FADE IN:

INT. RAPTURE - TEN YEARS AGO

We're still in RAPTURE. Instantly we know DEVELOPER 2K MARIN couldn't give a FUCK.

SUBJECT DELTA

Okay, why am I banging on this Little Sister vent? Am I a Big Daddy now?

DEVELOPER 2K MARIN

Yes, but not one of the lumbering behemoths that made the previous game so iconic. You're a prototype Alpha Series, saving us the trouble of having to retcon one of the original Big Daddies into a playable character.

A young ELEANOR LAMB emerges from the VENT.

ELEANOR LAMB

Look, daddy! I made a puppet of you!

SUBJECT DELTA

I'm instantly endeared to you, even though you're superficially no different from any other Little Sister. Now let's go. Those corpses aren't going to stab and drain themselves of ADAM.

ELEANOR makes the CLASSIC HORROR MOVIE MISTAKE and RUSHES OFF on her own. She is AMBUSHED and DELTA gets HYPNOTISED. SOFIA LAMB enters.

SOFIA LAMB

Unhand my daughter, you lout. Now kill yourself, please.

SUBJECT DELTA

What is it with mind control and politeness? I'd like to have one where people tell me to do things "right the fuck now." At least there's some honesty to that.

DELTA shoots himself in the HEAD.

INT. ADONIS LUXURY RESORT - RAPTURE

Ten years later, DELTA is REVIVED.

SUBJECT DELTA

Hey, a sequel where the protagonist dies in the first few minutes only to be brought back to life. That's never been done recently. So, how am I alive?

DEVELOPER 2K MARIN

We've got Vita-Chambers that can bring people back from the dead. You know, like they do all the goddamn time in Lost and Heroes.

SUBJECT DELTA

But I disabled the Vita-Chambers in the options menu because they're retarded!

DEVELOPER 2K MARIN

Great, we tried to include an optional gameplay device as a crucial part of the story, and all we did was point out the disconnect between the two.

DELTA is contacted by BRIGID TENENBAUM.

BRIGID TENENBAUM

I am back from the previous game, though I'm handled in such a loose fashion that my role could've just as easily been filled by any other character or even removed entirely.

SUBJECT DELTA

Wait, wasn't it Bridgette first? You're greatly confusing this short script's author.

BRIGID TENENBAUM

See? Even my first name doesn't matter. Anyways, you need to find that Little Sister from the intro or you'll die.

SUBJECT DELTA

That's my motivation for the rest of the game? Sounds like you took the screenwriting manual's chapter on emotional attachments a little too literally.

BRIGID TENENBAUM

She's even going to relentlessly remind you of it through psychic communications. Here she goes!

A CREEPY BLURRED FACE hovers in front of DELTA.

ELEANOR LAMB

Fathahhh, to reiterate, you must find me! To help you, I somehow managed to anticipate your entire path through Rapture, allowing me to leave all the necessary plasmids and tools around for you to acquire.

After acquiring FORCE LIGHTNING, DELTA meets with BRIGID TENENBAUM behind a convenient PANE OF GLASS.

SUBJECT DELTA

I see you've got your own character model now. Shame it looks like the farmer's wife in American Gothic.

BRIGID TENENBAUM

Just more proof that the developers don't give a shit about me. Fuck it, I'll let another citizen of Rapture that nobody's heard of until now take over. Please hold off the imminent wave of Splicers so that I may disappear from this series forever.

A bunch of SPLICERS swarms in.

SPLICER #1

Hey, I've got a wrench as a melee weapon! Notice it!

SPLICER #2

And I'm using a golf club! I'm literally beating you over the head with an unsubtle reference!

DELTA kills the SPLICERS. He is then contacted by AUGUSTUS SINCLAIR, whose character model looks like LARRY LAFFER.

AUGUSTUS SINCLAIR

Hey, daddy-o! Name's Augustus Sinclair, and I'm a hep cat, y'hear? Yes, I'll incessantly be using this here period slang. Now why don't you venture on yonder?

DELTA walks through a ROOM which suddenly becomes FLOODED. He heads out onto the OCEAN FLOOR and gets a prompt on how to perform a JUMP while a SHARK swims by, allowing that JOKE to WRITE ITSELF. Eventually, he boards a MONORAIL.

INT. RYAN AMUSEMENTS - RAPTURE

Because the way ahead is BLOCKED by a WALL OF ICE, DELTA can't go further than RYAN AMUSEMENTS.

