FADE IN:

INT. MOTEL ROOM - ENRICHMENT CENTRE

CHELL wakes up in what seems like a MOTEL ROOM IN 1970.

MALE ANNOUNCER

Greetings, test subject. Welcome to Aperture Science. There is a painting on the wall. Please stare at the art.

CHELL

Haha, that's genius! "Stare at the art!" Brilliant! Let's turn that into a meme right fucking now!

MALE ANNOUNCER

Oh God, go back to sleep. We'll get back to you when the Internet has ceased to exist.

CHELL gets back in BED. An UNSPECIFIED AMOUNT OF TIME passes, after which she is AWAKENED by a PERSONALITY CORE called WHEATLEY.

WHEATLEY

Hello, is anyone in there?

CHELL

Holy shit, it's Stephen Merchant's voice!

WHEATLEY

Yeah, he thought this voice acting gig would be a refreshing change from constantly having to make Ricky Gervais seem like less of a loser by comparison. Wish I could have seen his face when he realised that all my lines consist of the same oblivious blather that has typecast him.

CHELL

So you're a personality core with a flawless West Country accent. Then why did a far more advanced artificial intelligence like GLaDOS still use a distorted text-to-speech voice?

WHEATLEY

Because that's what made her menacing. My accent makes it impossible for me to pull off menace, which you may or may not find out later on. Now let's get you out of here!

WHEATLEY transports the entire MOTEL ROOM to the ENRICHMENT CENTRE, partially DESTROYING it in the process.

DEVELOPER VALVE SOFTWARE

Cinematic physics! Notice them!

INT. DECAYED FACILITY - ENRICHMENT CENTRE

CHELL enters a TEST CHAMBER, which is DILAPIDATED and OVERGROWN.

WHEATLEY

I can only help you escape after you've passed a couple of these test chambers. This will be the first of many excuses to still put you through a bunch of puzzles for the rest of the game.

CHELL acquires a PORTAL GUN and works her way through THE SAME TEST CHAMBERS FROM PORTAL.

CHELL

Hey, this radio is playing a song from The National. How ironic that an indie band is featured in a sequel that has abandoned the indie roots of its predecessor.

WHEATLEY then guides her into a MAINTENANCE AREA.

WHEATLEY

Alright, we will have to pass through the chamber that houses GLaDOS. But don't worry, she's been destroyed.

CHELL

Then why has she been narrating all the preview trailers?

WHEATLEY

Okay fine, we all know she's going to be reawakened. Let's get on with it.

GLADOS is accidentally REASSEMBLED and gains IMMEDIATE CONTROL over EVERYTHING.

GLADOS

Oh, it's you. And a personality core that actually talks back to me. Does this mean I no longer have the entire game on my shoulders?

WHEATLEY

This is a standalone sequel. We can't rely on rabid fanboys to build a legacy out of a minimalistic story anymore.

GLADOS

They'll probably still try their hardest. Oh well, time for tests!

GLADOS crushes WHEATLEY and deposits CHELL into an INCINERATOR.

INT. REBUILT FACILITY - ENRICHMENT CENTRE

CHELL ends up in an INCINERATOR ROOM which looks like the CITADEL after it's been DESTROYED.

GLADOS

I noticed there's more animators working on this game now. I'll put them through their paces by making every other wall panel movable.

GLADOS begins to REBUILD the ENRICHMENT CENTRE.

CHELL

Whoa, some of these chambers are huge!

GLADOS

That's why you've got a zoom function now. Just squint really hard.

Suddenly, WHEATLEY appears.

WHEATLEY

Hey, I'm still alive! Get it? Still alive? It's the same --

CHELL

I GET IT!

WHEATLEY

We can defeat GLaDOS, but first we have to corrupt the turret assembly line and destroy all the neurotoxin gas to remove her offensive capabilities.

CHELL

She'll still be plenty offensive. I mean, she called me fat!

CHELL does ALL THAT, is SEPARATED from WHEATLEY, and ends up in GLADOS' CHAMBER.

INT. GLADOS CHAMBER - ENRICHMENT CENTRE

CHELL finds herself inside a HOLDING CELL.

GLADOS

Hah, I've got you trapped! I could just wait for you to starve to death, but I'll speed things up by positioning a few turrets around you.

A bunch of HILARIOUSLY RETARDED TURRETS appear.

GLADOS

Goodness, why did I insist on getting these turrets fresh off the assembly line you corrupted? Rather than fetch a couple of working ones that are still placed all over the facility, I'll just break out the neurotoxin gas!

The NEUROTOXIN GAS EMITTER deposits WHEATLEY instead.

WHEATLEY

Plug me into that socket over there so I can override GLaDOS! Do it!

GLADOS

No, don't do it!

CHELL

You two can bicker all you like, there's only one thing I can do if I want to progress.

CHELL replaces GLADOS' CORE with WHEATLEY.

GLADOS

Great, now look what you've done. I guess I'll do the only thing I have left, which is really what I've been doing this whole time: talk shit. Hey Wheatley, did you know you were specifically designed to be an idiot?

