK ARROW OFFICER.

BLACK ARROW OFFICER

There's a scientist inside! She knows how to stop the EMP!

SAM FISHER

Oh thanks, but I was really just punching and stabbing you because you've got a mullhawk. Seriously.

He finds the SCIENTIST being held at gunpoint by a MERCENARY.

MERCENARY

Hey Fisher, I'm probably the nicest mercenary in the world! Not only will I not eliminate the only method of finding out how to stop the EMP, I'll also give away my position by relentlessly taunting you!

SAM drops in, marks the MERCENARY and then SHOOTS HIM THROUGH A WALL.

MERCENARY

OMFG WALLHACK!

(dies)

SCIENTIST

Please don't kill me!

SAM FISHER

Couldn't even if I wanted to. Mind getting out of the way? You're blocking the only way out of this room.

SCIENTIST

That's kinda the point, I have important information for you. To stop the EMP, you'll need to take out two generators at the same time. Taking out one will cause the other to trigger the EMP.

SAM FISHER

Shouldn't be a problem. When I broke into Third Echelon, I used some C4 to simultaneously blow up two generators.

SCIENTIST

Yeah, but you inexplicably have none left, so how about a horribly complicated plan that involves the helicopter that's carrying your daughter?

SAM FISHER

Works for me!

A LEVEL TRANSITION suddenly ROBS SAM of his GEAR. He still manages to easily dispatch the MERCENARIES because they're all very eager to line up and look over the LEDGE he's dangling from.

SAM FISHER

Now I'll just utter a laconic comment on my own performance, thereby indicating that there are no more enemies in the immediate area and removing all possible tension.

SAM sees the first GENERATOR with TWO MERCENARIES standing next to it. He throws an EMP GRENADE which STUNS the MERCENARIES but doesn't damage the GENERATOR, which is THE OPPOSITE OF HOW EMP WORKS. He TAGS it and moves on to find the SECOND ONE. Then, an ATTACK HELICOPTER flies in.

HELICOPTER PILOT

Hey Fisher, I'm probably the nicest fighter pilot in the world! Not only will I fire at you only in easily predictable intervals, I'll also consistently hover away from you so you can keep cover between me and yourself!

Eventually, SAM tags the SECOND GENERATOR, which allows VICTOR to fly in and BLOW THEM UP along with the ATTACK HELICOPTER. SAM is then reunited with his DAUGHTER, SARAH.

SARAH FISHER

They told me you were dead!

SAM FISHER

Really? Double Agent ended with me all over the news.

SARAH FISHER

Look, don't start questioning the details. All I am is a convenient way to both humanise you and give you a relatable motive.

VICTOR COSTE

Come on, let's go help out Anna at the White House! We'll take Sarah with us and thereby put her at risk some more!

EXT. DOWNTOWN DISTRICT - WASHINGTON D.C.

The REMAINING EMP BOMBS go off and knock out WASHINGTON D.C.'S POWER GRID.

SAM FISHER

EMPs really work according to whatever rules each individual writer makes up, don't they? I mean, they were totally harmless in Ocean's Eleven but here they cause explosions and general chaos.

The HELICOPTER is then SHOT DOWN by a MISSILE, because the EMP apparently wasn't a good enough reason to CRASH.

SAM FISHER

Hey, we just survived a helicopter crash! Let's throw around some light-hearted remarks about that!

VICTOR COSTE

I'll take care of Sarah, Sam. Head for the White House.

On his way, SAM walks past several SUFFERING CIVILIANS who exist solely to emphasise the DRAMA of the EMP ATTACKS.

SAM FISHER

Now I finally feel what it's like to move around unseen. These people couldn't care less that a heavily armed man is walking right past them.

INT. WHITE HOUSE - WASHINGTON D.C.

SAM enters the WHITE HOUSE, a location so often used in recent games that NOBODY GIVES A SHIT ANYMORE.

ANNA GRIMSDOTTIR

Sam, they're guarding the Vice President in the ball room. Why they'd keep the linchpin of their entire plan in the middle of a goddamn warzone is beyond me.

SAM finds VICE PRESIDENT SAMSON hiding ON A STAGE UNDER A SPOTLIGHT next to FOUR GUARDS.

VICE PRESIDENT SAMSON

I'm the linchpin of this entire plan. Why am I being kept in the middle of a goddamn warzone with only four guards?

GUARD

Don't worry, sir. I doubt Fisher's got that many marks.

SAM FISHER

Guess again!

SAM AIMBOTS the GUARDS and grabs VICE PRESIDENT SAMSON.

VICE PRESIDENT SAMSON

You can't touch me. I'm bulletproof.

SAM FISHER

I will put that metaphor to the test!

SAM shoots VICE PRESIDENT SAMSON in the KNEECAPS.

VICE PRESIDENT SAMSON

Ow! If only I had stuck to the "untouchable" metaphor. A punch to the face would've been enough of a dramatic gesture for that.

Eventually, SAM reaches ANNA.

ANNA GRIMSDOTTIR

Reed just entered the Oval Office. To get close to him, I'll need to shoot you in the shoulder, because if movies have taught me anything, it's that that's a totally non-lethal wound which won't impair your performance in the slightest.

ANNA puts one in SAM'S SHOULDER and leads him into the OVAL OFFICE, where REED has the PRESIDENT at gunpoint.

TOM REED

Anna, I see you've captured Fisher. The fact that the man who ruthlessly killed hundreds of people was just taken down by a desk jockey doesn't make me trust you any less. Now, instead of actually carrying out my plan in full, I'm going to pace back and forth and gloat about the parts that have worked so far!

SAM sees a PROMPT telling him to GRAB REED.

TOM REED

Whoa, what was that?

SAM FISHER

Nothing! You were saying?

TOM REED

Right. Now I'm going to let you take the fall for the President's death.

SAM FISHER

You're going to frame me for killing the President? Good job on trying to keep me alive throughout this entire game.

The GRAB PROMPT appears again.

TOM REED

Seriously, what is that? I can't read upside down.

SAM FISHER

It says to grab you, motherfucker!

SAM disarms REED.

SAM FISHER

The only reason you're still alive is I want to see if you have any more lines.

TOM REED

Bad move, Fisher. Because now I can still insultingly retcon Double Agent's entire story into a massive setup by Megiddo to install me as Third Echelon's director!

ANNA GRIMSDOTTIR

Jesus, shut him up!

TOM REED

Now, Pandora Tomorrow was actually --

ANNA GRIMSDOTTIR

AAAAAAAAH!

ANNA shoots REED in the FACE.

ANNA GRIMSDOTTIR

Well, glad that's over.

SAM FISHER

Okay, let's recap. So we've had a PMC plotting a domestic terrorist threat using EMPs, a tech-savvy voice in my ear, a female U.S. President weighing in on field operations, the 25th amendment, my daughter used as leverage, brutal and instantly effective interrogation techniques, and ultimately a mysterious entity pulling strings from the shadows.

(beat)

Did I just play all seasons of 24?

SAM is suddenly GUNNED DOWN by JACK BAUER.

JACK BAUER

Nobody plays me and gets away with it.

THE END