AUGUSTUS SINCLAIR

Oh dear, it appears there's an obstacle blocking the way forward.

SUBJECT DELTA

Good to see we're rehashing BioShock's level structure along with every other asset.

AUGUSTUS SINCLAIR

You're gonna have to acquire a plasmid to burn your way past it, son. You'll need some ADAM for that.

SUBJECT DELTA

Ah, say no more. I know exactly what to do.

DELTA ventures into RYAN AMUSEMENTS and comes across a LITTLE SISTER, who's being protected by a BIG DADDY.

SUBJECT DELTA

Here we go. Now first an arduous battle with the Big Daddy --

BIG DADDY

Hey Delta, haven't seen you in a while. Catch the Raiders game last night?

SUBJECT DELTA

Right, I'm actually killing my own kind now! What a quandary!

BIG DADDY

I actually meant to say "Gnnuuuurrrrrr."

SUBJECT DELTA

Better.

DELTA kills the BIG DADDY, whose LITTLE SISTER solemnly weeps by his CORPSE and then UTTERLY FORGETS ABOUT HIM.

SUBJECT DELTA

And I can rescue the Little Sister to acquire the precious ADAM, even though the last game illustrated that a specific gene tonic is needed to do that.

(beat)

Wait, what the fuck is this shit? "Adopt?"

AUGUSTUS SINCLAIR

Things have changed, son. If you want all the ADAM, you'll have to adopt that Little Sister and guide her to a very specific corpse. She'll show you the way.

The LITTLE SISTER guides DELTA by way of what looks like THE WORLD'S SLOWEST CUMSHOT.

SUBJECT DELTA

Gross.

LITTLE SISTER

I've chosen that corpse over there! The one that's lying in a room with loads of entrances leading to it, allowing the Splicers to bum rush you!

AUGUSTUS SINCLAIR

Now protect the Little Sister while she extracts ADAM from the corpse.

SUBJECT DELTA

Area defence? That means this sequel basically amounts to that one escort level from BioShock stretched over the duration of an entire game. I'm so very much looking forward to this.

AUGUSTUS SINCLAIR

Oh, it gets worse. You can ultimately still choose between rescuing or harvesting her, but either one will net you enough ADAM to complete the current objective. This has about the same diminishing effect on the gravity of your choice as those teddy bears.

ELEANOR LAMB

Oh right, teddy bears filled with ADAM! Have several of those too.

AUGUSTUS SINCLAIR

Finally, you'll have to deposit your Little Sister in a vent. The closest one is located waaaaay at the other end of the level.

DEVELOPER 2K MARIN

And just in case the last game didn't cram Andrew Ryan's objectivist philosophy down your throat deep enough, here it is again in the form of an amusement ride!

DELTA finds the VENT and RESCUES the LITTLE SISTER.

SUBJECT DELTA

Okay, I've got the ADAM. That was it, right? I can go now?

AUGUSTUS SINCLAIR

There's one last thing.

Several VIOLINS are rubbed together as a BIG SISTER approaches.

BIG SISTER

SCREEEEEEEEEEE! I'M PISSED OFF!

SUBJECT DELTA

Oh, there's a Big Sister now? If BioShock's ecological nomenclature is followed to its logical conclusion, that would make me a Little Daddy. Fitting, since being shot by a puny pistol knocks off half my hit points and walking around has absolutely no feeling of weight to it.

DELTA kills the BIG SISTER and retrieves more ADAM from her CORPSE.

SUBJECT DELTA

For fuck's sake, it's the second level and already I'm swimming in ADAM. That was a pretty elaborate mission objective, even for this series' standards.

AUGUSTUS SINCLAIR

Mission objective? Oh no, this is a process you're going to have to go through on each level.

SUBJECT DELTA

Oh happy day.

After BURNING AWAY the WALL OF ICE, DELTA moves ahead.

INT. PAUPER'S DROP - RAPTURE

The next station is BLOCKED by GRACE HOLLOWAY, a PERSONIFIED OBSTACLE.

GRACE HOLLOWAY

This here's Pauper's Drop, the poorest, most run-down district of Rapture. But not so poor that it don't feature a sophisticated security system I just used to remotely shut down your train!

AUGUSTUS SINCLAIR

Get the override from Grace, son. She's holed up in my old hotel, which I utterly neglected to maintain. Note that my cutthroat business practices give my character depth when contrasted with my obnoxiously cheery disposition.