WHEATLEY

Then why was I tasked with monitoring over 10,000 test subjects, eh?

GLADOS

The 10,000 test subjects who all died, except for the only one who was actually supposed to?

WHEATLEY

I am outraged! And also mad with power! I think I'll upload you to a potato battery!

POTADOS

Whoa, I'm a potato! How zany is that? The story is going to have to take some really outrageous turns to top that!

WHEATLEY throws CHELL and POTADOS down into the CONDEMNED PART of the FACILITY.

INT. CONDEMNED FACILITY - ENRICHMENT CENTRE

After a BIRD flies off with POTADOS, CHELL enters a bunch of 1970S ERA TEST CHAMBERS. She triggers PRERECORDED MESSAGES from CAVE JOHNSON, CEO of APERTURE SCIENCE.

CAVE JOHNSON

Greetings, test subject! I'm Cave Johnson, and I'm completely certifiable. This allows the writers to pass off the most inconsequentially random nonsense as comedy. They didn't even need J.K. Simmons to voice my lines!

CHELL

Man, how big is this place?

CAVE JOHNSON

Huge! But at least we don't have to pretend this is a decommissioned missile silo, like those clowns over at Black Mesa! Now go do some tests involving gels. Good thing this game's focus on humour negates the need to rationally explain their physics.

CHELL completes a series of TESTS and eventually finds POTADOS.

POTADOS

I can help you defeat Wheatley, because I'm a sympathetic character now. If you want me to keep dishing out morbidly sarcastic barbs, go play the co-op campaign. Anyway, we can use a logical paradox to shut him down.

CHELL

Ironic, given that it was a paradox that put him in charge.

POTADOS

What do you mean?

CHELL

You had complete control over every aspect of the facility, yet you couldn't remove the equipment I used to replace your core with Wheatley's. Omnipotence paradox, bitch.

POTADOS

Does not compute. Bleep bleep click.

CHELL sticks POTADOS onto her PORTAL GUN and heads back up to the REBUILT FACILITY.

INT. REBUILT FACILITY - ENRICHMENT CENTRE

WHEATLEY has been designing TEST CHAMBERS of his own.

WHEATLEY

Hey, take a look at these neat walking turret cubes I've made.

POTADOS

Time to paradox you to death! This statement is false!

The WALKING TURRET CUBES are all FRIED, but WHEATLEY is UNAFFECTED.

WHEATLEY

Seriously? Those monstrosities are smarter than me?

POTADOS

I guess you'll have to complete his tests while I think of something else.

WHEATLEY

Yay, more tests! Also, apparently I get a euphoric response every time you complete one.

CHELL

That's all I need. Every test chamber ending with Stephen Merchant climaxing.

WHEATLEY

I'll drop a whole range of voyeuristic and downright pornographic insinuations as well!

CHELL works her way through WHEATLEY'S TEST CHAMBERS.

WHEATLEY

Unngh. Keep going. Faster. No, slower!

CHELL

That's it, I'm out of here.

WHEATLEY

Fine! I'll try to kill you horribly then. I could maybe do that by disabling that excursion funnel as it's transporting you across a bottomless pit, but I'm a complete moron, so I'll just use some comically ineffective methods instead.

Eventually, CHELL reaches WHEATLEY'S CHAMBER.

INT. WHEATLEY CHAMBER - ENRICHMENT CENTRE

WHEATLEY challenges CHELL.

WHEATLEY

I've reviewed your battle with GLaDOS and I've learned from her mistakes! Now fight me as I make a whole bunch of new ones!

POTADOS

Yes, this boss battle is the exact opposite of the one that ended the previous game.

CHELL

Meaning it's not absurdly clever and gratifying?

POTADOS

No, meaning you have to place corrupted cores onto Wheatley's main body instead of removing working ones.

CHELL

Oh right.

CHELL almost manages to disable WHEATLEY, but he uses a BOMB to knock her down. The BLAST also opens a hole in the ROOF, which reveals the MOON.

CHELL

I sure hope this portal gun has infinite range! Oh wait, nothing needs to make sense.

She fires a PORTAL at the MOON and somehow ends up right next to an APOLLO LANDING SITE. WHEATLEY is SUCKED OUT INTO SPACE, while POTADOS saves CHELL and REINSTALLS herself.

GLADOS

That shit was seriously wacky! I was a potato! You were on the moon! Confetti!

CHELL

So what happens now?

GLADOS

I might still kill you! But I won't. Wait, I'm not sure. Yes! No, I'll let you go. And then kill you! Or not.

CHELL rides an ELEVATOR up past A CHOIR OF TURRETS humming an ITALIAN ARIA, because at this point, WHATEVER, RIGHT? An EPILOGUE shows WHEATLEY trying desperately to be 343 GUILTY SPARK.

DEVELOPER VALVE SOFTWARE

Let's hope this will keep people occupied enough to stop bitching about Half-Life 3.

THE END