DELTA heads for the SINCLAIR DELUXE, but the entrance is CAVED IN by a BRUTE SPLICER.

AUGUSTUS SINCLAIR

Whoop, another obstacle! Fancy that!

SUBJECT DELTA

A detour within a detour? Sure, why not! As long as each one fortuitously keeps leading me to uncover critical plot points.

SOFIA LAMB

That's my cue! I am Sofia Lamb, and I control Rapture now. Using pheromones and religion, I converted all the Splicers to a collectivist ideology.

SUBJECT DELTA

Now I'm really curious to find out how your absence from the previous game is going to be rationalised.

SOFIA LAMB

Political prisoner records wiped something something.

DELTA finds a way past the RUBBLE and reaches GRACE HOLLOWAY.

GRACE HOLLOWAY

There you are, you monster. It would be pretty fucking ridiculous to use a stereotypical female blues singer for a boss fight, so I'm just going to stand here and do nothing. I can see you're struggling with the moral decision about what to do with me!

SUBJECT DELTA

Really? You're talking to a guy in a diving suit. I can only emote through vaguely human grunts and pounding on things. So what's in it for me if I spare you?

GRACE HOLLOWAY

I'll decide to help you on your quest for a while but then disappear completely without any explanation.

SUBJECT DELTA

Works for me. Bye!

AUGUSTUS SINCLAIR

Mighty white of you, son. Now head to Dyonisus Park.

INT. SIREN'S ALLEY - RAPTURE

DEVELOPER 2K MARIN has reached the T in the OBSTACLE DICTIONARY and shoots a TORPEDO at DELTA'S MONORAIL.

AUGUSTUS SINCLAIR

Dyonisus Park has been flooded! Looks like you'll have to head into Siren Alley to drain it. Also, I'm stuck in the monorail which is slowly losing oxygen, but take as long as you please.

SUBJECT DELTA

And the detours just keep getting more impressive! Now it's a complete level unto itself! I wonder what bizarre character I will encounter here.

SIMON WALES

Greetings! I'm as ludicrously crazy as any other Splicer, but I combine that with a devout religious vocation. This allows me to draw my lines from an established biblical vernacular without any genuinely original writing being required. So yeah, savior anointed deliver hallowed evil demiurge almighty.

DELTA heads into SIREN ALLEY and meets the RUMBLER, an UNUSED ASSET FROM BIOSHOCK.

RUMBLER

Hi, I'm a new type of Big Daddy.

The RUMBLER fires lots of ROCKETS but DELTA uses FORCE GRIP to fling them right back at him.

RUMBLER

Well, I can see why I was cut from the original BioShock. I'm a complete fucking idiot!

(dies)

DELTA finds SIMON WALES.

SUBJECT DELTA

So do I have a moral choice regarding your fate too?

SIMON WALES

Nope, I'm your typical humdrum boss character, which means I'm a regular Splicer but with more health and a special hat.

SIMON WALES gets SMOTE. DELTA activates a PUMPING STATION which drains DYONISUS PARK.

INT. DIONYSUS PARK - RAPTURE

With DYONISUS PARK having recently been FLOODED, the LEVEL DESIGNERS copied and pasted the same piece of CORAL EVERYWHERE.

DEVELOPER 2K MARIN

We couldn't really come up with a proper mission objective for this level, so we just made it the Little Sister gathering mechanic.

SUBJECT DELTA

And how are you fitting that into the storyline?

DEVELOPER 2K MARIN

ADAM pretty much lets us do anything. So now, when the Little Sisters gather ADAM, it also generates genetic memories that a certain character might not want to see come to light.

STANLEY POOLE

That's me! I may look and sound about as untrustworthy as possible, but you still have to do as I say! Deal with the Little Sisters and I'll unlock the station.

DELTA finds THREE LITTLE SISTERS and ADOPTS THEM.

SUBJECT DELTA

Hang on, I was told that I was the first Big Daddy to be successfully pairbonded to a Little Sister, which is why my separation from Eleanor is slowly killing me right now. How come I can still adopt a bunch of other ones without any consequence whatsoever?

ELEANOR LAMB

Yeah, it kinda feels like you're cheating on me.

DELTA ultimately RESCUES the LITTLE SISTERS, after which STANLEY allows him to go on.

SOFIA LAMB

Oh hey, before you go, you should know that Stanley ratted you out to Andrew Ryan, which led to you being used for sick experiments and turned into a Big Daddy. He was also responsible for Eleanor's transformation into a Little Sister and flooding Dyonisus Park to cover up the evidence, which killed everyone in it.

SUBJECT DELTA

What? Are you going to help me too if I let you live?

STANLEY POOLE

No, I'm just going to snivel and whine like a little bitch.

SUBJECT DELTA

Not a single redeemable quality on you. You're lucky I'm shooting for the good ending here, otherwise I'd take this drill to your nads. I forgive you reluctantly.

DELTA spares STANLEY and heads for FONTAINE FUTURISTICS.

INT. FONTAINE FUTURISTICS - RAPTURE

DELTA is accosted by a FLYING ROBOT controlled by GIL ALEXANDER, who is BUTTFUCK CRAZY.

GIL ALEXANDER

Hello, random person. I managed to record a number of sequential logs in which I accurately predicted all the things I would do after going insane. I also timed them to play right when very specific conditions are met. Now turn on the power.

SUBJECT DELTA

Where's that?

GIL ALEXANDER

Do you hear the Disney sparkling noises? Follow those.

After turning on the POWER, DELTA sees GIL ALEXANDER, who has turned into a BIG JAR OF MASHED POTATOES.

SUBJECT DELTA

Whoa, what the fuck?

GIL ALEXANDER

Because each new character has to be more eccentric than the last, I am a failed attempt at the experiment Sofia Lamb has planned for Eleanor. I was infused with the collective minds of Rapture's citizens using ADAM, thereby becoming the physical answer to the question of what the common good is. This left me horribly mutated, but my ability to ramble madly hasn't been impaired in the slightest!

SUBJECT DELTA

You're a human manifestation of communism? And you're an unstable and incoherent mess. How apt. And also fucking ridiculous.

GIL ALEXANDER

Well, the most interesting aspect of BioShock was gradually uncovering everything that led to Rapture's demise. Now that its perfectly self-contained story has been told without any loose threads to spin out, the developers had no choice but to introduce this outlandish and far-fetched series of events and characters.

SOFIA LAMB

Hey, at least I have a plan. Andrew Ryan didn't have one, unless you count "desperately clinging to the remnants of a city betrayed by the ideals it was built on."

SUBJECT DELTA

Whatever. Let's see if this level's mission objective matches its far-fetched outlandishness.

DELTA is ordered to draw out GIL ALEXANDER by PICKING SOME FLOWERS.

SUBJECT DELTA

Seriously? You want some mushy poetry to go with that?

Eventually, DELTA acquires GIL ALEXANDER'S KEY to PERSEPHONE.

GIL ALEXANDER

And now another moral choice! For you see, my audio logs may be imploring you to kill what I have become, but my current form is begging you to spare me from the wishes of a man who is by all accounts dead and gone. Not as clear-cut as the others, eh?

SUBJECT DELTA

I want the good ending, so I'm not risking it. Have fun soaking in your pickle jar.

GIL ALEXANDER

Hah! Somehow the developers consider killing me as the right thing to do. Joke's on you, numbnuts.

INT. OUTER PERSEPHONE - RAPTURE

DELTA sees ELEANOR LAMB lying inside a QUARANTINE ROOM. After fighting TWO BIG SISTERS, he walks up to her.

SUBJECT DELTA

Alright, we're pretty much at the game's mid-point. Time for the big reveal!

SOFIA LAMB

Surprise! The reveal is that I've been sitting at Eleanor's bedside this whole time. I'm just going to kill her now, which will put you in a coma.

SUBJECT DELTA

But there was an audio diary that said the Alpha Series went batshit crazy if their Little Sisters were killed. Why would I lapse into a coma? Are things just being changed around to fit the immediate situation without any regard for overall consistency?

SOFIA LAMB

Silence! MOTHER SMOTHER!

SOFIA starts CHOKING ELEANOR with a PILLOW.

SUBJECT DELTA

No! Damn this glass which my drill somehow won't pierce!

ELEANOR DIES and DELTA lapses into a COMA.

INT. INNER PERSEPHONE - RAPTURE

DELTA wakes up strapped to a GURNEY.

ELEANOR LAMB

Don't worry, fathahhh, I'm still alive. I'm sending over a Little Sister. You can transfer your consciousness to her and control her actions.

SUBJECT DELTA

How is that even possible?

DEVELOPER 2K MARIN

ADAM LETS US DO ANYTHING!

DELTA experiences what it's like to be a LITTLE SISTER. It makes RAPTURE look like THAT MANSION FROM EYES WIDE SHUT, except without all the SEX.

SUBJECT DELTA

Why am I also seeing the world as conditioned by a Little Sister? Isn't this still my consciousness we're working with?

ELEANOR LAMB

That's almost as good a question as why you can lug around a heavy Big Sister suit with your tiny frail arms.

DELTA collects the necessary parts which allows ELEANOR to transform into a BIG SISTER. She then frees him from the GURNEY.

ELEANOR LAMB

Even though my suit has exposed parts of cloth to give you the confused notion that I'm sexy, whereas regular Big Sister suits are completely armoured, I am utterly invincible. In fact, here's a plasmid that summons me during a battle and completely emasculates you.

SUBJECT DELTA

Right, because I definitely need another way to make things easier, besides that other plasmid that hypnotises enemies by covering them in boiling snot. And naturally I still have all my weapons after being held captive.

ELEANOR LAMB

Now let's escape Rapture. There's a lifeboat owned by Augustus Sinclair we can use to get to the surface. I can teleport aboard it, but you'll have to find another way in.

SUBJECT DELTA

Why not just give me the teleport plasmid you're using?

ELEANOR LAMB

Don't be silly. I can teleport so the developers can skimp on pathfinding code, just like I'm wearing a diving helmet with reflective face plating to forgo lip-synching. You'll need to complete a convoluted series of tasks to get there.

SUBJECT DELTA

Which is?

AUGUSTUS SINCLAIR

Oh no, I've been turned into a Big Daddy and I'm running away with the key to my lifeboat, forcing you to chase and kill me!

SOFIA LAMB

And I've flooded the lifeboat's ballast tanks and set demolition charges all over this area, forcing you to quickly find a bunch of Little Sisters so Eleanor can turn them into lava for some reason!

DEVELOPER 2K MARIN

Yeah, we're pretty much just making this shit up as we go.

All of this HAPPENS.

SOFIA LAMB

Having been driven into a corner, I'm going to completely abandon my principles and condemn all my followers to a painful death. Just like -- Andrew Ryan.

ELEANOR LAMB

And I'm going to stop you. I'm your descendant, born in Rapture for the purposes of a scientific experiment but ultimately turning against my creator. Just like -- Jack Ryan.

SUBJECT DELTA

So you've finally figured out that you guys are just rehashes of the previous game's principal characters. Just like Grace Holloway is Dr. Steinman, Stanley Poole is Peach Wilkins, Gil Alexander is Sander Cohen and Augustus Sinclair is both Atlas and Fontaine, combining their respective polar alignments into a morally ambiguous character.

ELEANOR LAMB

Fine, smarty pants, then who are you?

SUBJECT DELTA

I'm basically a third-person viewpoint on you, completely devoid of any personality of my own, grunt.

SOFIA LAMB

Time for a final battle! Instead of a specific boss character, have fun fighting an assortment of every type of enemy encountered in the game thus far.

DELTA covers a BRUTE SPLICER in BOILING SNOT and SUMMONS ELEANOR. Then he drinks a nice CUP OF COFFEE THROUGH HIS HELMET while the battle FIGHTS ITSELF.

SOFIA LAMB

Well, that didn't work. Have some explosives then.

Despite being BLOWN UP, DELTA still manages to cling to the LIFEBOAT as it rises to the SURFACE.

ELEANOR LAMB

Now, even though all my audio logs implied a strong-willed personality and constant rejection of authority, I'm actually horribly impressionable. I will therefore do exactly as you did.

SUBJECT DELTA

So my choices throughout the game are ultimately reflected by you?

ELEANOR LAMB

Yeah, but I'm only following your example to rebel against my mothahhh, regardless of what that example is and thereby again cheapening it. Basically, I'm Maeby Bluth.

ELEANOR LAMB saves her MOTHER from DROWNING. A group of LITTLE SISTERS looks on with GUMDROP SMILES.

SUBJECT DELTA

This is the happy ending? I'm dead either way and it's like Village Of The Damned up here.

DEVELOPER 2K MARIN

Hey look everybody! It's the lighthouse where the previous game started! We've come full circle!

SUBJECT DELTA

So basically I just played BioShock 2 as an entire detour to get to BioShock Infinite.

DEVELOPER 2K MARIN

Oh snap!

THE END